Difficult Conversations UC AMP Ellen Goldstein, MA, CO-OP UCSF

1. Maureen Brodie, MA, CO-OP Ellen Goldstein, MA, CO-OP Darlene Weide, MSW, MPH Paula Peters Administrative Assistant Difficult ConversationsUC AMPEllen Goldstein, MA, CO-OPUCSF v.1.6.15

2. What is the UCSF Office of the Ombuds? The Office of the Ombuds is a safe, confidential place for faculty, staff, students, and trainees to bring forward disputes, concerns or inquiries about difficult encounters within the University. The Ombuds will listen and review matters; explore options; make inquiries and referrals; and/or facilitate resolutions in an impartial manner.

3. Training Objectives/ Agenda • Review best practices for communication in conflict • Practice skills to effectively respond to and de-escalate a situation while maintaining a professional manner. 4

4. Communication Skills Goals Create an environment where people: • have the information they need to do their work • feel respected, engaged and motivated, and • can effectively ask questions or offer input to achieve the mission of the group. • Engage when things get challenging.

5. We can see the same thing… differently Reality can be so complex that equally valid observations from differing perspectives can appear to be contradictory. bryanridgley.com

6. Sometimes communication is easy

7. Sometimes it’s a little challenging

8. And sometimes it’s very difficult

9. Conflict happens Stress Different information Different assumptions Different practices/ habits

10. Conflict The condition in which people’s concerns – the things they care about – appear to be incompatible. Kenneth W. Thomas (2002)

11. Communication Best Practices • Emotional skills • Cognitive skills • Behavioral skills

12. Emotional skills • Ability to self-regulate emotions; Self regulate to avoid “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction • Fight = Defend or Attack • Flight or freeze = Avoid • Ability to depersonalize the conflict

13. How do you self-regulate your emotions when faced with a conflict? • What are your Hot Buttons? What causes you stress? • What strategies do you use during an emotional situation? • What strategies do you use to depersonalize a conflict when faced with a person who is upset?

14. Slow down to conduct a “conflict analysis” - Identify the conflict, both presenting and underlying issues • Who is involved and what is the relationship? • Consider what will happen if we fail to resolve this conflict? • Decide which style is most appropriate to use • Prepare: think through possible successful solutions Cognitive skills

15. Fundamental Attribution Error

16. Behavioral Skills • Speaking Skills: Bringing up the issue • Listening Skills: Demonstrating interest and respect • Considerations: How to have the conversation

17. Speaking Skills • Speaking Skills • Avoid the Offense-Defense trap • Pivot: orientation of problem-solving together with a common goal • Be curious, not furious • Using “I” statements; staying on your side of the net • Use cooperative rather than confrontational language

18. Confrontational Language Confrontational Language suggests you are: Trying to limit the choices of the other person Unwilling to consider the other person’s position Not allowing the other person to save face Challenging the other person to back up what s/he says Absolutely certain you are right Blaming the other person Primed to argue 23

19. Confrontational phrases What were you thinking? You must have realized you made a mistake. You knew that you had to submit that form. That’s not my problem (or my job.) It’s standard to do it that way. Others…

20. Cooperative Language Cooperative language suggests that you are: Willing to consider the other person’s position Inviting the other person to discuss rather than fight/disagree Not interested in finding someone to blame Recognizing you could be wrong Trying to work with, not dictate Offering choices Helping the other person save face 25

21. Cooperative phrases I’m curious about… Can you help me understand… Is now a good time to talk? I have a concern I’d like to discuss with you. We seem to see this differently. Can we talk about it? There are a few options for moving forward we can look at together. Others…

22. Practice speaking skills Scenario 1 • Person A comes to meetings prepared, but sees that Person B comes late, often without the materials needed, and looks frequently at his/her cell phone during the meeting. • Begin with Person A addressing Person B using confrontational language. After a few exchanges, begin the scenario again, this time using cooperative language.

23. Practice speaking skills Scenario 2 • Person B has heard that Person A has been telling other people that Person B doesn’t work as hard as other people on the team. • Begin with Person B using confrontational language. Have a few exchanges of the conversation. After a few minutes, start the scenario again, this time with Person B using cooperative language.

24. The value of “How are you?”

25. The cost of gossip… It doesn’t solve the problem.

26. Behavioral Skills • Listening Skills • Active listening: the difference between listening and demonstrating that you’re listening • Listening, whether done by individuals or by companies and government, is a signal of respect. When people don’t feel listened to, they don’t feel respected. And when they don’t feel respected, they feel anger and resentment. This resentment is exacerbated if people think you’re pretending to listen but aren’t. - Hugo Powell

27. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. - Stephen R. Covey.

28. Active Listening Behaviors Demonstrate that you are interested, curious, and focused on what the other person is saying and meaning. • Minimize internal and external distractions. • Validate (head nods, “uh-huh”). • Keep an open mind. • Avoid the impulse to respond, even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you. • Wait until the speaker is finished. • Engage: summarize, paraphrase, encourage, restate, ask clarifying questions.

29. Listening: Deflate the balloon When someone is angry or upset, they’re like a fully inflated balloon, absolutely filled with emotions. There’s no room to take in anything else. In order to deflate the balloon and make room for a conversation, you need to do active listening. Feeling heard helps to deflate an overfilled balloon, even if there’s no agreement. If you focus on your breathing, you help yourself to stay calm.

30. Active Listening Tips If someone is telling you about something important to them, especially if it’s a concern or complaint, your first response should be • a question to clarify what they said or get more information • a statement confirming what you heard It should not be a counter argument, a refutation, or a story about how that happened to you or someone you know.

31. Active Listening Tips Until you’re sure you understand what they’re saying and what they mean, keep the flashlight on the speaker. Do not turn it onto yourself. You’ll have a turn.

32. Listening phrases Um hmmm Oh, I see. It sounds like you’ve been waiting a long time. So this is what I heard. Is that right? What else? What happened next? What else did you try? What I hear you say is… Others…

33. Practice: Listening Divide into pairs. Person A is upset about a decision or action by Person B.Person A is expressing how upset they are. The primary goal of Person B is to focus on active listening. Resist the urge to fix the problem quickly or apologize. You are making sure you have the whole story before coming up with ideas. TIP: Person B should be talking less than Person A. At the signal, change roles and pick another scenario. We’ll debrief as a large group.

34. Time, Place, Manner Consider when, where, how you communicate to be most effective.

35. Summary • Address conflict and be willing to engage. • Stop to think; take a deep breath. • Place yourself in the other’s shoes. Pay attention to the impact of power in the relationship. • Bring your best communication skills when conflict arises, including listening and speaking skills • Attend to Time, Place, and Manner

36. Shared responsibility The unit’s success depends on everyone making the effort to achieve our goals together.

37. Closure: Lightning Round Name one thing YOU can do to improve your success in having difficult conversations.