Divorce and Remarriage

1. Divorce and Remarriage Kim Allen, PhD

2. Top reasons for divorce • Poor communication • Financial problems • A lack of commitment to the marriage • A dramatic change in priorities • Infidelity

3. Other Reasons? • Failed expectations or unmet needs • Addictions and substance abuse • Physical, sexual or emotional abuse • Lack of conflict resolution skills

4. Types of Divorce • The legal divorce — • The emotional divorce — • The economic divorce — • The co-parental divorce — • The community divorce — • Published aul Bohannan (1970),

5. Helping ChildrenUnderstand Divorce • Set aside time to meet as a family • Plan ahead of time what to tell children • Stay calm • Plan to meet again

6. Avoid Putting Children in the Middle • 1. Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children. • 2. Avoid arguing in front of the children—discuss co-parenting issues when children are not present. • 3. Plan how pick-up & drop-off will take place and follow the plan, but be willing to change the plan if needed. • 4. Reassure children that conflict and divorce are not their fault.

7. Money Matters • 1. Avoid using the child as a messenger—discuss parenting and financial issues directly. • 2. Have a plan for dealing with the child’s unexpected expenses. • 3. Avoid discussing child support issues with children. • 4. Update the parenting plan as children’s needs change.

8. Parenting Time • 1. You will not be replaced if you stay involved in your child’s life. • 2. Avoid asking questions that make children feel like spies. • 3. Avoid using parenting time as leverage or a way to try to control the other parent. • 4. Consider what role potential new partners should have in the lives of your children before bringing a new partner into the child’s life.

9. Transitions Between Households • 1. Make time for yourself when children are with the other parent. • 2. Transitioning between households is stressful for children. A routine with built-in “down time” helps. • 3. Differences between households are to be expected. It is impossible to control what happens in the other parent’s household. • 4. Children need to feel loved and have consistent routines and responsibilities in each household.

10. Behaviors that help conflict resolution: • Clear, non defensive communication • Use "I" statements • Patient listening • Plan what you are going to say next • Understanding and mutual respect • Stay Calm

11. Information for blended families • Many stepfamilies are born of loss (divorce, death, separation). Stepfamily members may be dealing with unresolved grief. Children grieve the loss of their first family, even if there were a lot of problems. •  Stepfamilies are not always formed after a death or divorce. Some stepfamilies are formed when a never-married parent marries a new partner who is not the biological parent of the child.

12. Each family is coming to the stepfamily with its own history, routines, and traditions. •  Children are often members of two households • It generally takes 4-7 years for a stepfamily to stabilize. • Children are especially likely to experience loyalty conflicts when a parent is not supportive of the child's relationship with the stepparent or vice versa

13. Stepparent-stepchild relationships go more smoothly when the stepparent acts as a friend, rather than a parent toward the stepchild in the beginning and supports the biological parent. • Family transitions are difficult for both younger and older children • Stepparents do not automatically have legal rights to authorize medical care or have access to school records, among other rights

14. Resources: • All materials for this Power Point came from the University of Missouri Extension Publications, including: • GH6600, Helping Children Understand Divorce • GH6602, Dealing With Divorce: A Guide to Coping Activities for Children