Men and Women in Conversation

1. Men and Women in Conversation • Conversation rituals • Neither “right” or “wrong” • Must be understood by both • When not, both feel not getting sufficient credit, not listened to, not getting ahead

2. Men and Women from Different Cultures Lessons of childhood: Boys • Compete • Relate through competition/conflict • Posture aggressiveness • Winning is all • Take a loss, learn, drop • Spend lives in a hierarchy— “do what the coach says” • Leadership—push enough, but not too hard • Play with people you don’t like • Take risks • Mask emotions • Focus on goal line • Differential power

3. Play one-on-one Develop one-on-one relationships Play with best friend(s), people you like Avoid conflict, don’t compete Preserve the relationship Process focus Negotiate differences Fair for all, not winning Less accustomed to losing Expect equality Leading is bossy Don’t take risks Crying, emotion is OK Lessons from Childhood: Girls

4. Main M-F Cultural Differences • Hierarchy vs. flat structure • Goal focus vs. process focus • Linear vs. multi-tasking focus • Giving the answer vs. talk it over • Chopsticks vs. silverware

5. Oppositional strategies Banter, joking, teasing, put-downs, avoid one-down position Seen as hostile and arrogant, when they are not Asking for help = one-down Must be avoided Less likely to ask questions Will look it up themselves Differing Conversation Strategies - MEN

6. Differing Conversation Strategies - WOMEN • Equality strategies • Appearance of equality, effect of exchange on others, downplay authority, avoid boasting • Balance their interests and those of others • Seen as less competent and confident • Asking for help = connecting with others • Good way to associate, seem interested • Ask questions • Seem less knowledgeable

7. Men “Strong” Do sound certain, aggressive, or self-confident whether or not you feel it Boast Jockey for center stage Challenge, give orders Opinions in strong terms Impress others Women “Caring” Don’t sound certain, aggressive, or self-confident even if feel it. Don’t boast, be modest Avoid the limelight Offer suggestions, not orders Do play down own knowledge, skill, abilities, Hesitate M-F Conversation Styles

8. Taking half the blame “I’m sorry”…“I’m sorry” Taking partial credit “Thanks”…“thanks” Don’t leave others in a one-down position Self-depreciate Promote others Questions, not statements “I’m not sure, but…” Tag lines (“…isn’t it?”) Complaining as solidarity Giving sugar-coated criticism Praise early and often Conversation smoothing, expression of understanding Personal chat is vital Disagreement is personal Decisions by consensus Women’s Conversation Rituals

9. Stereotyping • A distortion of the perceptual process where one individual assigns attributes to another solely on the basis of the other’s membership in a particular social or demographic group. • Recognizing differences is NOT necessarily stereotyping. • E.g., “Men are taller than women.” • Means “Comparing the average height of men to the average height of women, the average height of men is greater than the average height of women.” This is a true difference, it is not a stereotype. • Does NOT mean, “John is a man, therefore he is taller than most women, and also he’s better for the job.” This is stereotyping.

10. Types of Stereotyping • Individual variance around a mean • Though men are taller than women, there are many men who are shorter than many women and many women who are taller than many men. • Inaccurate measure of mean • The average height of men is 5’8” and women 5’4.” But is that data correct, old, skewed by ethnicity? • Bundle • If men are taller, does that mean they are therefore also more aggressive? • Evaluation of stereotyped characteristics • Is it better to be tall or short?