Preparing for the Prince of Peace

1. Preparing for the Prince of Peace The process of reconciliation and restoration

2. The approach to reconciliation • The scriptural teaching on reconciliation is central • Matthew 5:24 –”If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that you brother has something against you, leave you gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift.”

3. The Ministry of Reconciliation • 2 Corinthians 5:18-20 • “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone the new has come. All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.”

4. Personal preparation for reconciliation • It is obvious that we can only reconcile to others when we ourselves have experienced our reconciliation to God through faith in Jesus Christ. • Several things begin to take place when we become motivated to reconcile • Our attitude toward others is characterized by genuine concern for them. • Our spirits are humbled in recognition that we too are broken and sinful persons • We acknowledge before God that we are forgiving toward those who have hurt us. • We are willing to be obedient to do what God calls us to do.

5. Approaches in Conflict Resolution

6. Some faulty resolution patterns • Trying to win at any cost • Over-spiritualizing • False and misleading acts of sincerity • Blaming it on psychopathology, the environment or demons • One party taking advantage of the honest spiritual stance of the other party. • False humility • Becoming a martyr

7. The Basics: The Old Covenant as a Paradigm Bilateral Conditional Inflexible: Stones Retaliatory Holy, good, perfect... Inoperative due to human failure, weakness

8. Resolution patterns for fair fighting • Identify the salient issue and stay focused on it. • Set appropriate times for communication • Select a neutral place • Define a starting point • The target is the issue not the other person • Be open to utilization of a mediator or peacemaker

9. Terms of the New Covenant • Unilateral • Unconditional. • Proactive • Characterized by grace and mercy • Promotes forgiveness and forgetfulness • Intrinsic to the heart and mind • Truth in love, empowered by the Spirit • Promoting positive relationships

10. Resolution patterns for fair fighting • Agree to stop argumentation on the request of one person. • Do not involve third parties on either side • No other weapons than words are allowed • If the past has been forgiven it should not be brought up again. • Stay focused and honest in terms of thoughts and feelings

11. Re-evaluate Asess the relationship Gather information about their interactions/complaints Excesses Déficits Assets Decide to take an initiative Move in the desirable direction Evaluate the decisions taken Continue along the road taken Decide to change direction

12. Stewardship of Relations: Accountability That Day This Day Chronos

14. REACH MODEL OF FORGIVENESS • Hold on to forgiveness • Commit publically to forgive • Altruistic gift of forgiveness • Empathize • Recall the hurt

15. Reasons for not reconciling • It’s all over – I don’t want to open old wounds and start over. • It feels more comfortable being apart • I don’t want to have to make the first move • Even if I should reconcile, it seems like an enormous task. • It may be that the cost of reconciling might outweigh the benefits. • Reconciliation may not be sensible in view of our differences • How can I risk trusting again?

16. Reasons for reconciling • I can’t stand failure in relationships • The other person is valuable and the relationship could be good this time. • There are so many people who would benefit from our reconciliation: including family, friends, and the church • I am not willing to maintain the status quo of inaction • If this continues without healing there will be a disastrous rift in so many connected relationships.

17. Overcoming barriers to forgiveness

18. Overcoming barriers to forgiveness

19. Decide reconciliation process

20. The timing for reconciliation

21. Keeping cool in the face of conflicted topics • Practice forbearance • Demonstrate you capacity for empathy • Give good reflection on what you hear • Give the other person space for doubt • Be balanced and fair in you expectations • Remember the importance of forgiving • Decide whether to give or expect forgiveness – or both

22. Soul detoxification • Be sure to accept forgiveness from God • Forgiving decisionally (I John 1:9) let go of self-condemnation • Forgive self emotionally • What does the ledger look like? • When the pain lingers – give it to God • Reflect on who you are as a loved child of God. This is not because of who you are but is a reflection of who God is.

23. Building the relationship in love • What does the other person understand what love is? • Chapman’s “Five Love Languages” • Words of love and encouragement • Physical touch and affection • Spending quality time • Acts of loving service • Receiving gifts

24. Resources • Many of the previous ideas come from • Everett L. Worthington “Forgiving and Reconciling.”

25. Possible choices in restoration • A person chooses not to repent but stays stuck where they are • A person will fake repentance and receive a hollow restoration • The person will truly repent and enter into the process of restoration

26. The pattern of repentance • Repentance • Forgiveness • Ruling out continuing in sin • Healing • New attitudes and behaviors • Growth and development • Awareness of vulnerability • Understanding God’s provision for continual cleansing

27. Dishonesty program • Decision to lie overtly or just not disclose • Superficial relationships • Trust does not develop out of fear of discovery • Feelings of loneliness and isolation • Vulnerability is weak • Lack of vulnerability and increase in dishonesty

28. Honesty program • Decision to be truthful about self and sin • Others know who you are • You are less afraid to talk to others • As you talk, new possibilities for trust develop • Others show renewed trust • Both you and others become more vulnerable • Intimacy develops • Intimacy sets the stage for greater honesty • Cleansing and healing and growth continue

29. Traits of a restoring church • A safe place for people to be real • A place where godly judgment is administered • A place where grace is extended • A place for discipline • A place for accountability • A place where truth-telling is practices • A place where proper restoration is possible • A safe place for all persons involved

30. Developing a Spiritual Care Team • Restoration requires accountability and careful observation • All members are committed to prayer and openness • Members are willing to invest themselves in terms of time and support • Members demonstrate spiritual maturity • Members have the capacity to keep confidences • Members have the courage to confront in love

31. RESTORATION • Restoration is a process that requires sufficient time • There is a spirit of welcome by all parties involved • There is acceptance by the larger community • Illus: Peter restored by Jesus after the resurrection • Restored people and relationships will probably look stronger than they were before the rift that requied restoration

32. The Process of Restoration • Restoration is the end of the work of rebuilding • We must always begin with forgiveness and a deep personal commitment to accepting God’s grace to enable us to forgive. • Reconciliation follows forgiveness and is a often a long and sometimes slow process. Reconciliation requires an openness on the part of both parties. • Restoration is the process of rebuilding when there is sufficient safety and confidence to risk trusting again.

33. Reference • Restoring the Fallen Earl and Sandy Wilson; Paul and Virginia Friesen; Larry and Nancy Paulson -