Coping with Emotions

1. Humber Recovery College Humber Recovery College Humber Recovery College Coping with Emotions Session 8: Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

2. Last time we: • Used the ‘emotion exposure’ mindfulness exercise • Looked at how to use opposite action • Practiced the behaviour analysis and the ABC problem solving approach • Revisited ideas around how we can reduce our vulnerability to intense emotions Quick Review of Last Session

3. By the end of this session you will have: • Thought about how to communicate more effectively • Considered the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive behaviours • Started to challenge some of your ‘shoulds’ • Learnt what aggressive blocks are and how to guard against them Aims of Today’s Session

4. The next two weeks are all about how you handle relationships and communication with those around you • In DBT these are a combination of social skills training, assertiveness training, listening skills and negotiation skills • It is hoped these skills will also help to build your confidence in handling a range of social situations where you may currently feel unsure of yourself Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

5. Why are relationships important? What we get out of them? • What happens if communication breaks down in a relationship and becomes non-existent or aggressive? • What are the consequences of this happening, both for the relationship and for you? • What skills do we need to develop in order to improve our relationships? Group Discussion

6. Relationships require attention • It is necessary to notice the other person’s feelings and reactions and watch the process between you • Use your mindfulness skills to observe facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and choice of words during a conversation to get a fix on the mood and state of the relationship • This requires you to stay in the here and now and pay attention – be present to what you see, hear and sense • Not being mindfully attentive means you miss vital cues about the other person’s needs and reactions • This can lead to reactions that seem out of place to others, such as blowing up at someone Mindful Attention

7. Thinking about the communication between Raymond and his wife, in your groups discuss the following questions and use the worksheet to jot down the answers: • How is each person communicating? • How is the relationship doing? Is it OK? • What do you notice about the way each person might be feeling? • Do you think either person could have better communicated how they were feeling? Mindful Attention

8. Passivity, going along with what others expect, is the road to interpersonal disaster! • When you give in to others and abandon your own needs, it gives rise to resentment and frustration • Eventually, it becomes so difficult that you either blow up, collapse into depression, or run away • The paradox is, in the beginning being passive seems to protect the relationship • In the long-term, the relationship takes a shape you can’t stand and you have to destroy it Passive Behaviour What happens when we are passive in relationships?

9. Aggression pushes people away • At times, you may explode, and drive others away Aggression comes from two sources: • A strong sense of the way things should be – you think someone ought to behave in a certain way, one way is right and another way is wrong in your eyes • When someone violates your sense of what is right, you may feel a strong need to punish them OR • A need to control interpersonal events - You feel things need to go a certain way, with specific outcomes • When another person violates your sense of what’s right or fails to do what you expect, you start to feel angry, you apply pressure to control what happens Aggressive Behaviour What happens when we are Aggressive in relationships?

10. Both passivity and aggression destroy relationships • Either one of these patterns can end up being very painful for you • Learning to be assertive is the middle way • Allowing you to seek what you need in a relationship, set limits and negotiate conflicts, without anger or coercive efforts to control Being Assertive

11. Using the worksheet provided, identify which statements you agree with about yourself in your five most significant relationships Identify Your Style

12. Relationships consist of two people trying to get what they need • When people want the same thing (calm, quiet, recreation), it is easy • When people want different things, or the same things but at different times, it becomes hard • To succeed in relationships, you must do the following: • Know and say what you desire • Notice or find out what the other person desires • Negotiate and compromise so you can get at least some of what you want • Give what you can of what the other person wants • If the I want-they want ratio isn’t balanced, your relationship becomes unstable ‘I Want-They Want’ Ratio

13. Every relationship requires a balance between seeking what you want and doing what you think you should do, for the good of yourself, the other person and your relationship • If you expect too much of the other person, and more focus is on meeting your needs, you’ll earn resentment • If you’re overbalanced on the side of “shoulds”, then the relationship will feel like a burden and you’ll dream of escape • Shoulds can be force a person to ignore their own needs • You can get so busy trying to be good and giving, you feel to notice how depressed and desperate you’ve become. Sooner or later, you have to escape or blow up the relationship ‘I Want-They Want’ Ratio

14. Now put a tick on the sheet next to all of the ‘should’ statements that match your beliefs or feelings • The more items you checked, the stronger your beliefs about the right and wrong way to relate to others, and the more likely you are to deny your own needs in a relationship • There is nothing wrong with having values about how to treat others, but it is important not to allow those values to overpower your ability to ask for what you want in a relationship Shoulds

16. Practicing new interpersonal skills will help you achieve the following results: • Help you be more effective in your dealings with people • Improve your ability to get your needs met • Help you negotiate conflicts without damaging a relationship • Strengthen your self-respect by giving you alternatives to old, damaging patterns of anger or withdrawal Key Interpersonal Skills

17. The six core interpersonal skills are: • Knowing what you want • Asking for what you want • Negotiating conflicting wants • Getting information • Saying no – in a way that protects the relationship • Acting according to your values In next week’s session, we will be looking specifically at each of these. For now, let’s just think about what might be blocking your interpersonal skills at times… Key Interpersonal Skills

18. Group Discussion: • What interpersonal behaviours do we have that diminish self-respect? (These might include anything that emotionally damages you or another person) • Think of examples of times when you should have done something for the good of a relationship, but didn’t • Independently: List your values regarding what you feel are the right ways to treat others Identifying Your Interpersonal Values

19. In your family of origin, you observed how people solved interpersonal problems and began to model your own behaviour on what you saw • If members of your family dealt with conflict using anger, blame, or withdrawal, those are strategies you’ve learned to use as well Old Habits – of the Aggressive Kind

20. Techniques that influence others utilising fear, shame or hurtful psychological pressure are called aversive strategies. There are eight of them: • Discounting (Makes the other person feel their feelings or needs are less important) • Withdrawing/abandoning (Do what I want or I’m leaving) • Threatening (Do what I want or I’ll hurt you) • Blaming (The reason we are in debt is because you have a problem with shopping) • Belittling/denigrating (makes the other person feel foolish or wrong for having a need, opinion or feeling) • Guilt-tripping (If you don’t trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship) • Derailing (eg. I don’t care what you want, I feel…) • Takingaway (Withdrawing support as punishment) Aggressive Blocks Do you recognise any of these in your own behaviour?

21. Maybe you learned how to shut down or surrender when there is a conflict Now think about: • What situations trigger your use of passive or aversive strategies? • Which strategies do you often rely on? • Are you getting what you need when you use them? • What are the most frequent emotional consequences of using them? Passive Blocks

22. Another major block to using interpersonal skills is high emotion. Best intentions can go up in smoke when you’re upset • So how can prevent an overwhelming emotional state from unravelling your hard-earned interpersonal skills? • First, you need to pay attention to ‘red flags’ that indicate you are starting to lose control. What do you think these might be? • Feeling hot or flushed • Heart pounding • Short of breath • Tension in your hands • Talking more rapidly or loudly than usual • Feeling a strong need to win, or to crush someone, or to make them feel bad Overwhelming Emotion

23. Failure to identify your needs • Interpersonal skills are only helpful if you KNOW WHAT YOU WANT in a situation • If you can’t articulate your needs clearly, all you’re left with is frustration • Fear- If you are afraid, it becomes hard to utilise your interpersonal skills, for example ‘What if I’m rejected?’ or ‘What if I lose my job?’ – catastrophic thoughts can lead you to avoid a situation, or to use aggressive or aversive strategies • Wise-mind meditation can help you manage your fears • It is also useful to face your fears head-on… Overwhelming Emotion

24. When people use aversive strategies on you, it can make your interpersonal skills very difficult to use • The best solution is to get away from these types of people • Why? • They’re not going to change • You’ll never stop being vulnerable to their attacks • But what if you can’t get away from them? Eg. If they are your boss or a family member? Toxic Relationships

25. When you can’t let go of the toxic relationship, you will need to: • Use wise mind and mindful breathing to get centred & calm before dealing with them • Plan for how you will deal with the person when they use their strategies on you • This will prevent you falling into old, defective patterns Toxic Relationships

26. Finally, the last major block to using interpersonal skills are our four paralysing myths of relationships: • If I need something, it means there is something wrong or bad about me • Everyone needs things from other human beings, eg love, support, help, kindness. It is a basic human condition. Conversely, you have a right to want things • I won’t be able to stand it if the other person gets mad or says no • Hearing a refusal hurts; it can feel like rejection, especially if it is an angry. Rejection is painful, but you can stand it , you’ve got through rejection before. You have a right to ask, even if the other person won’t give • It’s selfish to say no or ask for things • Everyone’s needs are valid and equally important. It isn’t selfish to ask for things or set limits. It’s normal, healthy and necessary • I have no control over anything • Control is relative. You can’t control the behaviour of others, but you can control YOUR behaviour. Assertive behaviour gets better results. People usually listen and respond positively Myths

27. This week’s homework is to complete the Risk Assessment and Risk Planning sheets to help you face your fears in learning to be more assertive in your relationships Risk Assessment & Risk Planning

28. Course Overview

29. Humber Recovery College Humber Recovery College Humber Recovery College Well Done! You’ve completed Session 8!Next session: Session 9: Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills