EQUIPPING Counselors TO EMPOWER Students

1. EQUIPPINGCounselors TOEMPOWERStudents Directors of Guidance Conference September 2012 Presenter: Marcey Mettica, MS, LPC-Intern Under supervision of Dr. Brandy Schumann, LPC-S, RPT-S, NCC

2. Welcome What do you hope to learn today?

3. What’s Ahead • Goals of Misbehavior • Recognizing it and what to do about it • Internal Motivation • Encouragement vs. Praise • Specific Tools • Limit setting • Choice giving • Coping skills • Wheel of Choice • Brain Works

4. Workshop Objectives • Objective 1 – Participants will learn four goals children have for misbehavior and how to meet the children’s needs with positive alternatives. • Objective 2 – Participants will learn the difference between an internal and external locus of control, how to create internal motivation, and the importance of doing so. • Objective 3 – Participants will learn the difference between encouragement and praise and be exposed to the latest research on the importance of the distinction.

5. Workshop Objectives (Cont.) • Objective 4 – Participants will learn how to teach positive coping mechanisms for children and specific activities and tools to do so. • Objective 5– Participants will learn how to teach positive problem solving skills to children and specific activities and tools to do so. • Objective 6 – Participants will be equipped with information and tools to improve the effectiveness of their counselors in supporting students and training teachers.

6. Children’s Goals of Misbehavior Why do they do that? What should I do about it?

7. CHILDREN’S GOALS OF MISBEHAVIOR Rudolph Dreikurs, “Children the Challenge” Gaining attention Gaining power and control Proving inadequacy Getting revenge

8. GOAL 1: Getting Attention CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS • I only count when I am being noticed. • I’m only important if I keep you busy with me. • Child bothers others, shows off, minor mischief, class clown OR shy, uptight, messy anxious, or lazy.

9. GOAL 1: Getting Attention ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS • Annoyed, irritated, exasperated. • Reminds, coaxes, pleads, gives attention. • Temporarily halts child’s behavior when given attention.

10. POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR ATTENTION • Reflect understanding – I care about you and will spend time with you later • Redirect by assigning a task so the child can gain useful attention • Set up routines and regular duties • Use problem solving skills • Ignore unwanted behavior when possible • Touch without words and use of nonverbal signs

11. GOAL 2: Gaining Power CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS • I only count when I am dominating you or others. • I only count when you do what I want you to do. • “You can’t make me!” • Argues, contradicts, tantrums, defiant, dishonest, power struggles OR forgets, stubborn, disobedient, lazy. • Let me help, give me choices.

12. GOAL 2: Gaining Power ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS • Angry, threatened, challenged, provoked • Preachy, domineering, engages in power struggle • Punishment escalates behavior because child works harder to be the boss

13. POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR POWER • Redirect to positive power by asking for help or assigning task • Offer limited and age appropriate choices • Don’t fight or give in • Don’t engage in a power struggle • Be firm and kind • Whisper • Let routines and rules be the boss • Encourage positive behavior and choices

14. GOAL 3: Proving Inadequacy CHILD’S FEELINGS / ACTIONS • I can’t do anything right. • If I try, I will fail, so I won’t try. • Child gives up, is discouraged, and isolative. • If corrected feels nothing or even worse and stops even small efforts.

15. GOAL 3: Proving Inadequacy ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS • Helpless • Gives up • Does too much for the child • These actions will reinforce feelings of inadequacy in the child.

16. POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR INADEQUACY • Encourage any attempt and celebrate small successes • Break tasks down into small steps • Set up opportunities for success • Teach skills / model • Don’t do it for the child • Build on child’s interests • Stop all criticism • Have faith in child’s abilities • Don’t give up!

17. GOAL 4: Revenge CHILD’SFEELINGS / ACTIONS • I need to push others away to protect myself. • I am unlikeable. • People hurt me. • Malicious, violent, bad loser, steals, hurts OR pouts, threatens, withdraws, moody. • Help me, I am hurting, acknowledge my feelings, care about me.

18. GOAL 4: Revenge ADULT’S FEELINGS / REACTIONS • Hurt, shocked, angry. • Wants to get even or withdraw. • Punishment and retaliation leads to more hurtful actions and escalating pushing others away.

19. POSITIVE ACTIONS TO MEET CHILD’S GOAL FOR REVENGE • Encourage strengths and positive behaviors • Acknowledge hurt feelings • Use reflective listening • Avoid punishment • Build trust • Show you care

20. THE MOST DIFFICULT CHILD • Hardest to like – and they know it • Must build a connection with them • Non-verbals account for up to 93% of what we communicate • Notice and comment when he/she makes an improvement – even a small one • Apologize if necessary – “what you do may not be as important as what you do next” • Reflect feelings BEFORE taking action – communicate understanding • Spend time with the child when he/she is being good • Take a time out if you need one

21. What is the child’s goal of misbehavior? How should it be handled? BREAK OUT SESSION

22. CAN YOU MOTIVATE? Motivation: The general desire or willingness of someone to do something

23. INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL MOTIVATION External Driven by extrinsic factors (parents, teachers) Rewards, deadlines, threats, social pressures Driven to please others, seek rewards or avoid punishment Internal • Driven by intrinsic factors (self, pride, goals) • Driven by curiosity and exploration • Enjoyable • Self motivation http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/eleanor-chin/200901041123

24. Integrating The Two • Intrinsic motivation is important to self-motivation • Too much makes us self-indulgent • External motivation is needed to “fit” in the world • Too much decreases motivation • Balance the goal with finding the right path • Listen – what motivates and excites the child? • Observe – what are the child’s strengths? What do they enjoy? • Reflect – help the child notice these things about him/herself • Encourage rather than praise

25. Praise vs. EncouragementWhat’s wrong with saying “Good job!” Aconfusing and difficult concept for some

26. WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAYING “GOOD JOB” http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/encouragement.html • Praise after a task then becomes expected • Children learn to “perform” rather than “create” • Praise is evaluative and judgmental • Praise reduces self-reliance and self-control • Encouragement influences success later in life • Encouragement enables self-motivation • Encouragement recognizes effort • Effort, discipline, and emotional strength = critical life skills

27. ENCOURAGEMENT VERSUS PRAISE ENCOURAGEMENT Promotes cooperation and contribution for the good of all Focuses on effort and joy Child feels “accepted” Fosters self-interest, Creates triers Fosters acceptance of being imperfect Fosters independence PRAISE • Promotes rivalry and competition • Focuses on quality of performance • Child feels “judged” • Fosters selfishness • Creates quitters • Fosters fear of failure • Fosters dependence http://www.thekidcounselor.com/articles/encouragement-vs-praise

28. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? ENCOURAGEMENT Focus on effort and improvement You figured it out! Describe and show interest You decided to . . . I see you are really thinking about this . . . Show confidence Sounds like you have a plan . . . You know a lot about . . . That is tough but I bet you’ll figure it out Focus on contributions You made a difference by . . . Would you help me? Notice positive actions You didn’t give up . . . That was a kind thing to do . . . You are determined to get that done PRAISE • You did great! • You are the best student! • You are always on time! • Your picture is so pretty! • I am so proud of you! • You’re a good helper!

29. Helpful Articles and Videos about Praise VS Encouragement Articles: How Not to Talk to Your Kids: The Inverse Power of Praise. By Po Bronson http://nymag.com/print/?/news/features/27840/ Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” By Alfie Kohn http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm If Praising Kids Is Bad, What Should I Do? How I Negotiate the Encouragement Problem. By Heather Turgeon www.babble.com/kid/child-development/how-to-praise-kids-encouragement/ Videos: The Myth Of Praise, ABC News. http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=8487839 Michael Jordan “Failure” commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45mMioJ5szc Michael Jordan “Maybe It’s My Fault” commercial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=PH8nTfxwByY

30. SO WHAT’S A COUNSELOR TO DO? YOU NOW – Understand children have goals for their misbehavior Know why encouragement is better than praise Know why developing an internal locus of control will reduce the need for external control NOW WHAT? Specific tools and programs

31. SPECIFIC TOOLS • Limit Setting • Choice Giving • Healthy Coping Skills • Wheel of Choice Problem Solving • Brain Works

32. LIMIT SETTING A-C-T • A – Acknowledge the child’s feeling • Accept the feeling not the behavior • C – Communicate the limit • Simple, calm, and firm • T – Target alternatives • What is acceptable • EXAMPLE: • A – You are really mad that you can’t have the book right now • C – But someone else is reading it • T - You may read the book when we return from lunch or tomorrow, which do you choose?

33. CHOICE GIVING • Using the word “CHOICE” or “CHOOSE” returns responsibility back to the child • Choice giving is a great tool to empower children • Give both parts of the choice – the consequence and the positive part • Always follow through

34. CHOICE GIVING • A FEW EXAMPLES: • Suzy, if you choose to put the doll away now, you may choose to play with it again today. If you choose to not put the doll away now, you choose to not play with it again today. • Sam, you may choose to sit quietly and continue listening to the story we are reading or you may choose to get a puzzle and sit quietly at your desk. • Kelly, you may choose to walk to the back of the line or you may choose to hop to the back of the line.

35. COPING SKILLS • Stress, anger, sadness = poor attention and memory • Poor coping skills lead to high risk behaviors • School triggers stress but also a safe place to learn • Normalizes feelings • Peer learning • Kids learn coping skills (+ & -) from parents, peers, and teachers

36. COPING SKILLS Why teach positive coping skills? • Increases students’ self confidence and self esteem • Increases internal locus of control (intrinsic motivation) • Reduces behavior problems in the school • Teaches positive life skills Two Programs • Wheel of Choice program (elementary) • Brain Works program (pre-teen/adolescent)

37. WHEEL OF CHOICE PROGRAM Program created by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott Information presented with permission from Jane Nelson • Based on Positive Discipline in the Classroom • Curriculum based approach with 14 lessons • Teaches life skills • Students can create their own “choices” • Gives students a visual reminder and easy to use tool

38. Positive Discipline Lesson Plans • Share and Take Turns • Apologize • Ask Them To Stop • Be a Friend • Go to Cool-off Spot • Count to Ten • Ignore It • Mistaken Goal Chart • Put It on the Agenda • Say What You Want • Try Again • “I” Messages • Work it out Together • Ask for Help Complete program available at www.positivediscipline.com

39. WHEEL OF CHOICE WWW.EMPOWERINGPEOPLE.COM Information presented with permission from author, Jane Nelson

40. CREATE A WHEEL OF CHOICE TOGETHER Horizon School – Newport Beach, CA Classroom in Horizon School

41. Brain Works Project • Many Lesson plan ideas and comprehensive school program (www.copingskills4kids.net) • Teach brain knowledge – • Brain development • Nearly fully developed by age 12 • Frontal lobe development up to mid 20’s • Kids eager to learn about themselves • What happens to the brain when we are upset? • How can we better manage our emotions?

42. Brain Works Project • Handout of Project Example • Emotional experiences • Loss, rejection, betrayal or humiliation? • How do I feel inside? • How does this experience make me feel about myself? • How did I cope (+ and -)? • What is something positive you’ve learned about yourself through this upsetting experience?

43. POSITIVE COPING SKILLS Have older students brainstorm a list of positive coping skills Explain that sometimes people choose negative coping skills (i.e. drugs, alcohol, self-harm, aggression, isolation etc.) Distribute the list Each student can create their own Wheel of Choice with coping skills that work best for them

44. Additional Resources Great links from Polk Elementary School Website – Dearborn Heights, Michigan (see handout) http://polkdhsd7.sharpschool.com/staff_directory/p_b_s_behavior_intervention/tier_1_interventions/teach_coping_skills

45. Breakout Session Create your own Wheel of Choice for Your Personal Coping Skills

46. PLEASE COMPLETE EVALUATION FORM Marcey Mettica, MS, LPC-Intern Under supervision of Dr. Brandy Schumann, LPC-S, RPT-S Child, Adolescent, Adult and Group Counselor Play Therapist and Parenting Trainer marcey@tots.pro Therapy on the Square 114 ½ E Louisiana, Ste. 201 McKinney, TX 75069 972-439-5160 direct 972-886-8375 office