Hope you had a nice long weekend!

1. Please take out your notebook and copy down the learning target. Take out your writing assignment, please! Hope you had a nice long weekend! Learning Target: Improve writing piece with targeted revisions “It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.” ~Jack Kerouac 12 Nov. 2013

2. Agenda 11/12/13 • Targeted Writing Revisions “Fun Activity”! Homework: Update your writing piece from today with all your good new revision strategies! Bring in old and new copies Friday (by the end of the day)!

3. #1: Cut the clutter! • Eliminate redundancy • Delete weak phrases • Remove unnecessary who, which, and that clauses

4. Eliminate redundancy • When not used as a stylistic device, redundancy weakens your writing. • Trim whatever you can to keep the meaning, but to say it more directly. Examples: Before: “An expert opinion from the person with the experience of the study stated that the impressive results were really impactful.” After: “The expert in charge of the study stated that the results were impressive.”

5. Apply it! • Highlight any sentences that you think you could take a second look at in order to eliminate redundancy. • Rewrite ONE of those sentences now and be prepared to share!

6. Delete Weak Phrases • While these “filler” phrases may be useful in speech, they’re useless in your writing. • Two types of weak phrases: • Roundabout openings • Excessive prepositional phrases

7. Roundabout Openings • In speaking, we can “warm up” to the main idea by adding filler words. In writing, it can weaken the point you’re trying to make. • Examples:

8. Revision Examples

9. Apply it! • Check the beginning of your sentences- highlight anytime you started with “It”, “There”, “What”, “How”, or “Well”. • When logical, eliminate those intro phrases and rewrite it to get right to your point.

10. Excessive Prepositional Phrases • Prepositions: words that show relationships between nouns (like in, around, near, of, at, on, etc.) • Prepositional phrases: strings of words that start with prepositions. • Prepositional phrases clutter sentences and make it more difficult to see your main ideas.

11. Examples

12. Apply it! • Highlight any prepositional phrases in your writing. • Remember “at”, “in”, and “of” are the most common offenders! • Fix ONE sentence and be prepared to share! • Some solutions: • Eliminate and substitute one strong verb (“intensify”) or change to include the possessive form (“neighbor’s reassurance)

13. Eliminate Unnecessary Clauses • Often “who,” “which”, and “that” clauses can be eliminated without a change in meaning. • A clause is a group of words with a subject and a predicate • Examples:

14. Apply it! • Highlight all of your “who”, “which” and “that” clauses • Choose ONE to rewrite and share with the class!

15. #2 Make Sentences Emphatic! • Really make those sentences have some impact! (without resorting to cheesy use of exclamation points!! Seriously…eliminate 99.9% of your ! marks) • Place key points at the beginning or end • Use fragments (really!)

16. Place key points at the beginning or end • A sentence’s opening and ending are key showcase spots, and depending what you want to emphasize, you are shifting the main focus of your sentence.

17. Example of the beginning emphasis • “The potentially life-saving drug, developed by junior researchers at the medical school, will be available next month.” • “Developed by junior researchers at the medical school, the potentially life-saving drug will be available next month.”

18. Apply it! • Skim through your paper and underline any sentence you think would benefit from re-ordering to prioritize your ideas.

19. Use fragments (really!) • Usually these are a no-go, but there are times when they can really add voice to your writing. • But beware- overuse can make them lose their effect! • Example: • “One of my aunt’s eccentric beliefs is that a homemade gift is always better than one purchased at a store. Home-brewed perfume that smells like ham. Crocheted soap necklaces. Dolls with real human hair. Frankly, I’ve wished many a time for a generic card and a $20 bill.”

20. Apply it! • Skim through your writing- any spot where you could condense a longer section into a series of fragments, or any spot where you really want to emphasis an idea by re-writing it as a fragment?

21. Phew…that was a lot of work! • Which technique was most interesting or helpful to you?