Applying Marital Research to Help Stabilize Recovering Couples

1. Applying Marital Research to Help Stabilize Recovering Couples Helping the marriage when the focus is recovery

2. Your Presenters • Tom Hofmann PhD, LCSW, CPP • Chair of Applied Psychology Program, Hodges University • Julia Corbett, LCSW, CEAP • Director, Southwest Florida Employee Assistance Programs Please turn off anything that makes noises!

3. Normal Marital Stressors • There are normal stress points in any marriage, most notably: • A new baby and children in general • Exhaustion from work, stress from the economy • Health problems • Balancing housework and finance styles • The ebb and flow of romance, and sexual interest

4. Recovering Couples • Add the stress of new sobriety, managing relapse triggers, huge systemic changes without the drug(s) to mediate intimacy, and the normal human tendency to prefer systems to stay the same. • Our experience is that marital researchers have made significant contributions to our knowledge about couples in general that can be applied to these couples.

5. Beliefs • Many feel that the first stage of recovery, in the first 6 months to a year, the marriage should be put “on hold” while recovery is strengthened. • This workshop will take the position that in most circumstances, one should first assist a couple to look at alternatives to try to preserve a marriage before counseling about how to split.

6. The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what others think, or say, or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break an organization, a school, a home. We cannot change our past...We cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it and so it is with you... CHUCK SWINDOLL

7. Hope • In addition to commitment, some level of hope for the future of the marriage must be present. • One can rate the level of hope as Lost, Ambivalent/Low, or Solid. Ambivalence itself can created difficult conflict (Wampler & Ward, 2009). • Often, newly recovering marriages have ambivalence which increases conflict, so any simple chance to move the relationship onto more solid ground might reduce stress.

8. I’d do anything for love…… but I won’t do that! • The higher level the of commitment, the more willingness there is to sacrifice personal needs and goals • Recovery destabilizes the old marital system of meeting needs and goals (including secondary gain) (Mattingly & Clark, 2010). • It is therefore important to meet new needs or the old needs in a new way to re-stabilize the marital system, even early in recovery.

9. The research • John Gottman contends that based on his research, eventual continued marriage or divorce can be predicted to 90% accuracy. • The research findings are simple, • easy for couples to understand, • effective, • can be incorporated into early recovery work and, • work hand in hand with recovery concepts.

10. The basics • Finding 1: Happy couples normally show respect, affection and empathy. Gottman found happy couples made five positive remarks for every negative one. Couples headed for divorce made .08 positive remarks for every negative one. • Finding 2: Happy couples handle conflict in gentle, positive ways. These couples knew when an argument was about to get hurtful and soothed the building emotion.

11. The Four Horsemen The problems: • Criticism • Defensiveness • Contempt • Stonewalling The antidotes: • Softened start-up (Easy does it) • Reaching out (Dropping the attitude) • Repairing the conversation in the moment (think, think, think) • Learning to accept influence

12. Small is a big deal • “Small positive behaviors, frequently repeated, can make a big difference in the long term success of a marriage.” (Gottman, Gottman & DeClare, 2006). (KISS) • While the first year of sobriety may not be the best time for intensive marital counseling. Simple, direct and easy to understand behaviors can be taught that will not interfere with recovery, and will position the marriage for success will be more effective.

13. The rationale • Most couples do not want the misery of deadlocked attitudes, whether overt or subtle. One can ask : “Do you want to continue to feel like this?” • Let go and let God: Relapse prevention depends on “getting over” a rapidly hardening negative attitude. This also works for marital stability. Someone has to “get off it” and practice a positive behavior (softening, compliment, apology). The longer a negative marital attitude persists, the more destructive it is.

14. Rightness • Most individuals are stuck in being “right”. • A negative attitude is developed and maintained to employ a negative atmosphere. When asked, most will admit it is to “change” the other. If things are miserable enough, the other will change. • On reflection, most couples admit on thinking back that this has not worked, and indeed, has backfired.

15. New Behavior • This provides the rationale for new behavior. • When the couple is skeptical, such as being asked to be courteous to each other, use “act as if”. • When a couple expresses skepticism that they can catch a fight and soften, coach them to catch it sooner and sooner. • When they start to project future problems, use ‘one day at a time’. Today’s positive compliments • Express gratitude daily – for recovery and each other.

16. Bibliography • Bradbury, T. (1994 June). Unintended Effects of Marital Research on Marital Relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 8(2), 187. • Bradbury, T., & Karney, B. (2004). Understanding and Altering the Longitudinal Course of Marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 875. • Carrere, S., Buehlman, K., Gottman, J., Coan, J., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting Marital Stability and Divorce in Newlywed Couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 14. • Clark, Eddie M., & Mattingly, Brent A. (2010). The role of activity importance and commitment on willingness to sacrifice. North American Journal of Psychology, 12(1), p. 51-66. • Clements, M., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. (2004). Before They Said "I Do": Discriminating Among Marital Outcomes Over 13 Years. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 66(3), 613. Retrieved from Proquest on 01/23/2006. • Cohan, C., & Kleinbaum, S. (2002 Feb.). Toward a Greater Understanding of the Cohabitation Effect: Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Communication. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 64(1), 180. • Gottman, J. M. (1996). What Predicts Divorce? Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

17. Bibliography Page 2 • Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(1), . • Halford, W. K., Markman, H., Kline, G., & Stanley, S. (2003). Best Practice in Couple Relationship Education. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 29(3), 385. • Heyman, R., & Smith Slep, A. (2001). The Hazards of Predicting Without Cross Validation. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(2), 473. Karney, B., & Bradbury, T. (1997 May). Neuroticism, Marital Interaction, and the Trajectory of Marital Satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(5), 1075. • Matthews, L., Wickrama, K., & Conger, R. D. (1996). Predicting Marital Instability from Spouse and Observer Reports of Marital Interaction. Journal of Marriage and Family, 58(3), 22. • Roberts, L. (2000 August). Fire and Ice in Marital Communication: Hostile and Distancing Behaviors as Predictors of Marital Distress. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(3), 693.

18. Bibliography Page 3 • Stanley, S., & Markman, H. (1997). Prevention Factors. Retrieved from http://www.smartmarriages.com/hope.html on 01/23/2006. • Stanley, S., Bradbury, T., & Markman, H. (2000). Structural Flaws in the Bridge from Basic Research on Marriage to Interventions for Couples/ Reply to "From Basic Research to Interventions". Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 62(1), 256. Retrieved from ProQuest on 1/26/2006. • Wampler, Karen S., & Ward, David B. (2009) Moving up the continuum of hope: Developing a theory of hope and understanding its influence in couples therapy. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy. 36(2), p. 212-228