Top 10 Puns (Part 1)

2. Top 10 Puns (Part 1) • A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.“ • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam"! • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. • Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive.“ • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

3. Top 10 Puns (Part 2) • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.“

4. Top 10 Puns (Part 3) • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. A rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So he hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … A supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. • And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!

5. Celebrity Wisdom • "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. • "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. • "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. • "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

6. Heard in the Court Room Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

8. Quotes from Church bulletins I • Bertha Belch, a missionary from  Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha  Belch all the way from Africa. • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. • Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

9. Quotes from Church bulletins II • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. • She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days. • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice. • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

10. Quotes from Church bulletins III • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children. • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

11. Quotes from Church bulletins IV • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!”

12. GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES  AGAIN(the cleaned up version) • Ever wonder about those people who  spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian  backwards. • If 4 out of 5 people  SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? • Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? • If a pig loses its voice, is  it disgruntled? • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

13. From the Horrible Pun department: • At Heathrow Airport London today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. • Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious "Al-Gebra" movement. • He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

14. Southerners • Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. • Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." • Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." • Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in:  "Goin’ to town, be back directly." • Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

15. More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?“ Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

17. Why did the Chicken Cross the Road? GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people. COLIN POWELL Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. HANZ BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

18. Why did the Chicken Cross the Road II? MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information.

19. Why did the Chicken Cross the Road III? DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

20. Why did the Chicken Cross the Road IV? CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of the Chicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?

21. More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

22. Colin Powell Quote When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return." It became very quiet in the room.

23. Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious! Haiku Poetry Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

24. New Concept of Capitalism

25. More about Southerners • All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. • Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. • Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.. • No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. • A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

26. About Audiences • The play was a success, but the audience was a failure – William Collier • If all the world is a stage, and men and women merely players, where is the audience to come from? • The best audience a lecturer can have is one that is polite enough to cover their mouths when they yawn. • The man who is head and shoulders above the rest is sure to be sitting in front of you in the theater. • The important thing is not that money talks, but that it has the largest listening audience. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

27. More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

28. Automation • If automation keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. • Man first makes the machine necessary, and then the machine makes man unnecessary. • Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation. • Automation is a process of producing cheaply and quickly more of the things we already have too much of. • Automation seems to be replacing men and women of all kinds, but it will never replace the taxpayer. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

29. Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious! More Haiku Poetry Three things are certain:Death, taxes, and lost data.Guess which has occurred. I'm sorry, there's -- um --insufficient -- what's-it-called?The term eludes me ... Seeing my great faultThrough darkening blue windowsI begin again Printer not ready.Could be a fatal error.Have a pen handy?

30. Salon magazine (http://www/salon.com) ran a competition to replace the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. Each only 17 syllables. Ingenious! Yet More Haiku Poetry The code was willing,It considered your request,But the chips were weak. Errors have occurred.We won't tell you where or why.Lazy programmers. Login incorrect.Only perfect spellers mayenter this system. This site has been moved.We'd tell you where, but then we'dhave to delete you.

31. This and That • Life is a journey where you are always getting out of one difficulty and finding yourself in another. • Some men make difficulties, and difficulties make some men. • Don’t waste time collecting other peoples’ autographs; rather, devote it to making your own autograph worth collecting. • If there’s a job to be done, select a busy man; the other kind has no time. • There is no one less candid than a candidate. • Some cannibals take missionaries seriously; others take them with a grain of salt. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

32. Capital Punishment • If you advocate the abolition of capital punishment, remember that you have all the murderers on your side. • The man who doesn’t believe in capital punishment has probably never tried it. • Mankind can be divided in many ways; the guillotine divides it in two: heads and bodies. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

33. More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

34. Courage • The bitter part of discretion is valor. • Courage is almost a contradiction in terms: it means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. • Courage is looking a salesperson in the eye and saying you’d like to see something cheaper. • Sometimes it takes less courage to die for a woman than to live with her. • Everyone is in awe of a lion tamer in a cage with a half dozen lions – everyone but a school bus driver. • A man has to have a lot of courage to admit that he hasn’t any. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

35. More Celebrity Wisdom • "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP • "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery • "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.“ -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina • "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

36. Past, Present and Future • The trouble with our times is that the future isn’t what it used to be. • There is no time like the present – except the last two thousand years and the next ten. • The present is the period when the future pauses for a short time before it becomes the past. • Experience is what we possess in the present to keep us from repeating the past in the future. • The present generation is lucky: everything that is wrong is due to the previous generation and will have to be paid for by the next generation. • You cannot change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future. From “20,000 Quips and Quotes” by Evan Esar

37. On Happiness I was happy as a child with my toys in my nursery. I have been happier every year since I became a man. But this interlude of school makes a sombre grey patch upon the chart of my journey. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

38. GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN(the cleaned up version) • Why is the man who  invests all your money called a broker? • Why do croutons come in airtight  packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? • Why isn't the  number 11 pronounced onety one? • "I am" is reportedly the shortest  sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the  longest sentence? • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,  doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys  deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

39. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn • The bandage was wound around the wound. • The farm was used to produce produce. (You may get an error here on your grammar check, it's even confused) • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.  • We must polish the Polish furniture.  • He could lead if he would get the lead out. • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.  • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

40. On Creative Exam Grading I wrote my name at the top of the page. I wrote down the number of the question ‘1.’ After much reflection, I put a bracket around it thus ‘(1).’ But thereafter I could not think of anything connected with it that was either relevant or true... It was from these slender indications that [the Headmaster of Harrow] drew the conclusion that I was worthy to pass into Harrow. It was very much to his credit. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

41. More Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. (another grammar check)  • I did not object to the object.  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.  • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.  • They were too close to the door to close it.  • The buck does funny things when the does are present.  • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.  • The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 

42. More about Southerners • Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines" and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! • Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. • Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll." • Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. • Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. • When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

43. On Attitude It [school] was an unending spell of worries that did not seem petty, and of toil uncheered by fruition; a time of discomfort, restriction and purposeless monotony. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

44. The ultimate in stealth technology

45. On Paternal Respect For years I thought my father with his experience and flair had discerned in me the qualities of military genius. But I was later told that he had only come to the conclusion that I was not clever enough to go to the Bar [be a lawyer]. Sir Winston Churchill: “My Early Life”

46. George Carlin at his finest? 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

47. More Gems Heard in the Court Room Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts”

48. On US Support Twice the United States has had to send several million of its young men across the Atlantic to find the war; but now war can find any nation, wherever it may dwell, between dusk an dawn. Sir Winston Churchill: “Fulton, MI 5 March 1946

49. The Joys of Air Travel • Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the aerodynamics." • After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.” • From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.” • After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

50. OK, back to George Carlin • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? • Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? • What was the best thing before sliced bread?