Ten Things Every Child Should Master

1. NJAIS Professional Development Conference 2016 The Life Skills Summit: Ten Things Every Child Should Master Joseph Pacelli, Headmaster Oak Hill Academy Lincroft, NJ October 23, 2016

2. Ten Things Every Child Should Master • Has a Purpose (Passion) • Makes Good Decisions • Has Resilience • Is a Problem Solver • Is a Leader • Is Independent • Has effective Social Skills • Has Curiosity and Global Awareness • Uses Emotional Intelligence • Is Able to Cope

3. How to Raise An Adult – Julie Lythcott-Haims

4. How to Raise An Adult 1984 Stranger Danger Abductions A Nation at Risk – No Child Left Behind Self-esteem Movement Play dates – scheduled play Helicopter Parent (Bulldozer Parent) Parent felt their success compromised if their children fell short of expectations Began to see a lack of self-efficacy caused by over parenting

5. How to Raise An Adult Also began to prepare our kids for life by protecting them from life (cuts, bruises, egos, feelings) As parents we became frazzled, worried, stressful and our kids over scheduled (little time to relax) Crossing the street (parent with child) Overusing the “Bully Label” The cell phone became the world’s longest umbilical cord Everyone Gets a Trophy – and no one is a loser Sports used to be for fun, now they are a chore

6. I. Has a Purpose (Passion) Help others What is shaping the way we dream? Our environment tells us what is possible Purpose matters – essential for achieving happiness and satisfaction in life Study what you love, and the rest will follow Embrace the kid you’ve got – Let them discover their path And remember – Learning from mistakes fosters determination, humility, commitment, patience and problem- solving

7. II. Make Good Decisions Information Literacy Independent decisions builds an intelligence base which can probe, develop and work out solutions Building life skills in order to make good decisions First we do it for you – then we do it with you – then watch you do it – then you do it completely independently – then we can sit back and watch you do it Gross motor skills Amanda The Hands inform the Brain

8. III. Resilience Colleges report decline in resilience Students having trouble with problems in everyday life Poor grade reason to complain rather than study harder College-Faculty handholding Parents seeking lowering of academic standards and not to challenge students too much Students afraid to fail – they do not take risks Colleges say they are expected to be substitute parents

9. III. Resilience We are raising a generation of young people who have not been given the opportunity to learn how to solve their own problems College students need freedom to get away from adults so they can practice being adults – take responsibilities Two things kids should get from their parents: “Roots and Wings” Help build resilience in kids – undo fixed mindset. If you praise kids for being smart, results are kids avoiding harder challenges. It’s the effort that counts. Keep trying, figure a different approach, “I haven’t been successful yet!”

10. IV. Problem Solving Analytical Skills Critical Thinking Collaboration Habits of Mind Curiosity Willingness to experiment with new ideas Ability to see and respect other points of view Ability and willingness to challenge their own beliefs Willingness and ability to engage in intellectual discussions Ability to ask provocative questions Ability to generate hypothesis (“what if” questions) Respectful attitude toward other viewpoints Ability to read with an awareness of themselves

11. IV. Problem Solving Plan and organize Research Check and verify

12. V. Leadership Leaders Are Learners Above the Line – Urban Meyer A true leader is someone who is going someplace and taking people with him. A catalyst for elite performance that enables people to achieve things they wouldn’t achieve on their own. Never settle for “good enough”. Always getting better – constant improvement – lifelong learning Clarity of Purpose Trust High Standards Accountability Must work at it and have a passion to get better every day Above the line behavior is intentional, on purpose and skillful. Below the line is impulsive, on autopilot, resistant, “just OK”, blame others, complain, defend, not owning up to mistakes and not being accountable.

13. V. Leadership E + R = O Event + Response = Outcome 6 disciplines R:1 Press Pause R:2 Get Your Mind Right R:3 Step Up R:4 Adjust and Adapt R:5 Make a Difference R:6 Build Skill

14. V. Leadership • Relentless effort key to achieving goals Success is cumulative and progressive Success is achieved by focused and sustained action Might have to do actions, unpleasant things • Competitive excellence – Best games are best practices Preparation (organized) Think like a leader – deeply, originally, often, bravely, creatively Idea Box – The Power of Belief • Belief creates Vision • Belief creates Strength • Belief creates Resilience • Belief creates, ignites, and activates

15. VI. Independence – Self-Confidence – Self-Motivated – Self-Sufficient – Self-Direction • Do it myself • Creativity mechanism trying to kick in • Young child is curious – failure not even thought about • Try with incremental success • Take ownership (right or wrong) • Independence needs space to grow and flourish • Chris Fortunato (goal all 100% and 5) and Harry Jain • Set goals – large and intermediate

16. VI. Independence – Self-Confidence – Self-Motivated – Self-Sufficient – Self-Direction • Grit • Brain is a goal seeking device • Write a program in code or develop a board game • Use Legos • Teach independence which promotes self-reliance and good decision making: all leads to self-competence. • When speaking, avoid filled in words (like, um, you know) • The gritty individual approaches achievement as a marathon; his or her advantage is stamina

17. VII. Effective social skills, speaking (communication) Socialsklz for Success – Faye de Muyshondt • Reading Comprehension and Fluency • Vocab building (word recondition) • Cultural literacy – read together share stories • Be an active listener • Unfortunately tech devices have led to greater degree of incivility (respond with politeness), smile, diminish face-to-face interactions • Social IQ: shaking hands and making a good first impression, thoughtfulness and empathy • Eye contact (you never get a second chance to make a good first impression)

18. VII. Effective social skills, speaking (communication) Socialsklz for Success – Faye de Muyshondt How to greet people and introduce themselves Smile Good body language Eye contact Shake hands Introduce yourself How to be a Good Friend Don’t talk about self – show interest in others Care about others Eliminate hearsay – gossip Understand others’ moods Give credit when due Apologize Gratitude is the link to happiness, well-being and stronger relationships with others.  Means good feelings, brings more love, appreciation, compassion and sensitive to feelings of others comes back tenfold.

19. VIII. Curiosity and Global Awareness • Creativity • Draw, Legos, design, innovation program, cook, fix things, put together a desk, crossword puzzles, puzzles, read-vocab, music, dance, invent, build, color, take a cardboard box and explore • Customs of others • Climate • Language • If a child is not prepared to be wrong, they’ll never come up with anything original (just give me the answer)

20. VIII. Curiosity and Global Awareness Help them teach themselves how to think • Descartes – “I think, therefore I am.” • Socrates – “The unexamined life is not worth living.” • Let them figure things out (directions written) • Have a conversation about what they are learning, experiences and decisions • Have an open dialogue. Ask open ended questions … “What did you enjoy most about whatever?” not “How did you do?”

21. IX. Emotional Intelligence Self control Above The Line behavior Life skills When parents trample on their child’s desires, the kid might accede, withdraw or grow defiant “No mistake” mentality – parents have become the observer, handler, go-between “always” be there for our kids – physically, cell phone, hovering, eyes, ears and brains, poised to anticipate problems, provide paperwork or materials, intervene , Don’t trust Authorities – School – Sports

22. X. Cope – (Courage) (Risk Taking) Mind set – fixed – growth Not successful – yet! Everything is a Drama Take an easier class to get an “A” “Casey” We must let our teachers teach and coaches coach – “Parent never spoke to me” CBA – Jeff Turk Let them fall, so they can pick themselves up “Don’t do for a child what they can do for themselves” Chores are a great way to learn how to cope and take responsibility – earn $ shovel driveway Can’t wait until 18 to be able to talk to strangers, find way around campus, manage assignments, workload and deadlines, earn and manage money, take risks, cope with ups and downs

23. X. Cope – (Courage) (Risk Taking) College students having a hard time (survey 153 campuses) 84.3% Overwhelmed 79.1% Exhausted 60% Sad 57% Lonely 51% Suffer from anxiety 47% Helpless 38% Anger 31% Depressed 8% Thinking suicide 6% Cut or injure self Many of our kids are experiencing a learned helplessness As parents we can’t nor should we always “Fix it”

24. In summation Strong perceptions of personal capabilities—capable of facing problems and learning through challenges and experiences. Strong perceptions of personal significance—capable of contributing in meaningful ways and believing that life has meaning and purpose. Strong perceptions of personal influence over life—capacity to understand that one’s actions and choices influence one’s life and hold one accountable. Strong intrapersonal skills—capacity to manage emotions through self-assessment, self-control, and self-discipline. Strong interpersonal skills—capacities necessary to deal effectively with others through communication, cooperation, negotiation, sharing, empathizing, and listening. Strong systemic skills—capacity for responding to the limits, consequences, and interrelatedness of human and natural systems with responsibilities, adaptability, flexibility, and integrity. Strong judgment skills—Capacity for making decisions and choices that reflect moral and ethical principles, wisdom, and values. A primary goal of parent and teaching processes is that of strengthening these areas so that our young people can take on life with an adequate base of these personal resources and assets.

25. How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success – Julie Lythcott-Haimssocialsklz :-) (Social Skills) for Success: How to Give Children the Skills They Need to Thrive in the Modern World – Faye de MuyshondtAbove The Line: Lessons in Leadership and Life from a Championship Season - Urban MeyerE Is for Exceptional: The New Science of Success – Rob Yeung Sources