BA 6 Revision

1. BA 6 Revision Style and Sentence Structure

2. Participation Assignment • A Week Earlier? • Vote for 1,000 or 1,300 word draft on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. • Participation Assignment Ammendment

3. BA 6: Sentence Level Revision • Objective: To practice revising the structure and language of your literature review • Purpose: After you have written several drafts of an essay, one of the final steps of revision prior to a last proofreading is to look closely at the sentence structure and language you have used to argue on behalf of your claim. This assignment enables you to practice these revisions on a single paragraph before working through the rest of your argument in the same way.

4. BA 6: Sentence Level Revision • Description: To complete this assignment, use the guidelines in Chapter 10 of First-Year Writing and Chapters 40-43 of The St. Martin's Handbook to revise one substantial body paragraph (i.e. between 6 – 8 sentences in length) from your 1.1 draft. • Consider matters of organization, language, word choice, and grammar and mechanics as you revise. You will need to make significant revisions to your original paragraph. Include both the original and the revised paragraphs. • You will also need to include 1) a statement of your thesis, so that your instructor knows the context in which these paragraphs were written, and 2) a paragraph evaluating the revisions you have made and their impact on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your draft as a whole.

5. Format: • 1-2 sentences about the topic • Paragraph evaluating the revisions you have made and their impact on the audience, purpose, and meaning of your draft as a whole (this paragraph should be labeled “Comments” and should precede the original and revised section). Additionally, as in BA 5, this paragraph should discuss changes specifically, not generally. • Original paragraph of 6-8 sentences (labeled) • Revised paragraph of 6-8 sentences (labeled)

6. What’s in a sentence? • Why do sentence structure, word choice, and grammar matter?

7. The Elegance of the Hedgehog • “The point is to make us speak and write well.” Grossly inept. • “Grammar is and end in itself and not merely a means: it provides access to the structure and the beauty of language.” • Pity the poor in spirit who know neither the beauty or the enchantment of language. Muriel Barbery

8. Review Cohesion and Concision • Chapter 10 - Make main characters subjects -Make important actions verbs Our lack of data prevented evaluation of UN actions in targeting funds to areas most in need of assistance. Because we lacked data, we could not evaluate whether the UN had targeted funds to areas that most needed help.

9. The problem was the topic of our discussion. We discussed the problem. See five common patterns of nominalization on page 239.

10. Chapters 40-43 • Chapter 40: Concise writing • Chapter 41: Coordination and Subordination • Chapter 42: Sentence Variety • Chapter 43: Memorable Prose

11. Coordination and Subordination • In speech, people tend to use andandso as all-purpose connectors. • He enjoys psychology, and the course requires a lot of work. • The meaning of this sentence may be perfectly clear in speech, which provides clues through voice, facial expressions, and gestures. But in writing, the sentence could have more than one meaning. • Although he enjoys psychology, the course requires a lot of work. • He enjoys psychology even though the course requires a lot of work. • Coordinating conjunctions like and give ideas equal weight, whereas subordinating conjunctions like although emphasize one idea over another.

12. Editing for coordination and subordination • How do your ideas flow from one sentence to another? Do they connect smoothly and clearly? Are the more important ideas given more emphasis than the less important ones? These guidelines will help you edit with such questions in mind. • Look for strings of short sentences that might be combined to join related ideas. (41a) • If you often link ideas with the conjunctions and, but, or so, are the linked ideas equally important? If not, edit to subordinate the less important ones. (41b) • Are the most important ideas in independent clauses? If not, edit so that they are. (41b) • Be careful not to include excessive subordination or coordination.

13. Sentence Variety • A variety of sentence structures and lengths creates good writing. • Create variety by varying sentence length • Create variety by varying sentence structure Look at sentence openings. If most sentences start with a subject, try recasting some to begin with a transition, a phrase, or a dependent clause. (If you move a dependent clause from the end of the sentence to the beginning, it will need to be followed by a comma.)

14. Common Grammatical Errors • Missing comma after an Introductory Element • Due to the fact there is an abundant amount of outside information it seems cluttered with the citations overcrowding each paragraph making it difficult to follow the words smoothly. • According to the fifth chapter in her book titled “Realms of the Soil,” Carson explains how it has taken years to see the problem brought by these chemicals, some of these were thought not to be harmful and have now been banned. • Through this highly technical technique he has sold his argument that a change is in order to help the people who cannot read. • When discussing each experimental test on their subjects both authors use qualitative examples by providing parameters and numerical examples such as percentages and graphs.

15. Missing Comma after an Introductory Phrase • Introductory word or phrase However, she did eventually return to the topic. • Introductory infinitive phrase (“ing”) Hoping for the best, I began to assemble the pieces. • Introductory dependent clause While you may have a valid point, you are failing to consider the issue of collective imagination. • Introductory preposition phrase. For a number of good reasons, I would rather not go to the party.

16. Vague Pronouns • A pronoun—a word such as she, yourself, her, it, this, who, or which—should refer clearly to the word or words it replaces (called the antecedent) elsewhere in the sentence or in a previous sentence. If more than one word could be the antecedent, or if no specific antecedent is present in the sentence, edit to make the meaning clear. • Do not use a vague pronoun at the beginning of the sentence if using a phrase would make the meaning more clear. • Some of these examples include being unable to understand the written details on health insurance forms, the inability to manage check accounts, and the incapability to read eviction notices. This says something critical about literacy in America.

17. BA 6: Due Saturday Night • C1—Focus: Does the student thoroughly examine the quality and specificity of the body paragraph? Does the student use this examination to guide his or her revisions to the body paragraph? • C3—Sources and Evidence: Does the student’s revised paragraph show noticeable improvement? Does the student support his or her critique by directly referring to specific parts of his or her body paragraph? This criterion is particularly important because students tend to use vague and generic language that could apply to any draft. • C5—Own Perspective: Does the student show authority in relaying his or her perspective about what should be revised in the body paragraph and in justifying the effectiveness of the revisions that he or she has made? • C6—Conclusion: Does the student provide an accurate evaluative statement about the overall effectiveness of the revisions? Does the student discuss the significance of the revisions her or she has made?  • C7—Communication: How effectively is the revised version of the body paragraph delivered? Does the student communicate his or her critique of the revisions effectively? Has the student organized his or her critique effectively? Are both the revised introduction and the critique relatively free of grammatical errors?

18. Questions on Participation Homework? • Review the 1.2 Help Material • Review 1.2 Directions • Next week: Bring your current rough draft to class. You need to have begun revising the essay with the graders’ comments. Next week class will be held as a writing workshop, so if you would like feedback from your peers on whether or not you changed the essay, you will have to have the revisions prepared.