Chapter 4

1. Chapter 4 Revising and Proofreading Business Messages

2. Revising and Proofreading • Revising: Improving content and sentence structure. May involve adding, cutting, recasting. • Proofreading: Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics.

3. Concise Wording Instead of this: We are of the opinion that Please feel free to In addition to the above At this point in time Despite the fact that Try this: We think Please Also Now Although Revise your messages to eliminate wordiness.

4. Wordy Prepositional Phrases Instead of this: We don’t as a general rule cash personal cheques. Students in very few instances receive parking tickets. She calls meetings on a monthly basis. Try this: We don’t generally cash personal cheques. Students seldom receive parking tickets. She calls monthly meetings.

5. Long Lead-Ins Instead of this: This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today. I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted. Try this: All employees meet today. Thanks to everyone who voted.

6. Outdated Expressions Outdated: as per your request pursuant to your request attached hereunto under separate cover Modern: at your request at your request attached separately

7. Needless Adverbs Instead of this: The manager is actuallyquite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable. Try this: The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable. To sound more credible and to streamline your writing, omit adverbs such as definitely,quite,really,actually, and so forth.

8. Fillers Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there and it when used merely to take up space. Instead of this: There are two employees who should be promoted. It was Lisa and Jeff who were singled out. Try this: Two employees should be promoted. Lisa and Jeff were singled out.

9. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. • This e-mail message is to inform you that in all probability we will actually finish in two weeks. We will probably finish in two weeks.

10. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. • There are many brokers who are quite certain that these stocks are completely safe. Many brokers are certain that these stocks are safe.

11. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. • Pursuant to your request, there are two contracts that are attached hereto. As you requested, two contracts are attached.

12. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence to avoid a long lead-in, wordy prepositional phrase, outdated expression, needless adverb, filler, and/or other forms of wordiness. • All employees are hereby informed that as a general rule computers may not be used for personal activities. Generally, employees may not use computers for personal activities.

13. Redundant Words Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions? advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back thought and consideration

14. Jargon Computer jargon: queue export bandwidth Alternative language: list of documents waiting to be printed transfer data from one program to another Internet capacity Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize. Is jargon ever permissible?

15. Slang Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings). clueless turkey chill/chill out sweet peeps unaware, naïve fool Relax nice friends

16. Clichés Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words. Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone. We had reached the end of our rope. Finally, you should work diligently. We could go no farther.

17. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. • Last but not least, the accountant referred back to an exactly identical case. Finally, the accountant referred to an identical case.

18. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. • With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked. With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom.

19. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence to avoid slang, clichés, and redundancies. • Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the hip, demanded final completion by January 1. Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1.

20. Precise Verbs Revise your writing to include precise verbs instead of general, lackluster, all-purpose ones. Market researchers said that profits would improve. Market researchers forecasted improved profits. Market researchers promised improved profits. Market researchers predicted improved profits.

21. Precise Verbs Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns. The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense. The manager realized that telecommuting made sense. An application must be made by the job seeker. The job seeker must apply. TIP: Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs?

22. Try Your Skill Revise the following sentence using more precise verbs. • The seller said she would contact you. The seller will e-mail [telephone or fax] you. • We must give encouragement to our team. We must encourage our team. • Have you made an application for employment? Have you applied for employment? • A duty of the general manager is the calculation of monthly sales. The general manager calculates monthly sales.

23. Concrete Nouns Revise your writing to include specific, concrete nouns instead of general, abstract ones. The man asked for a raise. Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase. An employee presented a proposal. Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.

24. Vivid Adjectives Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones. The report was good. The report was persuasive (or detailed, original, thorough, painstaking, complete, comprehensive). The report was bad. (Possible revisions?)

25. Proofreading Spelling Grammar Punctuation Names and numbers Format

26. How to Proofread Complex Documents • Allow adequate time. • Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. • Be prepared to find errors. • Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics. • Reduce your reading speed.

27. How to Proofread Complex Documents For documents that must be perfect: • Have one person read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout. • Recheck the spelling of names and difficult words • Verify capitalization • Fine-tune punctuation.