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Communicating about sex

Communicating about sex. Words, games, and attitudes “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…”. Would you say you “had sex” if:. You held hands You cuddled each other on a sofa You French-kissed your partner You were French-kissed by your partner

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Communicating about sex

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  1. Communicating about sex Words, games, and attitudes “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…”

  2. Would you say you “had sex” if: • You held hands • You cuddled each other on a sofa • You French-kissed your partner • You were French-kissed by your partner • You engaged in oral-genital contact • You engaged in penis-anus intercourse • You engaged in penis-vagina intercourse • (June Reinisch & Stephanie Sanders, 1999)

  3. Purposes of sexual communication • Should we talk about sex? Why do we talk about sex, and why should we talk about sex, in the following situations? • Society • Church • Same-sex friends • Opposite-sex friends • Potential sexual partners • Mates

  4. How connected are sex, love, and intimacy? • Janus & Janus (1993): • 69% of men and 75% of women saw sex and intimacy as separate parts of a relationship. • But do men and women make the distinctions for different reasons? • NHSLS (1994): • Twice as many, to four times as many women as men say they loved their first sexual partner • Women can report exactly how many partners they have had; men are more likely to report approximately.

  5. Why is sexual communication challenging? • Lack of practice • Sub-cultural proscription • Personal discomfort • Ambiguity of all communication • Sender-->Sender’s Interpretative System--> Message-->Receiver’s Interpretative System--> Receiver • Choice and meaning of words • Sex can confuse a relationship

  6. Sex words • Slang terms are popular among men talking with other men and, to a lesser degree, among men talking with women partners • Women seem to prefer appropriate words or no terms at all • Women are often offended by men’s choice of words, especially about sexual intercourse or women’s anatomy • Words can cue unpleasant memories

  7. More sex words • From the late 70s to the late 80s, college students shifted towards preferring no words for sexual anatomy. • The phrase sexual intercourse has almost disappeared from college students’ expressive vocabulary • Women prefer diminutive euphemisms and vague references

  8. What does intimacy mean? • Vulnerability, transparency, trust • Knowing and being known: “And Adam knew his wife, Eve…” • Is it love, or just lust? • Does passion ignore love? • What is the role of modesty in intimacy? • Are love and sex functionally related? • Evaluate this old saying: • “Men give love to get sex; women give sex to get love.”

  9. Cross-gender friendship • A relative absence of scripts • Influence of sexual roles, eg. dominance and submission • Ambiguity of messages • Time spent together, smiles and eye contact, and personal attention may be misunderstood to convey sexual interest • Social structures, such as social networks or work tasks, may provide welcome boundaries

  10. Romantic relationships: The social-exchange model • A-B-C-D-E: Phases or strategies? • Attraction: Sight and sound • Good mood enhances feelings about partners. • So does fear-based arousal. • Married people are most likely to have met spouses through mutual friends or self-introduction. • Three-minute dating exchanges

  11. Building relationships: Similarity and reciprocity • Surface contact and small talk • Lines and scripts • Self-disclosure

  12. Continuing romance • Continuation: Mutuality • Active commitment to continuation • Minimizing negative interactions • Deterioration: Lack of active commitment • Commonly by one partner • Other partner may overcompensate, being understood as possessive, bossy, demanding

  13. Ending: Breaking up is hard to do • Exclusivity, jealousy, and possessiveness vs. self-awareness and self-acceptance • The meaning of rejection • Getting to know someone sometimes means learning you don’t want to go further with the relationship. • Most breakup scripts are miserably weak. • Tact and honesty are valuable. • Clarity is crucial.

  14. Lines and scripts • Salutation: Greet and make eye contact • Express interest in the other: Ask and compliment • Connect indirectly: Comment on shared environment or current events • Connect directly: Mention other person’s behavior or your own; introduce yourself • Seek common ground and look for reciprocity

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