How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

1. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New York: Harper Collins.

2. Help Them Deal With Their Feelings • Accept their feelings. • Listen with full attention. • Acknowledge their feelings with a word – “Oh,” “Mmm” or “I see.” • Non-judgmental listening • Give their feelings a name. • “I can see you’re frustrated.” • Give them their wishes in fantasy. • “I can tell that you didn’t like the movie. I’ll bet you wish you had seen ‘Wall-E’ instead.”

3. When you give a feeling a name, also be specific. • To show empathy – that you understand. • Don’t say, “I understand…” because you probably don’t. • Respond with “The movie was a little scary in the part where the transformer was blown up.”

4. Don’t repeat exact words back, rephrase. • Don’t repeat the names they call themselves. • No: “You’re not so dumb because it took you three hours to do your homework.” • Yes: “It must be discouraging when work takes longer than you expect.”

5. To Engage a Child’s Cooperation • Describe what you see, or describe the problem. • “There’s a wet towel on the bed.” • Give information. • “The towel is getting my blanket wet.” • Say it with a word. • “The towel!” • Describe what you feel. • ‘I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed.” • Write a note. • “Please put me back so I can dry.”

6. Instead of Punishment • Express your feelings strongly—without attacking character. • “I” statements, not “you” statements. • “I’m furious my tools were left out all night!” • State your expectations. • “I expect my tools to be put back after they’re borrowed.” • Show how to make amends. • “What these tools need now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”

7. Give the child a choice (consequences). • “You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. Your choice.” • Take action to follow through on consequences. • Child: “Why is the tool box locked.” • Father: “You tell me why.” • Problem solve. • “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?”

8. To Encourage Autonomy • Let children make choices. • “Are you in the mood for your grey pants today, or your red pants.” • Show respect for a child’s struggle. • “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon.” • Don’t ask too many questions. • “Glad to see you. Welcome home.”

9. Don’t rush to answer questions. • “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?” • Encourage children to use sources outside the home. • “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.” • Don’t take away hope. • “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”

10. Praise and Self-Esteem • Describe what you see. • “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books lined up on the shelf.” • Specificity is important to give useful feedback and to show that you are not brushing them off and that you thought about it. • Describe what you feel. • “It’s a pleasure to walk into this room!”

11. Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word. • “You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organization!” • Give the praiseworthy behavior a name. • Don’t overdo praise or be too enthusiastic. • You must be honest and authentic so you don’t interfere with a child’s desire for accomplishment.

12. Don’t use “I” statements, such as, “I’m so proud of you.” • Use “you” statements such as “What an achievement. You must be so proud of yourself!” • Point out what they do right. • Don’t point out mistakes, it will keep them from trying. • Reward with praise and recognition.

13. Positive Labels and Roles • Children live up to expectations (self-fulfilling prophecy). • To the roles we put them in • “Get me my glasses” – servant. • “Mary, you’re being bossy again” – bossy. • Overheard: “My oldest is a problem child.” – a problem. • Use positive labels and roles.

14. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of herself. • “You’ve had that toy since you were three and it almost looks like new.” – careful and responsible. • Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently. • “Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and tighten the pulls on these drawers?’

15. Model the behavior you’d like to see. • “It’s hard to lose, but I’ll try to be a sport about. Congratulations on beating me.” • Be a storehouse of your child’s special moments when they did something good. • “I remember the time you…” – reinforcing. • When a child acts according to the old label, state your feelings and/or your expectations. • “I don’t like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you!”

16. Remember • Parents, managers, and leaders are role models. • Children and employees will model your behavior. • How you act, they will act. • How you treat them is how they will treat others.