Talking with Children about Death and Dying

1. Talking with Children about Death and Dying Your name, institution, etc.

2. Preparation • Whenever possible talk to the family first. • You need to know what the child has already been told. • You need to know what beliefs (religious or otherwise) the family has about an afterlife. You can not share your belief about an afterlife. You must reinforce what the child will hear later.

3. Preparation • If the child is going to see the person who has died or is dying, make sure they are properly prepared. • Explain medical equipment when appropriate. • Use pictures first if possible. • Listen for concerns and misconceptions.

4. Language • Use clear and concise words when telling the child what has happened. Misconceptions are common among children. • Do not use terms such as the person “went away” or “went to sleep.” • Make sure the child understands it is not their fault that the death has happened.

5. Expression of Emotion • Let the child know that expressing emotions and asking questions is okay. • Encourage them to remember good things about the person who has died.

6. Talk with the child about what to expect in the next few days. • Provide parents with tools or information to help them to explain death to the child. • Seek help from other professionals if needed.

7. Kubler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief • Denial and Isolation • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance

8. Denial and Isolation • At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

9. Anger • The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. • He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

10. Bargaining • Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"

11. Depression • The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.

12. Acceptance • This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

13. Developmental Considerations When Talking with Children about Death Children at different ages have different abilities to understand death. Here are a few simple developmental facts to keep in mind when talking to a child about death.

14. Infants and Toddlers • This age may not understand death. • They will react to the change in emotions exhibited by adults. • If it is a parent who has died, the child will experience separation anxiety. • The change in routine that occurs when someone has died can be upsetting to a child this age.

15. Infants and Toddlers • Encourage the caregiver to provide as consistent a routine as possible. The caregiver should try to spend some time each day with the child to help them feel secure.

16. Preschool Age • This age has trouble understanding death. They may not understand that death is permanent, • Tell the child what to expect as far as changes in routine or what they may see. • This age group is very egocentric, and may feel that the death is result of something they did or thought.

17. Preschool Age • A child at this age may be concerned about where the person who died has gone or how that person will perform basic life functions. • Fear of “catching death” or falling asleep and not awaking is not uncommon in this age group. • Opportunities to express their feelings and repeated clear explanations will benefit a child at this age.

18. School Age • Although the younger child in this age group does not believe it can happen to them, this aged child is beginning to understand death a little more fully. • A school age child may worry about other significant people in their lie dying. • There is often a need for more details about how or why the person died.

19. School Age • Feelings may be difficult to express or understand for this child. Letting them know that different people handle their feelings differently and being supportive will help a child in this age group.

20. Adolescents • This age group is beginning to think more abstractly and more like an adult. • They may act as if they do not want help, do not want to talk about death, or they may try to hide their feelings. • It is important to encourage communication and to include the adolescent in decision making. • Seek professional help if needed.

21. Key Points • Many of the suggestions given for each age group can be used with any age. • For example, consistency in routine and support from a parent benefits every age group, not just infants and toddlers. • Remember every child is a different individual and may not exactly fit the age group you think they should.