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GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING: Creating Conversations That Change Children ’ s Lives

GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING: Creating Conversations That Change Children ’ s Lives. Dr. Brad Sachs, Ph.D www.drbradsachs.com MVLA High School Foundation April 24, 2014. Irrigate vs. Irritate . Illuminate vs. Eliminate . 3 Main Components . Listening Conveying Empathy Attracting Curiosity.

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GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING: Creating Conversations That Change Children ’ s Lives

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  1. GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING:Creating ConversationsThat Change Children’s Lives Dr. Brad Sachs, Ph.D www.drbradsachs.com MVLA High School Foundation April 24, 2014

  2. Irrigate vs. Irritate

  3. Illuminate vs. Eliminate

  4. 3 Main Components • Listening • Conveying Empathy • Attracting Curiosity

  5. Listening

  6. Listening Is Not…. • Confusing a child’s honesty with disrespect • Confusing a child’s desire to engage with disobedience • Confusing a child’s lack of self-awareness(“I don’t know”) with disengagement

  7. Empathy

  8. We are all born with a capacity to develop and display caregiving behaviors aimed at providing protection and support to others who are vulnerable/dependent or temporarily in need—mainly, our children

  9. Empathy The ability to feel what another person is feeling but also to respond to it

  10. Empathy Imbalances…

  11. Too Little Identification…

  12. Too Little Identification

  13. Too Much Identification…

  14. The Key To Empathy…. Remaining alive to the otherness of our child as well as our own childhood experience

  15. Curiosity

  16. The Curiosity Concept Parent-child conversations should be designed to attract children’s curiosity about who they are and why they do what they do so that they begin to discover a sense of meaning and purpose behind their actions

  17. The Curiosity Concept Who do I become under the expectations that I impose upon myself and how do I develop those expectations?

  18. The Curiosity Concept Who do I become under the expectations that others and the world impose upon meand how do I decide which ones to meet and which ones to relinquish?

  19. The Curiosity Muscle

  20. The Fourth Component

  21. Impediments Expectations Vs. Reality

  22. Impediments to Mighty Words

  23. Impediments to Mighty Words

  24. Impediments to Mighty Words

  25. Impediments… Parent-Teen battles are a necessary way to acknowledge attachment to each other and come to understand each other…

  26. Impediments… …the worst fights are usually created by the family’s effort to avoid fights

  27. Impediments… Teens elicit in and project onto adults all of the discomfiting emotions that they are feeling…

  28. Impediments… …they prefer to fight with others rather than with themselves

  29. Psycho-Dialysis

  30. Impediments… Teens may refuse to ask for help, or may reject help that is offered, because help reminds them of their own remaining vulnerability and dependence

  31. What Are Mighty Words????

  32. Mighty Words • Not a debate • Not a sermon or lecture • Not an interrogation or cross-examination

  33. Mighty Words An Inquiry (and perhaps an interesting conversation)…but not An Inquisition

  34. Mighty Words • No rigidly anticipated conclusion • Induces further thought/reflection in the child • Leads the child to converse with him/herself more than with you

  35. Mighty Words • Prompts the child towards increased closeness, both with others and with him/herself • Encourages the child to learn new ways of finding meaning in the world • Stimulates you to learn about yourself from your child

  36. Mighty Words It’s all in the delivery Being more receptivetoand interested in the child’s experience than s/he is

  37. I Don’t Understand… “…why you get B’s and C’s when everyone says you could get A’s?”

  38. I Don’t Understand… “…why I have to remind you ten times to put down your video controller and put away your laundry—that’s ALL I’m asking you to do, just put away your laundry!”

  39. I Don’t Understand…. “…why you keep bothering your sister and then complaining to me when she yells when if you would just leave her alone in the first place she wouldn’t bother you at all…”

  40. Mighty Words Focus on fertilizing the Soil not germinating the Seed

  41. The Reality is that… The less s/he’s reacting to you… The more s/he can react to him/herself

  42. Mighty Words May MeanLess Words Subtract Yourself from the Equation (Tzimtzum)

  43. The Virtuous Cycle Versus The Vicious Cycle

  44. Mighty Words Results in hope for the future and an increased resolve to change and grow, rather thanimmobilizing feelings of shame, guilt and disappointment

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