Communicating About Sex

1. Communicating About Sex Talking With Your Partner About Sexual Differences And Problems In The Future: Talking With Your Children About Sex

2. Why Is It Difficult To Talk About Sex? • Starting early in childhood, men’s communications are generally more concerned with self-assertion, dominance, and task completion, whereas women’s communications are warmer, more collaborative, and other-oriented. • During arguments, women are more likely to set the emotional tone.

3. How Can My Partner And I Get Used To Talking About Sex? • When you both become more comfortable talking about sex together, then you can more safely talk about your own sexual relationship.

4. What If I Am Uncomfortable With The Language Of Sex—What Words Should I Use? • Medically correct terms such as penis, vagina, and sexual intercourse may not have any negative connotations but are so unerotic that they, too, may seem inappropriate in conversations between two people in a deeply emotional relationship. • Euphemisms such as “go to bed with,” “sleeping with,” and “making love” may seem more erotic to some and convey that there is a relationship, but they are often inappropriate as well.

5. When (And Where) Should I Try To Talk To My Partner? • Perhaps a neutral time would be best.

6. How Should I Approach My Partner With Concerns About Our Sexual Relationship? • There are few things that easily insult a person’s ego as criticizing his or her sexual expression or interaction. • Your partner must do something that you like while having sex, so give him or her some positive reinforcement.

7. What If I Think That My Partner Is To Blame—Can I Ever Complain? • You must take responsibility for our own pleasure, and you can do this only if you tell your partner of your needs and desires. • Ask yourself what your motivation is for expressing complaints.

8. How Should I Express My Needs And Desires? • Beginning sentences with “I,” followed by an expression of your feelings, desires, or thoughts. • By directly stating your feelings, you are taking the responsibility for your own well-being. “I” sentences avoid the blaming or accusatory tone common in statements that begin with “You.”

9. How Can I Find Out About My Partner’s Needs And Desires? • Studies show that the more sexual self-disclosure there is in a relationship, there is usually greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. • Reveal to your partner your thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs. • This creates an environment of trust and understanding, and most people will self-disclose in return. • Ask questions that are open ended.

10. Your partner is free to divulge any and all feelings and beliefs that he or she considers important.

11. Is Listening Important? If So, How Can I Become A Better Listener? • Many people forget that communication requires not just talking, but listening as well. • We may hear with our ears, but we show how attentive we are with body language—body position, eye contact, facial expressions. • Be supportive of your partner’s attempts to communicate with you. In addition to positive body language, interact with him or her in a constructive manner.

12. Is It Possible To Communicate Nonverbally? • When two people are communicating verbally, it is important for there to be agreement between the verbal and nonverbal aspects of the communication.

13. Dealing With Anger And Conflict: An Example • Communication is interactive, so we must also examine communication patterns between partners. • The demand/withdraw pattern in which one partner criticizes or nags and the other avoids can be particularly damaging.

14. Gottman’s group found that couples are more likely to avoid negative interactions when addressing problems if: • (1) the woman takes a “softened start-up approach” and • (2) the man accepts the woman’s influence.

15. What If We Cannot Agree? • When this happens, good communication can only lead to an understanding of those things that the two of you disagree about. It is often helpful to agree that you disagree.

16. Which Parent Should Talk With the Children? • Both parents should make the attempt to open lines of communication.

17. Does Telling Children About Sex Lead Them To Do It? • When parents talk openly and comfortably with their teens about sex and sexual risks, teens are more likely to discuss these matters with their own partners and are also much more likely to use condoms. • Furthermore, in families that have developed strong loving relationships in which parents give their children much positive attention, children are less likely to begin sexual intercourse at a young age or engage in sexually risky behaviors.

18. Why Should I Talk To My Child About Sex? • “If parents are comfortable and have good information, they can be wonderful sex educators. They can contextualize the sexual information into the fabric of family values, ethics, morals and religious beliefs. Sex is embedded in all of these.”

19. When Should I Start Talking With My Child About Sexuality? • Teaching boys that they have a penis and girls that they have a vagina and them attain a healthy attitude about sexuality. • It is also very important to discuss with your children the physiological changes that start at puberty before they actually begin puberty.

20. Men should be able to relate to women with empathy and understanding, and vice versa. Ignorance about the physiological and emotional changes being experienced by the opposite sex is not a good basis on which to build relationships.

21. What Should I Tell My Children About AIDS And Other STDs? • Children aged 9 to 12 will want to know more about how AIDS is transmitted and how they can tell if someone has it. • Teenagers will probably want answers to more explicit questions about transmission and prevention.

22. How Detailed Should Sex Discussions Be? • Your discussions should be frank and explicit. Children do not want “birds and bees” analogies; they want factual information using real terms. • In fact, euphemisms and analogies will only confuse them.

23. What If I Feel Embarrassed? • What you say to your children is important, but how you say it is just as important. • Let them know questions. that you are willing to (and want to) listen to their questions.

24. How Should I Talk With My Child? • “An accepting parent does not convey a negative attitude or exhibit negative behavior when a child’s natural curiosity leads to a question or comment. • Your tone of voice is particularly important. • “The most important message is that nothing a child does will be made worse by talking to the parent about it.

25. There is no way of dealing with sexuality unless the parent has created the atmosphere of love and caring. Unless that atmosphere is there, nothing works.”

26. What About Morals? Aren’t They Important Too? • Sex is more than a biological function. • If you want your children to share your beliefs and values about sex, you must talk about them. • However, your success in imposing your values upon your children will depend, in large part, on your overall relationship with them. • It is not wrong for you to say how you feel, but if your child has developed some values that are different from yours, you must learn to discuss you differences rather than dictate.