Leading Our Kids to Love God

Leading Our Kids to Love God 2010 Xenos Summer Institute Joe Botti

Leading Our Kids To Love God Why are we interested in this topic?

Leading Our Kids To Love God • A Tough Job “A few decades ago, between 55% & 66% of churched young people claimed the church will play a part in their lives when they leave home. Now only 33% of churched youth say that! This is consistent with what various denominational leaders have confessed to me. Many have estimated that between 69% & 94% of their young people are leaving the traditional church after high school... and very few are returning.” Josh McDowell, The Last Christian Generation

serving God worldly achievement drugs alcohol sexual exploitation apathy

Leading Our Kids To Love God Not an easy task!

Leading Our Kids To Love God “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. -Proverbs 22:6 • Break and bring into submission a wild horse by a rope in the mouth. • Description of a strategy midwives use to help new borns develop a thirst for breast feeding.

Leading Our Kids To Love God • Our Role • Relationship & Influence • Withstanding Cultural Pressure • Age Specific Ideas

Our Role • Raise our kids to fully commit to the Lord • Enjoy a genuine relationship with Christ • Love His word, the Bible • Learn prayer as a lifestyle • Learn to resist damaging sin • Experience God’s power & love through significant service

Our Role • Raise our kids to fully commit to the Lord. • Embrace our role, not abdicate it • And you shall teach them (laws & commands) to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house, when you walk along the road when you lie down and when you rise up.-Deut 11:19

Our Role • Raise our kids to fully commit to the Lord. • Embrace our role “A parent is a partner with God in making disciples of their children.” -Chuck Swindoll, You and Your Child quoted Dr. Henry Brandt, Build a Happy Home with Discipline, pg 2

Our Role • Raise our kids to fully commit to the Lord. • Embrace God’s role! I planted, Apollos watered, but God was causing the growth… For we are God's fellow workers… -Paul 1, Cor3:6, 9 For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. -Paul, Phil 2:13

Our Role • Raise our kids to fully commit to the Lord. • Embrace our role, not abdicate • Gotta live it to give it “Children know if their parents love the Lord, and if they serve Him, and if they obey Him, and if He is important in their lives. There is no substitute for the godly life.” —Dr. J. Vernon McGee's Thru The Bible, Psalm 128

Our Role • Raise our kids to fully commit to the Lord. • Embrace our role, not abdicate • Gotta live it to give it • A study in Xenos • 75% of students from committed Christian parents were still walking with God thru college. • Only 35% of students from uncommitted Christian parents were still walking with God thru college.

Our Role • Raise our kids to fully commit to the Lord. • Embrace our role, not abdicate • Gotta live it to give it • Read Swindoll, pg 44, “You & Your Child” • This creates thirst • Love of God, not legalism

Relationship & Influence • Everything goes better when the relationship is in place! • Relationship creates thirst • “In raising children, everything depends on the love relationship between parent and child. Nothing works well if a child’s love needs are not met.” “Only the child who feels genuinely loved and cared for can do her best.” Chapman & Campbell, The Five Love Languages of Children, pg 17

Relationship & Influence • Everything goes better when the relationship is in place! “Having a disengaged parent (even though he/she may be physically present) is very problematic with regard to early problem behaviors with substance abuse.” Randal Day, PhD., The National Longitudinal Study of Youth, 1997

Relationship & Influence • Everything goes better when the relationship is in place! “Adults whose fathers had been highly involved when they were children were more tolerant and understanding and engaged in more socially responsible behavior than those with less involved fathers.” McClelland, D.C., Constantian, C.A., Regalado, D. & Stone, C., 'Making it to maturity', Psychology Today, 12, 1978, pp. 42-46; Biller, Fathers and Families, 1993.; Biller & Trotter, The Father Factor, 1994; Block, J., Lives Through Time, Berkeley, CA: Bancroft, 1971; Appleton, W.S., Fathers and Daughters, New York: Doubleday, 1981.

Relationship & Influence • In a study published in September 2002, researchers at the University of Minnesota found that teenagers are less likely to start having sex when their mothers are deeply involved in their children's lives and successfully communicate their values on sex with their kids. The study was national and longitudinal, conducting sensitive interviews with several thousand mothers and adolescents separately. Robert Blum, MD, Ph.D., professor and director of the University of Minnesota's Center for Adolescent Health and Development authored the study.

Relationship & Influence • Connectedness proved to be more important to kids than what mothers said. In the study, "connectedness' means, how close teens feel to their mothers, how much they feel mother cares for them and how warm and loving mother is, and how good communication is with their mother. The amount of satisfaction a teen feels toward her relationship with her mom is also crucial. Mothers' Influence on Adolescent Sex - How Being Connected to Your Child Can Promote Abstinence by Louise Hajjar Diamond.

Relationship & Influence • Characteristics of parents who connect Slowing Down • Patient listening • Connect on their love language • One on one time spent • Discipline with vision • They don’t exasperate Influence Creates Thirst

Relationship & Influence • Old ideas losing traction • Family dinners most every night • Fun Family nights • Vacations! • One on one time with each kid Declined by 10% 1981 to 1997 Declined by 28% 1977 to 1997 Overscheduled Kids, Under Connected Families: The Research William J. Doherty, Ph.D. Family Social Science Department University of Minnesota, April 2005

Time & energy Relationship Building Make believe Younger (ages 1 to 8) Nature Camping Building things Animals Crafts Youth Grp Mid Range (ages 9-14) Coaching Camping Reading Music Hobbies Out to eat Out to eat Music Older (ages 15-18) Driving Reading together Movies

Relationship & Influence • Apologize when you are wrong • “There are three seldom-heard phrases that, if spoken genuinely, could breach a growing gap between teens and their parents: ‘I’m sorry.’ ‘I was wrong.’ ‘Please forgive me.’” • “... your show of vulnerability makes you a touchable person. It is almost impossible to feel close to someone who insists on always being right.”Dr. Robert Laurent, “Keeping Your Teen In Touch With God

Relationship & Influence • Don’t overindulge • “Parents often inadvertently confuse love with overindulgence. They don’t want their children to suffer a moment of frustration or be deprived of any desire.” • “Adults with the greatest emotional difficulties were generally over gratified, overprotected, and overindulged as children.” • MariluHenner, “I refuse to raise a brat”

High internal control High independence k High external control High dependence 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

High Freedom High independence High internal control High independence k 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

High Freedom High independence High internal control High independence k “Poverty and shame will come to him who neglects discipline, But he who regards reproof will be honored.” -Proverbs 13:18 “Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you beat him with the rod, he will not die.” -Proverbs 23:13 High external control High dependence 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

Withstanding Cultural Pressure • Resist “accomplishment” frenzy • Old fashion play & relating

Withstanding Cultural Pressure Resist “accomplishment” frenzy Overscheduled Kids, Under Connected Families: The Research byWilliam J. Doherty, Ph.D. Family Social Science Department University of Minnesota, April 2005 Studies conducted between 1981 to 1997

Decline in kids free time 12 hr decline per week for ages 3-12 Increase in structured sports Doubled from 2 hrs, 20 min per week to 5 hrs 17 min per week for ages 3 to 12 Increase in studying by 50% Withstanding Cultural Pressure 3 yr. old: 9 weeks summer camp!

Decline in religious participation 40% decline in hours per week in children's religious participation for kids ages 3-12. 24% decline in high school students. Withstanding Cultural Pressure

Busy Kids

Withstanding Cultural Pressure The OverAchievers: The Secret Lives Of Driven Kids Hothouse Kids: How the Pressure to Succeed Threatens Childhood

A scholarship or entrance to a prestigious college. Goal is material success. Everyone is paying the price. Withstanding Cultural Pressure The Price of Privilege: How parental pressure and material advantage are creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids

Withstanding Cultural Pressure “But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith, and pierced themselves with many a pang.” -Paul, 1 Timothy 6:9-10

Withstanding Cultural Pressure God won first place Spiritual growth was intentional Withstood cultural pressure

Withstanding Cultural Pressure • Resist “accomplishment” frenzy • Barna found two main outcomes sought by most parents. Pg 46 • Honing Skills • Grasping information • Character development ?

Character development! Withstanding Cultural Pressure

Withstanding Cultural Pressure • Resist “accomplishment” frenzy “Every single Revolutionary Parent we interviewed agreed that the most important focus of their children’s training was the development of godly character.” George Barna, Revolutionary Parenting, pg. 46

Gut Check: What do you desire in your kids? State tennis champion or a loyal follower of Jesus Christ? “Straight A” student or an average student who shares his faith? Withstanding Cultural Pressure

Withstanding Cultural Pressure Can’t we have both? “No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money (mammon).” -Jesus Christ, Matthew 6.24

Withstanding Cultural Pressure • Resist “accomplishment” frenzy • Disconnect from the screen “Families moved from living rooms filled with dialogue to family rooms dominated by electronic devices. As a result, conversations became unlikely. Now we have rooms full of machines that pour noise and images into homes and wipe out personal interactions.” • Glenn & Nelsen “Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World” Pgs 6-7

Withstanding Cultural Pressure • Resist “accomplishment” frenzy • Ideas on disconnecting from the screen • Specific screen time hours • Daily allotment of screen time hours • Resist buying video game unit • Use as rewards

“Just to chime in with some of my personal experience with this issue. My son is only 8 years old, but we made a mistake in letting him get a game cube at age 5. I felt conflicted over this for a number of reasons. He became obsessed with it and rarely ever wanted to play with his sister. I noticed him moody, grumpy and angry when asked to transition from the game to another activity. The game system broke several years ago. It was not replaced. As a result, we saw such a change in his overall attitude and behavior. He is imaginative, plays with his sister, climbs trees and does not ask for it anymore. The video games are very influential on some kids, leading to a variety of issues especially shorter attention span, poor relational skills and a short temper. I've seen this at work as well. I am a child art therapist. Many boys have come to counseling who are overly attached to video games and showing the above mentioned behavioral symptoms. I have seen many boys change in their behavior and attitude from one simple change at home: greatly reduced video game time and more 1:1 time with parents”

Withstanding Cultural Pressure Resist “accomplishment “frenzy” Disconnect from the screen Be givers, not takers “You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: It is more blessed to give than to receive.” -Paul: Acts 20:35

Withstanding Cultural Pressure Resist “accomplishment “frenzy” Disconnect from the screen Be givers, not takers Do your children see you live this out in your home? That God & people matter, not things.

Withstanding Cultural Pressure Field Trip To The Dump: “Show them all the piles of “treasures” that were formerly Christmas and birthday presents. Point out things which cost hundreds of dollars, things which children quarreled about, friendships were lost over, honesty was sacrificed for, and marriages broke up over.

Leading Our Kids to Love God