Revision for Detail

1. Revision for Detail You are to take the rough draft of your paper and revise it for detail by using nouns, verbs, participles, absolutes, adjectives, appositives, and prepositional phrases. This presentation will take you through a model. Image Grammar: Teaching Grammar as Part of the Writing Process Harry Noden

2. Original Draft A creature went quietly through the weeds. Near the edge of a place, it saw a small animal. The creature went closer. A large animal saw the creature and made a loud noise. The creature went back into the grass and waited. But the chance to get the animal never came.

3. Add Specific Nouns A lioness went quietly through the savanna. Near the edge of a waterhole, it saw a small baby elephant. The lioness went closer. A large elephantsaw the lionessand made a loud roar. The lionesswent back into the savannaand waited, but the opportunityto get the babyelephantnever came.

4. Add Specific Verbs A lioness creptquietly through the savanna. Near the edge of a waterhole, it spotteda small babyelephant. The lionesscrawledcloser. A large elephantdiscoveredthe lionessand eruptedin a loud roar. The lioness retreatedback into the savannaand waited, but the opportunity to killthe baby elephant never arrived.

5. Add Participles Searching for food, a lioness creptquietly through the savanna. Near the edge of a waterhole, it spotteda small babyelephant. The lionesscrawledcloser. A large elephantdiscoveredthe lionessand eruptedin a loud roar. The lioness retreatedback into the savannaand waited, but the opportunity to killthe baby elephant never arrived.

6. Add Absolutes Searching for food, a lioness creptquietly through the savanna. Near the edge of a waterhole, it spotteda small babyelephant. The lionesscrawledcloser, teeth grinding in anticipation, body slinking close to the ground. A large elephantdiscoveredthe lionessand eruptedin a loud roar. The lioness retreatedback into the savannaand waited, but the opportunity to killthe baby elephant never arrived.

7. Add Adjectives Searching for food, a lioness creptquietly through the savanna. Near the edge of a waterhole, it spotteda sickly babyelephant, frightened and lost. The hungry lionesscrawledcloser, teeth grinding in anticipation, body slinking close to the ground. An enormous bullelephantdiscoveredthe lionessand eruptedin a deafeningroar. The startled lioness retreatedback into the savannaand waited, but the opportunity to killthe baby elephant never arrived.

8. Add Appositive Searching for food, a lioness creptquietly through the savanna, a rolling grassland scattered with trees and shrubs. Near the edge of a waterhole, it spotteda sickly babyelephant, frightened and lost. The hungry lionesscrawledcloser, teeth grinding in anticipation, body slinking close to the ground. An enormous bull elephantdiscoveredthe lionessand eruptedin a deafeningroared. The startled lioness retreatedback into the savannaand waited, but the opportunity to killthe baby elephant never arrived.

9. Add Prepositional Phrase Searching for food, a lioness creptquietly through the savanna, a rolling grassland scattered with trees and shrubs. Near the edge of a waterhole, it spotteda sickly babyelephant, frightened and lost. The hungry lionesscrawledcloser, teeth grinding in anticipation, body slinking close to the ground. An enormous bull elephantdiscoveredthe lionessand eruptedin a deafeningroar. The startled lioness retreatedback into the savannaand waited for darkness to fall, but the opportunity to killthe baby elephant never arrived.

10. Comparison Final: Searching for food, a lioness creptquietly through the savanna, a rolling grassland scattered with trees and shrubs. Near the edge of a waterhole, it spotteda sickly babyelephant, frightened and lost. The hungry lionesscrawledcloser, teeth grinding in anticipation, body slinking close to the ground. An enormous bull elephantdiscoveredthe lionessand eruptedin a deafeningroar. The startled lioness retreatedback into the savannaand waited for darkness to fall, but the opportunity to killthe baby elephant never arrived. Original: A creature went quietly through the weeds. Near the edge of a place, it saw a small animal. The creature went closer. A large animal saw the creature and made a loud noise. The creature went back into the grass and waited. But the chance to get the animal never came.