Helping Clients Overcome Offenses and Resentments

1. Helping Clients Overcome Offenses and Resentments Michele D. Aluoch, LPCC River of Life Professional Counseling LLC c. 2013

2. Stages of Grief • Shock • Disorganization • Searching Behavior • Emotional Components • Despair • Guilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish I could have done more. • Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger with yourself for being about your own business

3. Stages of Grief • Anxiety-what now?, feeling of loss of control over your emotions • Jealousy- of others who don’t have to go through loss • Shame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss – what it means • Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family members who did not help, God for “letting it happen” • Letting Go- final goodbye, not searching, acceptance of new reality • Reintegration- reassigning meaning to symbolic experiences

4. The Six Needs of MourningWolfelt, 2004 • Accept the reality of the death. • Let yourself feel the pain of the loss. • Remember the person who died. • Develop a new self identity. • Search for meaning. • Let others help you- now and always.

5. Grief and Locus Of Control • Higher external locus of control associated with greater sense of hopelessness. • External locus of control associated with worse grief outcomes. • Moms/females tended to have higher external locus of control than men. • However, repression of emotions as in men associated with much higher physical problems (cardiac arrest and heart attacks following grief). Depressive factors • Attribution to stable global factors • Inference of negative events • Inference of negative things about self

6. Tasks(Janzen,L., Cadell, S., & Westhues, A., 2003-2004) 1. Reconstructing the death scene 2. Regaining a sense of control over shattered assumptions 3. Saying good bye 4. Making sense of what happened 5. Carrying the deceased forward symbolically

7. Meaning Making in Grief • Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths • Learning to adjust what is “true” • Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths and 2. nonverbal communication • Meaning making : both within each client as well as the therapeutic exchange. • Not automatically important to everyone • Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and sharing

8. Meaning Making in Grief • Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths • Learning to adjust what is “true” • Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, myths and 2. nonverbal communication • Meaning making : both within each client as well as the therapeutic exchange. • Not automatically important to everyone • Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and sharing

9. Meaning Making in Grief KEYS • Grief is as varied as each individual. • Expression is better than denial. • Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual. • Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while women encouraged to be open. • Social support is an essential element. • Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses. • Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life. • Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining. • Flexibility between and within individuals is required. (time, style, resources needed) • Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective

10. Developing Narratives • Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories” • Assist in meeting roles of: mourning and returning to life • Practice grief (ex: self eulogy, reality- beginning, middle, and end of stories) • Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure, and heal • By end of story should be some new activities aimed at coping with the grief in productive ways

11. Good Grieving- TherapyAltmaier, E. M. (January 2011)Larsen, D., Edey, W., Lemay, L. (December 2007). • Grief as part of the human experience rather than as something to be mended • Focus on good which comes out of bad • Solution focus • Addresses: images and thoughts, separation, grief feelings • Trust to allow the story to come forth • Increased sense of spirituality or good in spite of loss • Instills hope- the story is ongoing- 15%

12. Feelings To Deal With • Anger • Hurt or pain • Betrayal • Sadness • Confusion Bewilderment • Upset • Disappointed/let down • Hatred • Frustration • Depression

13. Feelings To Deal With • Identify The Client’s Feelings As you see them in each scenario. • 1) I can’t believe that my friend who I’ve known since childhood did that! After all those years I never would have guessed. I thought I knew him better. How can I ever trust him again when I didn’t even see this coming?

14. Feelings To Deal With • 2) I thought my home would be a safe place but I found out it wasn’t. If it wasn’t for my mom’s boyfriends coming in and having their way with me then it was the domestic fights between my mom and dad. And I never got the opportunity to live in a quiet, safe neighborhood either. If not violence inside there were random gunshots and crimes outside. I never knew where I was safe . I still don’t know what safe is. How will I ever know? Life is awful and unsafe. No one can be trusted. And trying to be the good kid in school and at home doesn’t help either. Even if you study hard, clean your room and behave you are abused. Life is unfair and cruel.

15. Feelings To Deal With • 3) I can never do things right. I tried so hard but it seems I always fail. I put my all into things but they don’t work out. • 4) She was never there for me but she was my mom after all. I had to raise myself . Even as a young child I cooked food and took care of my brothers and sisters while she was out on the streets doing her thing. I cleaned the house so no one could tell how bad things really were. I had to grow up before my time. I never got to be a kid. Why did mom get to do what she pleased but I had to be the grown up she wasn’t acting like a grown up herself? Now I missed out on so much and I’m angry and bitter.

16. Feelings To Deal With • 5) My biological parents gave me up for adoption. Now they want to meet me. They said they were young and did what they believed was the best chance for me in life. But growing up not knowing who you really are or why you are unwanted does not feel like the best chance to me. They expect me to just forgive and move on though I went through so much self doubt, rejection, abandonment. They were living their lives . They didn’t try. They didn’t make me a priority.

17. Feelings To Deal With • 6) My bosses are always against me. I have been on 20 jobs in the last year and they always find something to fire me for. They let other people get away with things but not me. I’m sure my next boss will just be the same. You can only get ahead in life if you are the best friend of the company owner. • 7) Every day it is another surprise. All my friends are dying. I have one loss after another. Life gives me more than my share of issues. There is no end in sight. Other people get a break but not me. I guess some people just get lucky and some people never get anything.

18. Cognitions of Offenses • Discouraging thoughts about the offender • Questioning: why did the offender do it? • Why did this happen to me? • Thoughts of revenge • Thoughts of relationship termination • Why the offender should not have done this to begin with • Thoughts of forgiveness • Thoughts of distrust

19. Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational OffensesBeckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010) • The immediate topic • The history of arguments • The nature of conflict between the two parties • Family of origin or historical factors in these issues • Use of defenses and self preservation techiques- perpetuates offenses

20. Inspiring HopeCutcliffe, J.R.. (2006) • Through connecting in the therapeutic context • Through helping process emotions with the client until there is a release • Throughout assisting the client in coming up with an alternative ending

21. Hope Versus Want and Desire • Want/Desire • May or may not happen • May or may not be manageable and achievable • May or may not have the skills to attain the goal • Hope • Able to be attained by the hopeful person • Skill base is there or can be easily gotten • Possible and realistic to achieve • Able to access resources

22. Hopeful ElementsCutcliffe, J.R.. (2006) • Connectedness- self and others • Uplifting memories • Cognitive strategies • Spiritual or philosophical beliefs which support hope • Refocusing of time and energy • Purposeful activities • Ability to tolerate ebb and flow • Atmosphere of acceptance

23. WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BUTS: Unpleasant feelings BUT Positive self statement, Concerns Strengths based comment Worries Irrational thoughts Questions/Doubts

24. Counseling Techniques • Visualizations and guided imagery- fantasy of what the relationship with the child would look like. • Narrative therapy- letters to their child, note and their hopes and dreams for that child, if ongoing- scrapbooks at various stages • Psychoeducation-types of procedures available, community resources, common reactions to infertility, options • Behavioral therapy- help client set other options of personal goals, review and renewal of commitment to the marriage, planning for long term- next 5 years and setting sub goals (with/without parenting)

25. Counseling Techniques • Skill building- communication skills, attending, empathy, paraphrasing • Cognitive reframing- lovemaking as opposed to making babies • Cognitive therapy: a) Dealing with cultural expectations- (e.g. “how many?” and “when?” instead of “if?”), 48% of women and 15% of men= “most painful”, b) Family of origin expectations • Assertiveness and boundary setting with others • Parenting skill development with any other children

26. Forgiveness Assessment Is reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness? Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone? Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone? Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept? Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of it?

27. Forgiveness Assessment Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone? Is it possible to forgive someone? Is it possible to forgive yourself? Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting? Can forgiveness cause emotional problems? Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?

28. Forgiveness Assessment • Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior? • Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still happening? • Are religious people more forgiving? • Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others? • Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger? • Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?

29. Forgiveness Assessment • Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger? • Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life change? • Do you see forgiveness as a weakness? • Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?

30. Forgiveness Assessment • Does forgiveness automatically restore trust? • Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation at the same time? • Was forgiveness used often in your family? • Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for doing the same hurtful action repeatedly?

31. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? • Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to decision to forgive? • Did you experience—at any point before, during, or after the making of the decision lo forgive—a changed emotional state that you would define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you? • Did your Christian beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how? • What benefits (if any) have you experienced from having forgiven, and explain whether (and if so, how) your offender benefited?

32. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive? No: • Offense was too big’ • Risk for re-offending • Nature of the offense • Personal preferences/what I will or will not tolerate • Psychological distress level

33. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Positive Regard for Offender Subscale 5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his or her offense. 8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person. 14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives, needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did. 16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my relationship with the other person. 19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable.

34. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Religious–Expressive Subscale 6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us. 9. Allows me to express God’s love. 20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act. 21. Makes it possible for God to work through me. 23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus.

35. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Self–Transformation Subscale 12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before. 13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life. 15. Transforms me into a different and better person. 17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “big picture.” 22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge.

36. To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007) Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale 2. Relieves the sadness I feel. 4. Eliminates the discomfort (e.g. pain, sadness, anger) I feel whenever I see the other person. 10. Helps me to feel happier in general.

37. Four Key Components in Overcoming OffensesBeckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)

38. Areas Which Hinder Forgiveness • Black and white thinking • Cognitive Inflexibility • Lack of empathy • Lack of putting things in context • Lack of willingness to abandon one’s point of view • A strict method of justice, grace, etc. • Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness, etc.

39. Collectivist Mindset and ForgivenessHook, J. N., Worthington Jr., E. L., Utsey,S. O., Davis, D. E., & Burnette, J. L. (April 2012). • Fosters forgiveness more than those with an individualized mindset • Goals: Interpersonal harmony, reconciliation instead of personal feelings of peace and happiness Collectivism • a social pattern consisting of closely linked individuals who • (a) see themselves as connected with the collective in which they are members; • (b) are motivated primarily by the social norms and duties of their collective; • (c) place more importance on collective goals than on their own personal goals; and • (d) emphasize their connectedness to other members of the collective. Individualism • a social pattern consisting of loosely linked individuals who • (a) see themselves as relatively independent from the collective in which they • are members; • (b) are motivated primarily by their own preferences, needs, • rights, or contracts they have made with others; • (c) place more importance on personal than collective goals; and • (d) tend to make decisions on whether to associate with others on an analysis of costs and benefits to the individual.

40. Offenses and ChildrenMcAdams III, C. R., Dewell, J. A., & Holman, A. R. • Children are egocentric • Children react by becoming erratic and disorganized • Possibility of long term adjustment problems including reactive attachment disorder • Testing security and trust in all relationships • Internalized rage- behavioral problems

41. Types of Forgiveness Theories • Developmental/Process Theories • Specific Theoretical Orientation Techniques

42. Common Elements I. Intra-individual and inter-personal Within the self Between the self and others, relational II. Regarding a perceived transgressor/transgression NOTE: perceived versus actual transgressor- individual self and desired self, self and other, two parties each with some responsibility, groups

43. Common Elements III. Has disrupted appropriate social interactions IV. Requires a shift in emotions from bitterness, anger, hared, toward more positive feelings, thoughts and behaviors V. Involves some plan of dealing with accepting or modifying behaviors based on perceived injustices VI. Involves freedom in communication “To be able to say without resentment, “I feel sad that our relationship is going this way and this is what I would like from here..” (Karen,R.-2001)

44. Hindrances To Forgiveness • Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression, sharing, and/or problem solving • Codependency • Communication difficulties- avoidance, anger, reactivity, holding things in, passive aggressive communication • Extreme cognitions and black and white thinking- good/bad, right/wrong, all at fault versus not at fault • A childhood where parents were seen as always “right” • A childhood where children lived in fear of the parents’ reactions so they could never share their feelings

45. Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average Person/Client Counselors/theoristsAvg. person/client • Cognitive commitment to Do the work of forgiveness forgive initiates the treatment and then decide later about and forgiveness process commitment to forgive • Commitment to forgive is an Commitment to forgive is “easier” early stage the most important part of the entire forgiveness process and also the most difficult. • Bearing the pain is necessary Have to act civil but don’t and positive step in healing have to bear injustices if not client’s responsibility • Social support systems necessary Social supports necessary during the deeper work phases of to even start and go through forgiveness every phase of forgiveness

46. General findings from Current Research:Spirituality & Forgiveness Significant differences in forgiveness styles and patterns between those calling themselves born again (B.A.) and others (on self report measures): • 1) greater percentages B.A. feel guilty if they do not forgive • 2) a greater percentage of B.A. consider forgiveness a moral obligation

47. General findings from Current Research:Spirituality & Forgiveness • 3) a significantly higher percentage of B.A. people are willing to forgive someone else who has wronged them when they know the other is undergoing a major life event/change • 4) B.A. saw forgiveness less in terms of personal choice and more in terms of moral responsibility, moral obligation, and Biblical mandate • 5) most significant result: largest differences found between B.A. and others re. willingness to forgive repeat offenders

48. General findings from Current Research:Spirituality & Forgiveness Research results between religious and non-religious people (according to self report): • 1) “religious” say that reconciliation is the goal whereas “nonreligious” are more likely to acceptance of other as the goal • 2) “religious” tend to see reconciliation as always or most often a very helpful and emotionally cleansing process whereas “nonreligious” see reconciliation as not always necessary and even potentially emotionally damaging.

49. Forgiveness and Spirituality • Considered important and necessary by many Christians and people of faith • Spirituality is embedded in the person’s narratives of self and relationships • Decisions al forgiveness verses emotional forgiveness

50. Research Results Continued:Gender & Forgiveness • 1) Women who were more religious and scored higher on empathy scales were more inclined to forgive. • 2) Gender issues affecting forgiveness: women- guilt proneness, anger reduction, and detachment and men- age, shame proneness, and pride. • 3) Defining forgiveness: women see process of forgiveness as vital to successful relationships and men see it as helpful but not necessary for maintenance of relationship. • 4) Women are more likely to view forgiveness as obligatory and men are more likely to view forgiveness as situational.