You’re a REAL teacher if…

1. you declare “no cuts” when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line. You’re a REAL teacher if…

2. you can “sense” gum. You’re a REAL teacher if…

3. you move your dinner partner’s glass away from the edge of the table. You’re a REAL teacher if…

4. you sing the “Alphabet Song” to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book. You’re a REAL teacher if…

5. you say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything. And then you ask “Does everyone understand?” You’re a REAL teacher if…

6. you cheer when you hear April 1 does not fall on a school day. You’re a REAL teacher if…

7. you can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. You’re a REAL teacher if…

8. you have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. (Master teachers eat even faster.) You’re a REAL teacher if…

9. you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends. You’re a REAL teacher if…

10. you know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission. You’re a REAL teacher if…

11. you know the best day-before-a-vacation lesson plans can come from Blockbuster. You’re a REAL teacher if…

12. you know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from your classroom to the office. You’re a REAL teacher if…

13. you say “I like the way you did that” to the mechanic who repairs your car. You’re a REAL teacher if…

14. you ask “Are you sure you did your best?” to the mechanic who fails to repair your car. You’re a REAL teacher if…

15. you have your best conferences in the parking lot. You’re a REAL teacher if…

16. you believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.” You’re a REAL teacher if…

17. you believe that no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for at least 5 years. You’re a REAL teacher if…

18. you buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam’s. You’re a REAL teacher if…

19. you will eat anything that is put in the teacher’s lounge (but only AFTER you find out which family provided it). You’re a REAL teacher if…

20. you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group. You’re a REAL teacher if…

21. you know that secretaries and custodians run the school. You’re a REAL teacher if…

22. you have the assistant principals’ and counselors’ home phone numbers. You’re a REAL teacher if…

23. meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?” You’re a REAL teacher if…

24. you want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!” You’re a REAL teacher if…

25. you believe chocolate is a food group. You’re a REAL teacher if…

26. you can tell it’s a full moon without ever looking outside. You’re a REAL teacher if…

27. you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when out in public. You’re a REAL teacher if…

28. you have no time for a life from August to June. You’re a REAL teacher if…

29. you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge”. You’re a REAL teacher if…

30. you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling. You’re a REAL teacher if…

31. you’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job. You’re a REAL teacher if…

32. you can’t have children because there’s no name you could give a child that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered. You’re a REAL teacher if…

33. you think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form. You’re a REAL teacher if…

34. a parent calls to chew you out because you have ignored her son’s project only to learn from you that it must be the one that has sat on the chalkrail for weeks with the words “Whose? Is this yours?” written above it. You’re a REAL teacher if…

35. your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time. You’re a REAL teacher if…

36. you have classroom rules about where people may put their feet. You’re a REAL teacher if…

37. you are irritated by adults who chew gum in public. You’re a REAL teacher if…

38. you write your name conspicuously on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking tape, your textbook, and your chair. You’re a REAL teacher if…

39. you always, to your family’s embarrassment, turn a pizza into a math lesson on fractions. You’re a REAL teacher if…

40. stacking piles of papers on the floor seems like a logical filing system to you. You’re a REAL teacher if…

41. you drive older cars owned by credit unions. You’re a REAL teacher if…

42. you correct the grammar and spelling on restaurant menus. You’re a REAL teacher if…

43. you consider a 2.3% pay raise above average. You’re a REAL teacher if…

44. you tote more keys than a horse has teeth, and you know how many teeth a horse has. You’re a REAL teacher if…

45. you never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair (or toilet). You’re a REAL teacher if…

46. you would NEVER teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders. You’re a REAL teacher if…

47. can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House and Parent Teacher Conferences. You’re a REAL teacher if…

48. you have explained to a child that being a rock in the school play is an important role. You’re a REAL teacher if…

49. your spouse surreptitiously reads the paper at dinner while you describe your day. You’re a REAL teacher if…

50. you could be written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidney and bladder. You’re a REAL teacher if…