Telling ! ?

1. Telling ! ? Sandra Stewart With ideas borrowed from Mara Keisling

2. Who Are You ?? • Why this study • How was it done • What have I learned

3. Should You ? • Why now? • Or even should you? • What are your motives? • Is it necessary? • How might they react?

4. Coming Out Coming out is a process not a single event. We have been coming out all of our lives and we need to remember that when we wish to share with others that which is such a large part of us part of us.

5. It’s Not About You • I know you find that's hard to believe • You must address their concerns, not yours Coming out is a process, you have had years learning to deal with it, or not

6. Why isn’t it about me? • They are more likely to understand/accept if it is about them. • If they accept better, you win! • You have as I said had years, they have not. • Remember this is not the most important thing in their life

7. Communicate • Work on their level • People hear differently • Are you aware that what you are hearing is not exactly what I am saying?

8. Success Factors • Who you are • Who the other person is • The relationship you share • How you tell!

9. Timing • Chose the time carefully, if other things are intruding into the relationship it may be wiser to wait. • Chose the location sensibly, in a car with them driving is probably NOT a good place

10. Where • A neutral location, • Park • Their home • It needs to be a safe place for them • And you if they own guns!

11. Ally • Consider enlisting an ally, for example a therapist or knowledgeable friend or sibling.

12. The Message • Frame the message positively! Not I have a problem • More I have something I wish to share with you. • A relationship based on truth

13. FIRST • The First impression IS THE most important • Advertising • And political adds • What you say first

14. Answers • Have the answers! • Do your homework! • Do your homework! • Do your homework!

15. Reaction • The news may be up setting and the reaction negative. • It is a process. Just as it has been for you a life time process so it will for them respect that. • How they react now, will most likely not be how they react later

16. Testing testing 123 • Testing the waters, it is possible in conversation to obliquely bring up a subject. There are various other ways including what I call the Tootsie approach (using movies and television programs). There is also the Halloween approach, a fairly safe time to express “variance”. After all it is our national holiday.

17. Example • I used to tell my kids "picture stories", which were like crude comic strips. We'd do this as the bed time story. To tell them, I did a picture story along these lines: "There was once a little boy who felt like a little girl, but didn't feel he could tell anyone because he was scared of what everyone would think. He grew up and had a partner and kids and they eventually separated. After they separated, the little boy, who was now a man, still felt like a little girl inside. He decided that he really need to be that little girl, so that he could grow up and become a woman. The little boy was me, when I was a lot younger, and so now I am going to start being a woman." This was accompanied by pictures of a little boy, over-drawn with a dress, then a picture of a family with a Mum, a Dad and two children, and then finally a man, with an over-drawn dress on. After that I made sure they knew that I loved them very much and I would continue to see them as often as I did at the time.

18. Gender Identity

19. Gender Identity

20. So Initial Reaction

21. SO Current Attitude

22. How did they find out

23. Example • The two from my first marriage learned as teenagers, my wife's children learned when we told them after we had been married a few years. • When we told my children we learned they had found my clothes and suspected something was going on.

24. Example 2 • describe He found my cigarette butt's with lipstick stains and thought that I was seeing another woman, his mother told him it wasn't another woman that what he found was my cigarett butts and the lipstick was what I was wearing when I smoked.. Eventually telling him that I crossdressed

25. Example 3 • They are all four grown with lives of their own--the universal response when we told them of my crossdressing was "Does Mom know? Is she okay with it?" When she told them she knew and was supportive that was okay with them. • We have two sons--#3 and #4--who are gay and my "coming out" to them helped their personal lives by realizing that they, too, are accepted by us.

26. Childs Initial Reaction

27. Childs Current Reaction

28. Security Breach

29. Problems as a result of some one child told

30. School Problems

31. Example • Problem at school? Not yet. My son (and their mother) has been a bit worried about my daughter talking about it at school. My son is very quiet and is worried about getting teased, whilst my daughter is very outgoing. She would say "My Dad is now a girl. I don't care what you think". So far it hasn't happened yet.

32. This is Interesting • One of the questions asked was, “is there any one else in your family that is T*”. Possibilities 1 genetic family trait 2 this is indicative of the general population

33. Other transgendered people in your family

34. Example • My grandson (age 8) is showing some transgendered tendencies. My daughter and her husband are taking it as a simple fact of life and not making a big deal of it.

35. Childs Initial Reaction, Spouse or SO's current attitude

36. Child Age Told * Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation

37. Age Told v Current Reaction

38. Child Age Told vs. Acceptance

39. Telling and Supporting Wives and SO’s • Has any one not told ? • This may have the most value in being able to help friends • Principles discussed earlier apply • Which means this section will be shorter However

40. Significant Goodies • Your SO’s support is VITAL to the children's happiness and level of acceptance! • Except • Her level of acceptance is dependant on a number of factors

41. Factors in Acceptance • When they found out • Who she/he is! • What you have done. • How she found out. And now

42. The Well • My two oldest girls have heard more negative talk about me from my ex so when they see me they have their Mothers biases to deal with. The younger two live with me and are just wonderful about it all.

43. Extreme reaction • My wife told them while I was out-against my wishes • Are u kidding me? I walked in and found both kids hysterical, lying on the family room carpet...banging their heads on the floor, crying-sobbing and screaming Why? WHY? Why? Since then they hardly talk to me and I hardly see them

44. A dream come true? • description_of_attitude_of_partner: she loves having power over me.whenever i'm with her she makes dress as a girl or else. • description_of_attitude_of_children: her mother is teaching her how to humilate me.susan invites her friends over while i am dressed as a woman.

45. Prepared?

46. Example • The web was an amazing resource, as well as my many TS friends that I had during my transition. I can't think of any one author or site that was good. There is a desperate need for more information on how to break the news to the children. It was one of the hardest things I had to face.

47. Support Group Value!

48. Initial Reaction

49. Support! • The best support for wives is other wives • It can be as little as an e-mail group • Better yet in person • They do have to be open to support!

50. Church activity