"Recognizing and working with high conflict behaviors in mediation"

1. "Recognizing and working with high conflict behaviors in mediation" PRESENTED BY DEBRA DUPREE, MA, LMFT FOR THE ASSOCIATION FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION WORKPLACE SECTION

2. Working with Emotional Intensity

3. What are some key features of high conflict behavior When and how to interrupt while setting boundaries around emotional venting How to listen through the moment of emotional intensity Understanding their Fear-based logic while not getting hooked: using reality testing and indirect confrontations Creating action plans to establish structure, emphasize their strengths and manage their emotions Learn and use a four-step process for analyzing situations that employees can take back to the workplace What we will learn today… Using CPR Credibility, Professionalism & Respect

4. Four Clusters of Personality Disorders DSM IV • Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior • Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events • Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior • Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain

5. Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities Borderline Narcissistic • Fear of abandonment • Idealistic • Devaluation of others • Impulsive behavior • Suicidal behavior or threats • Chronic emptiness • Sudden, intense, extreme anger or change in mood • Paranoia • Lack of empathy • Inflated sense of self-importance • Demands special treatment • Demands admiration • Sense of entitlement • Exploits relationship • Envious • Arrogant OC Mediation Conference 2012

6. Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities Histrionic Anti-social • Demanding of attention • Inappropriately seductive or provocative • Physical appearance draws attention • Shifting & shallow emotions • Dramatic, theatrical & exaggerated • Suggestible • Believes relationships are deeper than they are • Repeated violation of social norms/laws • Lying and conning • Impulsive and fails to plan ahead • Irritable & aggressive • Reckless & Irresponsible • Lack of remorse • Onset of conduct disorder by Age 15 OC Mediation Conference 2012

7. Lack of self- awareness Lack of adaptation HCP CORE FEATURES • Why they are the way they are • How they contribute to their own problems • Or, how to change • Aaron Beck (1990) • Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders • Behavior becomes rigidly patterned • Social impairment evolves • Rigid behavior evokes responses from others that “validate” their inflexible beliefs • Efrain Bleiberg (2001) • Treating Personality Disorders in Children & Adolescents OC Mediation Conference 2012

8. PRIMARY FEARS DRIVING BEHAVIOR • Fear of being wrong / being ignored • Fear of losing / being inferior • Fear of not being liked / being abandoned • Fear of emotional discomfort / being dominated OC Mediation Conference 2012

9. High Conflict Behaviors • Rigid & Uncompromising • Difficulty accepting loss • Difficulty healing from loss • Emotions dominate thinking • Inability to reflect on own behavior • Difficulty empathizing with others • Preoccupied with blaming others • Avoids responsibilityfor the problem or the solution • Depends on others to solve problems OC Mediation Conference 2012

10. Understand the Three-step Cycle of High Conflict Thinking • Mistaken Assessment of Danger (M.A.D.) • Internal distress that’s perceived as external danger • E.g. being abandoned, treated inferior, ignored, dominated • Behavior becomes Aggressively Defensive (B.A.D.) • HCP “attacks” the perceived source of danger • Negative Feedback • HCPs perceive ANY feedback as negative • HCP then escalates Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

11. Four Key Issues in Managing HCPs • Bonding – this is a big issue for HCPs. Pay attention to your relationship – they seek a dependent relationship and agreement with their thinking through a secure relationship and intense emotions. • Structure – acknowledge emotion and then focus on tasks . Emotional distresses dominate the HCP, making it hard to think clearly, but they can switch out of these feelings with help. Make lists, gather information, get external help, assign 2-3 things to get done before next meeting. • Reality Testing - remain skeptical of the accuracy of their information given their cognitive distortions. Let the HCP know that you may never know the full story but that decisions can be made with what is known! • Consequences - HCPs tend not to connect realistic CONSEQUENCES to their own ACTIONS…explore various outcomes, what if no agreement, build consequences into agreement, prepare for breach, address fear of loss. OC Mediation Conference 2012

12. Common Snags in Communication What’s your snag? Skillpath Seminars

13. Structuring your Listening ACTIVE LISTENING Ways to structure your listening skills to listen through the moment of emotional intensity! Listen for the sounds of the BEACH Beliefs Expectations Assumptions Concerns Hopes

14. A Five-Step Process to Setting Boundaries around Emotional Venting REMEMBER…Listen for the sounds of the BEACH!

15. Paying attention to a Person’s Feelings helps de-escalate the venting . E.A.R Method Empathy Attention Respect Wm. Eddy “It’s All Your Fault”

16. Active Listening… Show them you understand

17. What can WE do to settle the Nervous System Down • De-escalate • Tone of Voice • Plan ahead • Empathize, don’t argue • Acknowledge fears • Demonstrate respect • Adult Time-outs

18. Analyze the Conflict…Establish Structure What is it about?

19. Determine the Source of Conflict • Internal • Interpersonal • Organizational

20. What are some likely Causes of Conflict • Interdependence • Differences in style/personality • Differences in background • Differences in leadership

21. Managing the Situation • Break things down according to… • What do we FACTUALLY know? • What EMOTIONS do we have about the situation…how do we feel…how are we impacted? • What do we VALUE in this situation, i.e. what is important to us…the other person…the organization?

22. Listening using your E.A.R. Demonstrate Empathy Pay Attention DisplayRespect Recognize that it’s easy to become frustratedwith their emotional sensitivity & cognitive distortions Recognize that it’s easy to get “emotionally hooked” & want to withhold positive responses Recognize that it’s easy to want revengeand attack or criticize in return Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

23. C.A.R.SA 4-Step Process 1) CONNECT WITH YOUR E.A.R. 2) ANALYZE REALISTIC OPTIONS 3) RESPOND QUICKLY TO MISINFORMATION (IN A NON-THREATENING OR NON- ATTACK MANNER) 4) SET LIMITS ON MISBEHAVIOR Bill Eddy, Esq. LCSW

24. Ten TIPS for Managing Emotional Intensity • Lower expectations for change • Listen to highly insistent emotions (w/o getting hooked) • Understand their logic is fear-based • Focus on tasks – create action plans…next steps • Emphasize their strengths • Reality Test • Use indirect confrontations • Educate about consequences • Include a positive advocate • Make recommendations Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

25. What to do if you are “HOOKED” • Take a deep breath…or a few • Take an adult time-out • Acknowledge their concerns…arrange to meet at another time to resume discussion • Go to the balcony…get some perspective • Reach back out…focus on behavior, not the person • Use “I” language…not “You” language • Remember…the “issue” is not the “issue”…the “issue” is the behavior being demonstrated

26. "Recognizing and working with the high conflict personality in mediation" CONCLUSION USE IT OR LOSE IT! WHAT’S ONE THING YOU LEARNED TODAY THAT YOU WILL LEAVE THIS CLASSROOM & TAKE ACTION ON?

27. It’s not YOU…it’s ME!Taking responsibility for effective communication & conflict management at work & at home PRESENTED BY DEBRA DUPREE, MA, MFT 1-800-743-1973 WWW.RELATIONSHIPSTHATMATTER.COM “I GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE!” PROVIDING SOLUTIONS THROUGHCOACHING, GROUP FACILITATION, MEDIATION & TRAINING THANK YOU!

28. Resources Eddy, William, http://www.highconflictinstitute.com Grant, B., et al, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 7/2004, 4/2008, 7/2008. Kvols, K.J. Redirecting Children’s Behavior McIntosh, J., et al, Family Court Review 1/2008. National Institute of Health (NIH), 2002 and 2008. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism (NIAAA). Skillpath Seminars OC Mediation Conference 2012