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Human Sexuality

Human Sexuality . Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships. Love. Considerable attention across disciplines What is the nature of love? “Love has been highly conceptualized and made very abstract” (Gage, 1976). What Love is NOT. NOT (Firestone, Firestone & Catlett, 2006): Selfish

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Human Sexuality

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  1. Human Sexuality Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

  2. Love • Considerable attention across disciplines • What is the nature of love? • “Love has been highly conceptualized and made very abstract” (Gage, 1976)

  3. What Love is NOT • NOT (Firestone, Firestone & Catlett, 2006): • Selfish • Possessive • Demanding • Proprietary right over others • Submissive/dominant • Coercive or manipulative

  4. Sexuality and Love • Not addressed in Kinsey’s research • Currently: • Numerous studies on love and sex

  5. Love • A complex emotion • The “paradox” of love: encompasses opposites

  6. Love and Sexuality • Often intertwined • For many, love legitimates sex outside of marriage • Sex as an expression of love; to deepen the relationship (Cupach, 1990; Henderson-King, 1994)

  7. Gender Differences:Sex and Love • Men: sex and love can be separated (Carroll, Volk, & Hyde, 1985) • Women: less likely to engage in casual sex: love and sex are more closely linked

  8. Sex and Love • Gay men: • Especially likely to separate sex and love • Intrinsic value to sex • Heterosexual men: similar? • Not as many willing partners (Blum, 1997)

  9. Sex and Love • Lesbian relationships: • Sex is less frequent among lesbian couples, comparatively (Schureurs, 1993) • More likely to postpone sex until emotional intimacy is developed

  10. Celibacy • Abstaining from sexual activity • Religious/spiritual dimensions, situational, personal, etc. • Enhanced appreciation of friendship functions of relationships

  11. Asexuality • Absence of sexual attraction to others, or no desire to act on attractions • 1% of the population • Underrepresented in research and movements • Capable of intimate relationships, free of sexuality; some prefer not to have relationships

  12. Asexuality • An orientation • Research: asexuality exists in the animal kingdom; sheep studies • The question of pathology

  13. Asexuality • Prause, 2003 • Asexual people report: • Low sexual desire • Low arousal/excitation • Many engage in masturbation

  14. Styles of Love • John Lee- sociologist • 6 basic styles of love: reflect relationship styles • Assumption: It is best when we share a relationship style with our partner

  15. Styles of Love • Mania: obsessive/possessive love; roller-coaster • Ludus: playful love: love is a game, not a deep emotion

  16. Styles of Love • Storge: love between companions: from friendship to romance • Agape: chaste, patient, undemanding love; the love of saints/martyrs

  17. Styles of Love • Pragma: practical/logical love; businesslike; looking for someone with specific characteristics • Hendrick & Hendrick: men are more ludic, women are more storgic/pragmatic

  18. Triangular Theory of Love • Robert Sternberg: 3 elements of love • Each will increase/diminish over the course of a relationship • Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment

  19. Kinds of Love: Sternberg • Liking (intimacy only) • Infatuation (passion only) • Romantic love (intimacy and passion)

  20. Kinds of Love • Companionate love (intimacy and commitment) • Empty love (commitment only) • Non love (absence of all three)

  21. Attachment Theory (Pistole, Clark & Tubbs, 1995) • Adults with: • Secure attachments: trusting, accepting, supportive; 56% of adults

  22. Attachment Theory • Anxious/Ambivalent attachments: afraid their partners would leave, want to commit prematurely; 19-20% of adults • Avoidant attachments: discomfort in close relationships; distrustful, fear dependence; 23-25% of adults

  23. Jealousy • Often confused with love • Jealousy is associated with immaturity and insecurity (Pistole, 1995) • Is jealousy ever beneficial?

  24. Jealousy • Often linked to relationship violence (Buss, 1999; Puente & Cohen, 2003) • Jealous aggression is often directed toward a partner (Paul & Galloway, 1994) • 31% of women and 17% of men had intentionally elicited jealousy in a relationship (Buss, 2000)

  25. Jealousy • Why do we become/want to make others jealous (Buss, 2000)? • Self esteem • Revenge • To increase a partner’s commitment • Test the strength of the relationship

  26. Jealousy • Generated by: • Personal insecurities/anxieties • Boundary violations in an relationship

  27. Lasting love • Intimate love: lasting love; counting on the other partner; both partners have individual and relationship goals • Consists of: • Commitment • Caring • Self-disclosure

  28. Communication • Active Listening: • Open postures/leaning in • Eye contact • Nodding • Reflection of content • Reflection of feelings

  29. Factors impacting communication • Personality • Relationship context • Culture • Subject matter

  30. Non-verbal communication • Most communication of feeling is nonverbal (Guffey, 1999) • Body posture and movements

  31. Nonverbal Communication • Eye contact and facial expressions • Interpersonal distance • Touching • Often overrides the verbal message

  32. Gender and Communication • Women- • More sensitive/responsive during conversation and conflicts • Set the emotional tone- escalate or deescalate conflicts with verbal and nonverbal messages • Use of emotional appeals and threats • Use of qualifying statements • (Gottman & Carre, 2000; Klintetob & Smith, 1996, Noller & Fitzpatrick, 1991)

  33. Gender and Communication • Men- • more likely to send negative messages, neutral messages, or to withdraw • Fewer words, more profanity

  34. Deborah Tannen • Gendered Communication:

  35. Deborah Tannen • Basic Premise: • There are gender differences in communication styles • These differences start in early childhood

  36. Boys/Girls • Boys: play in groups; activity-driven • Girls: best friends; relationship-driven

  37. Status and Connection • Men: power hierarchies: discourse is used to “one-up” or “one-down” each other • Women: collaborative: discourse to bring people closer or farther apart

  38. Meta-message • Meta-message: what messages do we take away from what we hear?

  39. Competitive/Cooperative • Both men/women are competitive and cooperative, but conversational rituals differ

  40. “I’m Sorry”… • Women are more likely to use this phrase • Sorry it happened, not taking blame • Men- more likely to ascribe blame when “sorry” is uttered

  41. Directness/Indirectness • Varies by gender based on context: • Women indirect when giving orders • Men indirect when describing emotional content

  42. Public/Private Discourse • Women: likely to try to engage men in private discourses • Men: more likely to dominate conversation publicly

  43. Qualifying Statements…. • Based on CONTEXT • Gender is one of many factors; • Ethnicity/culture • Age • Situation/context • Power

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