ADHD-friendly Parent Coaching

ADHD-friendly Parent Coaching Empowering Parents to Help their Children Behave, Feel and Function at their Best Kathleen G. Nadeau, Ph.D.

Part 1 – Parent Coaching for Younger Children

Why parent coaching for ADHD? • Medication is NOT a magic bullet that solves all problems. • Weekly child therapy not as effective in building better habits. • Informed parents, trained in understanding their child’s needs and trained in proven parenting strategies are the most powerful change agents. • Parent coaching strategies are also effective in the classroom setting.

How our model developed…. • We combed the parent training literature for clear research-based evidence of effective parenting approaches. • We found clear commonalities among these approaches and focused on these. • We modified parenting approaches to be more ADHD-friendly – for both parents and children. • We added an emphasis upon making the child’s environment more ADHD-friendly.

Quick Overview • Building a C.LO.S.E. relationship with your child • Empowering parents (Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others) • Empowering your child –Create an environment that builds confidence • Setting the Stage for Success – Kids that feel well tend to do well. • Choices, collaboration, consequences –tools for kids to feel and behave better

Developing a C.LO.S.E Relationship with your Child • Calm and consistent parenting • Look for good behavior to emphasize • Special time every day • Empathize with your child – especially when things are going wrong

Calm parenting • You’ve got to be kidding! I’m not naturally calm, and especially not when my child is challenging • Nobody is listening when you and your child are yelling. • Ways to increase your sense of calm • Time off for Mom • Get away from the conflict • Stay away from the Upset Zone • Pick your battles – don’t sweat the small stuff • Get treatment for your own ADHD

Why stay calm? • If you freak out, it will all go downhill. • If you freak out, you are teaching your kids to freak out when the going gets tough. • If you freak out, it sends a message, “My parents can’t handle me.” • Our moods affect their moods. • FEEL calm versus ACT calm.

LOok for good behavior! • Praise effort • Praise improvement • Praise behaviors that you want to reinforce • Make praise specific and realistic • Instead of “what a great kid!” tell your child exactly what they did that you like – “I’m proud of you for not getting in a fight when you were frustrated.” “Good for you for finishing your homework without complaining!”

Special Time Every Day • Research shows that even 5 minutes, if consistent, makes a big difference • Special time is NOT a reward that is lost due to bad behavior – think of it as “medicine” to treat relationship • Special time is time to show PRIDE • Praise • Reflection • Imitation • Description • Enjoyment Notice your child; Show interest without judgment or criticism Engage in an activity with no “score” or “winner” – avoid activities that have potential to make your child feel bad Doesn’t need to involve an organized activity - can just be sitting beside your child while she continues in an activity of her choice

Empathy • I know it’s hard for you. • I’m sorry…. • Oh my…. • No implied criticism in empathic remark – such as “I’m sorry, maybe you’ll think about it next time.” • I know…..

Empathy: Parental challenges • Parents worry that it means leniency or lower standards. • Some people don’t know how to be empathic. • Sometimes we’re just cranky. • It’s not always natural. • We (mistakenly) believe that we have to drive the lesson home.

Empathy: Why is it so important? • Children tend to try harder when we feel someone understands our struggle • Empathy helps to calm your child so that she can make better decisions • Empathy separates YOU from the problem - empathy includes a message that the problem is your child’s and not yours

A C.LO.S.E. Relationship • Calm • LOok for ways to catch ‘em being good • Special time every day • Empathy The CLOSER your relationship, the easier it will be to reduce conflicts and solve problems.

Empowering Yourself as a Parentof Younger Children

Get the help you need to succeed • Parent coaching • Parent support groups • Involve your spouse – challenging children need two parents even more

Treat your own ADHD if you have it • Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. • Too many parents ignore their own challenges – “It’s too late for me now.” “I’ve gotten along so far without any treatment” • Do it for your kids, if not for yourself. You can’t be the best you can be without addressing your own challenges.

Get enough sleep! • Work on your child’s bedtime routine. • Then work on your own bedtime routine. • Are you a night-owl? • Do you have trouble falling asleep? • Chronic sleep deprivation greatly increases forgetfulness, impatience, over-reactions, and inconsistency.

Learn all you can about ADHD • Read books. • Attend local CHADD parent support groups. • Talk to other mothers of children with ADHD.

Consistency –One new rule or habit at a time • Consistent parenting? I can’t do anything consistently! • Daily patterns are critical • Start with bedtime routine – a good night sets the stage for a good day • Do whatever it takes to support your time awareness to support consistent daily habits

Staying calm • Give yourself time out – “quiet time” for parents. • Play loud music. • Get moving. • Let your kids help. • Mindfulness. • Monitor and change your thoughts. • Admit that you’re cranky or upset. • Have a clear plan. • Accept that there will be trial and error.

Avoiding your Upset Zone • Upsets are more likely when a parent is: • Tired • Late • Overscheduled • Hungry • Premenstrual (Moms) • Lacking “me” time • Lacking social supports

Learn the Art of Habit Building • Start small – one new rule or habit at a time • Build in MANY reminders • Make it a family project • Pick something easy at first • Wait until the new pattern is habitual before adding a new rule or habit • It won’t work if it’s too complicated!

Your Goal? Perfection not required! Be a G.E.M. (Good enough mom) (Donna Henderson, Psy.D.)

Comprehend your child’s challenges • Not all kids with ADHD are alike • Do you know your child’s unique strengths and weaknesses? • Do you problem-solve and avoid blame? • Do you reduce or avoid demands that are too challenging? • Tantrums often result when task demands repeatedly exceed ability to meet them.

The Four “C’s” of Parenting a Child with ADHD • C.LO.S.E. • Calm • Consistent • Comprehending

Empowering Your Child

Build your child’s self-esteem • Don’t put your child in situations where success is beyond her reach. • Partner with the school to make sure that this approach happens at school as well. • Identify “islands of competence” • Give real praise, not empty praise • I’m proud of you that you tried so hard! • Not – that’s the best drawing in the whole class (when your child knows it’s not).

Engage in “social engineering” • Look for more structured social activities that may help your child blend in – church groups, activity camps, small group lessons • Engineer play dates with children that bring out the best in your child • Extricate your child from social situations when meltdowns are predictable. • Enroll your child in activities where like-minded children are likely to be.

Raise your child’s social IQ • Develop your child’s self-awareness indirectly through discussing behavior of other children. • Don’t put your child in situations he/she can’t handle • Overstimulation, • Play with kids that encourage impulsive behavior • Boredom • Teach your child social skills through stories

SETTING THE STAGE FOR SUCCESS Kids that feel well tend to do well – • Brain Healthy Daily Habits • Avoiding the Upset Zone • Creating an ADD-friendly Environment • Building Your Child’s Self-esteem • Understanding your child’s challenges

Brain healthy daily habits • Sleep • Nutrition • Stress management • Exercise • Exposure to nature • Supplements

Anticipate and Avoid the “Upset Zone” • Late afternoon likely time for meltdowns – everyone is tired. • Hunger • Stress • Frustration • Expecting self-control for too long (church, restaurants, sitting while adults talk)

Creating an ADD-friendly Environment • Better to REMOVE temptations than try to RESIST them (candy, digital games, TV) • Problem-solve to reduce forgetfulness • Make it easy to remember & hard to forget • External clutter increases internal clutter • Don’t over-schedule your child with ADHD • Develop routines • Provide enough structure for success • Activities should move TOWARD rewards, not AWAY from them

Create an ADD-friendly Family • Be a role-model for your child • Empathize with your child’s frustrations • Teach your child to laugh at ADD foibles • Teach your child to de-stress – create a safe, appealing de-stress zone • Tackle ADHD need for structure as a family • Focus on strengths and challenges, not on labels

Building your child’s self-esteem • Social engineering – safe, structured interactions • Carefully selected play dates for younger kids • Solo sports better for some children with ADHD • Read to your child about children with similar challenges and ways they overcame them • Find/create “islands of competence” • Avoiding confidence-busting activities • Choosing confidence enhancing teachers, coaches and tutors

Reducing Conflicts, Solving Problems Evidence-based practices to reduce daily hassles with your child

Reducing conflicts/Solving Problems • Giving choices • Only use enforceable commands • Practice, practice, practice • Joint problem-solving • Consequences vs. punishment

Giving Choices to Children • Choices help kids learn to “steer” • Be clear on when you should be in the driver’s seat and when your child can “steer” • Give two positive choices (both should be choices you can live with) • Wait 10 seconds, then make the choice yourself if your child resists choosing • Providing choices can greatly reduce oppositional behavior • Give choices throughout the day, not just at points of potential conflict.

The “Don’ts” of Giving Choices • Don’t give coercive or “false” choices – i.e., “Would you like to come now or go to your room?” - a threat, not a choice. • Don’t give a “pretend choice” – “Would you like to put on your pajamas?” – if it’s not a choice, don’t pretend it is – this confuses the child and can increase conflict • No delayed choices, alternate choices or change of choice – limit testing kids may try to engage in hijacking the process by picking a choice the parent hasn’t offered, delaying his choice, or making a choice only to say, “I’ve changed my mind. • Offer delay when choice is bigger – you can think about it and tell me your choice • Don’t give choices when your child is anxious - anxious, kids need structure and guidance instead of choices

Adult choices should NOT be a child’s choice • Relationships - Would you like to spend the holiday with Mommy or with Daddy? • Adult activities - Would you like to stay with the babysitter tonight while Mommy goes out? • Daily Schedule - Would you like to go to bed now? • Daily responsibilities - Would you like to do your homework? • Nutrition/health issues – take medicine, get a shot, go to the doctor • Safety concerns – Would you like to wear your seatbelt? • Situations that require adult judgment – Would you like to change schools? Move to a new city?

Two acceptable choices, allows your child to participate • Would you like to brush your teeth in the powder room or upstairs? • Would you like to do your homework before dinner or after dinner? • Would you like broccoli and dip or apples and peanut butter for your snack?

Appropriate choices increase with age • Area of autonomy should gradually increase with age – “my house, my rules” doesn’t help children learn to make good choices. • Your goal is to gradually teach your child to make good choices and think about the consequences of those choices • Areas of autonomy should be regularly discussed with your child and gradually increased. • You can determine circumstance under which your maturing child is allowed to make a choice

Learning to Make Enforceable Statements UNINFORCEABLE • “Sit still” • “Keep your hands to yourself” • “Quit fighting” • “Don’t touch that!” • “Stay in your room!” ENFORCEABLE • If you can be still, you’re welcome to stay in the movie theater. • You can watch TV as long as you keep your hands to yourself. • You’re welcome to stay at the playground if you stop fighting. • We can stay in the store if you stop touching. • You’re welcome to come back and play the game if you stay in your room until I call you.

Enforceable Statements Change with the Age of Your Child • When your child is too large for physical removal from a situation, then enforceable statements should only focus on resources and privileges that you can control: • Computer • Television • Phone • Attending lessons, sports practice, social activities • Being driven somewhere • Being allowed to drive the car • Purchasing something for your child • Being allowed to accompany you to a desired activity

Practice new behaviors • Make a game of it with young children • Create “fire drills” – practice new behaviors repeatedly • Reward kids with excitement, praise and appreciation • Turn the process on its head – instead of criticism and anger for undesired behavior

Problem-solving with your child • What do you think the consequence should be? • What are you going to do to fix the problem that you created? • What do you think would help you and your brother stop fighting so much?

Ross Green – Collaborative Problem Solving • Particularly helpful with rebellious or defiant teens • Can also be used with younger kids • Task is to help your child understand the problem and find a solution • Start with positive assumption about your child – Children that CAN do well, WILL do well • Critically important to stay neutral

Invitation to problem-solving • Neutral – “I’ve noticed that….” – then wait for child’s response (waiting is critically important) • Listen, understand, empathize – ask questions to make sure you understand • “The thing is…..” – neutrally state your concern • Invitation – let’s talk about what we can do to address both of our concerns? • Would you like to know what some other kids and parents have done about problems like this?

ADHD-friendly Parent Coaching