STEP-PARENTING

1. The Shawnee Mission Parent Resources Center STEP-PARENTING Ciloue Cheng Stewart, Ph.D., M.S.Ed., LCMFT Family Therapist Stewart@clinical-assoc.com Clinical Associates, P.A. 913-677-3553

2. I. What Does Research Tell Us? A. Some Statistics • 52-62% of all first marriages will eventually end in legal • divorce. • About 75% of divorced persons eventually remarry. • About 43% of all marriages are remarriages for at least one • of the adults. • About 65% of remarriages involve children from the prior • marriage and form stepfamilies • ~ National Stepfamily Resource Center

3. One of three Americans is now a stepparent, a stepchild, • a stepsibling, or some other member of a stepfamily (Larson, 1992). • More than half of Americans today have been, are now or will • eventually be in one or more step situations during • their lives (Larson, 1992). • The most common stepfamilies where children reside are • stepfather families or combined stepfather-stepmother families. • In this latter case, his children from the prior marriage • typically do not reside in the stepfamily. • ~ National Stepfamily Resource Center

4. The Challenges Only 45% of children “do well” after divorce. 41% are “doing poorly, worried, underachieving, deprecating, and often angry. 50% of the women and 30% of the men were still intensely angry with their former spouses. Most felt the lack of a template, a working model, to make Partnership work. Many parents were unable to separate their needs from the children’s needs. ~ Wallerstein, 2000

5. The Good News The children of divorce tended to do well if mothers and fathers, regardless of remarriage, resumed parenting roles, putting differences aside, and allowing the children continuing relationships with both parents! ~ Wallerstein, 2000 The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25-Year Landmark Study Hyperion, NY, NY.

6. B. Common Dynamics Parent lenient toward child’s misbehavior -> Stepparent requests/demands for change -> Parent resistant -> Clashing between parent and stepparent. • Beware of hidden message: • Suzy leaves her dirty dishes in the sink and it’s driving me crazy. • ->Your kid leaves her dirty dishes in the sink and it’s driving me crazy AND you’re not doing anything about it AND don’t you • care if something is bothering me!

7. Hidden Messages: • Why do I have to clean my room now? ->Why do I have to clean my room all of a sudden AND you never asked me to do it before he came along AND now he is here, you don’t care about anything or anyone else anymore! • Try to lighten up on her, she’s only eight years old. -> Try to lighten up on her, she’s only eight years old AND it’s been really hard for her because she’s expected to do much more than ever AND I feel you’re on my case all the time!

8. C. Where Are People Coming From? - A Contextual Understanding • 1. Children: • Loss of hope of reconciliation; • Adapt to changes of expectations and rules are difficult; • Dealing with another adult assuming positions of authority • Sharing love with stepparent • Feelings of being displaced

9. 2. Parent: • Fear of betrayal toward child; realigning with stepparent • A balancing act - juggling needs/demands between • partner and child • Pressure to make immediate change • Lacking time/space for own needs • Seasoned tolerance for their children

10. 3. Stepparent: • Feeling like an outsider • Feeling being dismissed often • The Tolerance Gap • Having good insights, but suggestions often met with • resistance • Lack of understanding of personality, family history, • previous change patterns, etc. • The impact of traditional male/female roles

11. II. The Golden Rules of Step-Parenting A. A Strong Marital Subsystem 1. Speak up 2. Find safe places to vent 3. Common mistakes of Equating Problems With Solutions Meeting my needs IS NOT the same as Having my way!

12. A Constructive Way of Dialoging Example: Suzy’s Family Stepmom: 1. State the Fact, Not Accusation; Own What’s Yours - I like to keep a clean and orderly home. Suzy has been leaving her dishes in the sink. It’s been really frustrating to me! 2. State Your Needs - I need your support. Can you talk through this problem with me, so we can come up with some solutions? Father: 1. Empathy - I know you like to keep our home nice and clean. And having dirty dishes really bothers you. 2. Joining in Partnership - Let’s talk about what to do! End Result: Stepmom feels heard and supported which was what she needed at the time, before better solutions can be created.

13. B. What are Your Parenting Goals? • 1. First, conceptualize and communicate • your parenting goals • Goals vs. methods • They are in training • 2. Then, define your rules

14. 2. Define your rules • a. Have a list of desirable behavior • Know what you want • Encourage & reward • b. Identify & categorize undesirable behavior • Unacceptable • Revisions/Negotiations needed • Unpleasant, but not worth fighting over

15. C. United Front • Clear & concise expectations • D. Who Should be the Disciplinarian? • A parental team with parent at the lead • General rule for stepparents: Relationships come first!

16. E. Healthy Boundaries 1. Between Siblings/stepsiblings 2. Between Stepparent & Stepchildren 3. Between Homes a. Beware of what you convey b. No prying question c. Let go of the unimportant stuff d. Be cordial; if not, be business like

17. Constructive Interaction Between Homes: Stating the Fact - John is nervous about school. Seek commonality - Have you observed the same (no accusations)? Take responsibility to tackle the problem on your end - I’m trying to… Invite input - Do you have any ideas on your end? “I’ve noticed that John gets nervous about going to school lately. Have you noticed that? I’m trying to think of what might be stressful for him right now and wondering if you have any ideas on your end of things?”

18. F. Final Words on Human Needs for Connection -Key to Lasting Partnership! Family FIRO Model Intimacy Control Inclusion