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Closer than Ever Facilitating Attachment in Recovering Couples

Closer than Ever Facilitating Attachment in Recovering Couples. Attachment System. Feedback Control led Appraises: Near ? Available ? Care? Regulates: Monitor, Pursue, Protest Survival Imperative Cognition Narrows Behavior Compelled.

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Closer than Ever Facilitating Attachment in Recovering Couples

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  1. Closer than Ever Facilitating Attachment in Recovering Couples

  2. Attachment System Feedback Controlled Appraises: Near? Available? Care? Regulates: Monitor, Pursue, Protest Survival Imperative Cognition Narrows Behavior Compelled

  3. “Empathy is the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another person.” --Heinz Kohut

  4. Modeling Empathy • Go toward her emotion--“What was/is that like for you?” • Attune to symbolic language & body response

  5. Empathy Training • Mostly Nonverbal • Eye Contact • Touch • Heart-Focused

  6. Empathy is “any process where the attended perception of the object's state generates a state in the subject that is more applicable to the object's state or situation than to the subject's own prior state or situation.” --Martin Hoffman

  7. Common reactions to her trauma… • Apologize: “So sorry I hurt you” • Promise: “I will never do that again” • Defend: “It’s not a big problem for me” • Explain: “This wasn't personal to you” • Assure: “I’m doing really well now” • Self-Punish: “Maybe you should just leave” • Exasperation: “Will you ever get over it?”

  8. Empathy Homework • Check in “most days” • “How was today? Want to talk about it?” • She initiates when fear or hurt surges

  9. Discussion Topics Impact on sexuality? Spirituality? Feelings about God? Our communication? Feel trapped? What’s most painful of all? What need most now? What do I do that hurts? What do I do that helps? What can I do to help? • What was it like for you when_______? • Fear? Specific fears? • Feelings of helplessness? • Feelings about men? • Reminders: • Media? • People? • What’s it like when we’re apart? • Together in public? From Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity

  10. “Mind in the Eyes” Test • http://glennrowe.net/baroncohen/faces/eyestest.aspx

  11. Client Report • "I see how much I hurt Her. You can't imagine the destruction. Almost like I killed someone. As much as you can hurt someone without going to jail. I can't go back and do it over, but I cannever do those things again. That's easy compared to the alternative.”

  12. Client Report (cont.) • "There's a switch inside of me that has flipped. I went on trip for work, exactly the situation that would have put our relationship ‘out of sight, out of mind’ before. I found myself responding to women the way I would have if she were with me. I didn't have to try, it’s what’s in me now."

  13. Raising Our Monogamy Quotient • IF oxytocin fosters monogamy… • AND certain behaviors raise oxytocin… • THEN encourage those behaviors!

  14. “Dosing Up” on Oxytocin • Hug, Hold • Touch, Caress • Eye Gazing • Encouraging Words • Soothing Vocal Tones

  15. Client Report • “I feel bonded to her and more of a belonging to her. The idea of getting involved with someone else doesn’t have the same pull. There’s a comfort and inertia to stay where I am. It seems like a lot of unnecessary work to go outside the relationship.”

  16. Empathy References • Individuals with higher dopamine levels show less empathy. Previc F (2009). The Dopaminergic Mind in Human Evolution and History Cambridge University Press. • Empathy via eye contact. Harrison NA, Singer T, Rotshtein P, Dolan RJ, Critchley HD. (2006). Pupillary contagion: central mechanisms engaged in sadness processing. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 1(1):5-17. Harrison NA, Wilson CE, Critchley HD. (2007). Processing of observed pupil size modulates perception of sadness and predicts empathy. Emotion. 7(4):724-9.

  17. Pair Bonding References • Grewen, K. M., Girdler, S. S., Amico, J. & Light, K. C. (2005). Effects of partner support on resting oxytocin, cortisol, norepinephrine, and blood pressure before and after warm partner contact. Psychosomatic Medicine, 67(4), 531-538. • Light K. C., Grewen, K. M. & Amico, J. A. (2005). More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women. Biological Psychology, 69(1), 5-21. Epub 2004 Dec 29. • Proc Biol Sci. 2010 Sep 7;277(1694):2661-6. Epub 2010 May 12. Social vocalizations can release oxytocin in humans. Seltzer LJ, Ziegler TE, Pollak SD.

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