Mentoring Skills (Kennedy & Charles, 2001)

1. Mentoring Skills(Kennedy & Charles, 2001) Mary Gordon NEPS

2. Helpers “help by simply being human with the troubled others, by marshalling their own resources of the spirit and …their common sense …It is also important for helpers to listen to themselves … to manage the stress that arises from dealing with the stress of others. Helpers must monitor and identify their own reactions … Helping yourself goes apace with helping others.”

3. Content of presentation • What a helper can do • Helping through emotional involvement • Listening to the learner • Listening to the learner by listening to yourself • Helping styles • Being human, being imperfect

4. What a helper can do • Use your common sense Remain practical • Maintain your own identity You are a teacher not a counsellor • Stay out of their unconscious Focus on their current life situation • Support rather than uncover Do not try to dig beneath the surface • Strengthen their best defences Identify and bolster their psychological resources

5. Some supportive tactics • Ventilation – inviting them to tell their story • Exploration – encouraging them to describe their problems • Clarification – catching the feelings beneath what they are saying • Reassurance – helping them feel they are on the right track • Empathy – understanding what they are feeling • Practicality – identifying what helps them

6. Helping through emotional involvement • We help by making an emotional connection with them • We must touch at some level or we cannot make any difference • But we must learn to manage our emotional involvement if we are help the other and not to damage ourselves

7. The helping relationship • To be in a relationship demands that we give up our own thoughts and interests for a while so that we may give our complete attention to the other person • We recognise that whatever stirs in that shared life-space – whatever feelings others express toward us and whatever we experience in feelings towards them – is never just accidental or incidental • What occurs between ourselves and others provides us with codes to understand what is going on

8. Transference and countertransference • Transference refers to the feelings the person seems to have toward their helper. They belong to previous, significant persons in their lives (such as parents) and get transferred to us. They may be either positive or negative in tone. • Countertransference refers to the feelings (again, positive or negative) that we have toward those we are assisting, which grow from our own past history and needs

9. Being aware of our own reactions • We need • to be able to recognise transference and countertransference • to understand our own reactions so we can deal with them • to distinguish between our feelings and their feelings • We learn • to be separate • to allow them to be separate from us • We believe • in ourselves • in our ability to be close and helpful without being overwhelmed

10. Listening to the person • Listen to the person • It’s the person who suffers, not the problem • Don’t try to do good • Don’t try to do well

11. Listen to the person • They want to tell you about themselves and what is bothering them • They will give you hints • They will correct you • But they will give up if you won’t hear them

12. Forget about problems • Focus on the person • It is not our job to solve the problem • The problem can only be understood in the context of the person anyway • The less you feel that it is your responsibility to solve their problem the more freely you can help them to find solutions for themselves

13. Don’t try to do good • Do-gooders are people who act on others in response to their own needs • The good can only ever be a by-product of our interest in and understanding of the other person • We can never know what is best for another • Wanting to do good may be a sign that we should examine our own emotional needs

14. Don’t try to do well • The urge to do well treats the other simply as an opportunity for our own achievement • It indicates an excessive focus on our performance rather than on the relationship

15. Listening to the other person by listening to yourself • People communicate through means other than words • Helpers can use how they are feeling as information about how the other is feeling • Helpers who listen to the other through their own reactions feel more competent and perform more effectively • The problem of emotional involvement is not solved by placing an embargo on our feelings but by becoming more aware of them

16. The problem of emotional involvement is not solved by placing an embargo on our feelings but by becoming more aware of them so that we can better understand what is happening to us – and between us and the other person – during mentoring.

17. Helping styles • The analyser • The neutraliser • The doer • Working for others or working with others?

18. Being human, being imperfect • The more we perceive and accept ourselves as imperfect persons the more we can let go of falseness and self-consciousness • We can sometimes be very harsh on ourselves out of motives that are a mixture of fearfulness and a need never to be found wanting • Healthy professionals consult supervisors not to punish themselves for their imperfections but to understand and eliminate them for the future

19. Questions to ask ourselves • Do we want others to like us? • Do we judge others? • Do we ask too many questions? • Do we rush to interpret? • Do we like to reassure people? • Do we try to be understanding?

20. Things we need to realise • Every therapist, helper and mentor is limited • Nobody can succeed all the time • If we cannot accept limitations and defeats, we are in the wrong work • We need to be helpers to ourselves • There will be people we won’t be able to help