Inter-generational conflicts in Tamil immigrant families

1. Dr. Vappu Tyyskä Department of Sociology & MA Program in Immigration and Settlement Studies, Ryerson University, Toronto, Canada vtyyska@ryerson.ca Inter-generational conflicts in Tamil immigrant families

2. Family Violence Project, 2008Funding: CERIS -The Ontario Metropolis Centre/SSHRC • 10 key informant interviews • service providers • identified under serviced communities • identified “causes” • 2 x 20 = 40 victim/survivor interviews • conducted by community researchers from Punjabi and Tamilcommunities • 5 in each category: • Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) • Child abuse • Elder abuse • Other family abuse

3. This presentation • Focus on family violence against girls, adult and older women in the Tamil community • Differences in the views of causes, assigned barriers and possible solutions, between victims/survivors of abuse, and service providers • NOTE: victim/survivor accounts → can’t say anything about how much family violence or conflict there is

4. Tamil Participants • Total: 16 = 13f + 3m • 3 victims of parental child abuse (all female); • 5 victims of IPV; • 4 victims of older adult abuse (all female); • 2 victims of sibling abuse (1 male; 1 female); • 2 male victims (one reported abuse by his wife and parents-in-law, and the other by his wife and brother-in-law).

5. Child Abuse

6. Stresses of immigration, hard work. • I would say big burden on you because when you come home very stressed already, that put big burden on you, and then you see the little things just annoying you and little things get to you…when he was doing a night shift and stuff you see dad all like moody all the time (Tamil, C1).

7. Physical discipline is culturally approved • Being the eldest brought extra responsibility to do well in school studies. When I was little and for studying, “why didn’t you get ninety “why didn’t you get ninety?’ He hit me on my knuckles and when I was writing he hit me on my knuckles. If I don’t write a word properly, If I didn’t memorize a word properly and so on...[]… As a 1st daughter they want the whole world from me, they were always after me in terms of education… (C1).

8. Self-blame & justification of abuse • I think he was justified to a certain extent in correcting us at the right time but the way he dealt with the problems were not justifiable. He had every right in my opinion, though it was pretty hurting at that time (Tamil, C7).

9. Men have power over women and children • I would basically blame his childhood, parents who did not care enough and last but not the society which taught him to be chauvinistic to be some significant causes for the way my father treated us in our childhood days (Tamil, C2). • [E]ven [my brother] he is tiny too, he is man of the house, so he has the control like, it doesn’t matter even I go to university, it doesn’t matter, if I work if I make my own money, I am still their daughter (Tamil, C1).

10. Intimate Partner Violence

11. Immigration stresses • There is a tremendous difference between our relationship here and when we were back home. He did not have drinking problems before. He arrived home promptly everyday after work. However, here he goes out with his friends after work for drinks and returns late after midnight, while I’m alone for long hours at home waiting on him…[]…He did physically hit me back home too, whenever I disagreed with him and disputed verbally against him…[]…I understand that he is stressed too with his employment and when I ask him to go to the store for instance he becomes angry because he is tired. (Tamil woman, W3).

12. Women’s independence is a threat • What he thinking is wife should be a slave as women lived in old days without knowing the world. He wants to do any think he likes. If we oppose he gets angry and beating (Tamil woman, W2).

13. Family loyalty and women’s honour • I am not with my husband because I am worried about him or about me but rather for the prestige of my parents. The society will criticize my parents for raising a daughter that has left her husband. It will also affect my sister’s marriage and her life. The community will blame me for the separation. My brother is extremely angry with my husband but I have to be patient and adjust to the conditions of my life (Tamil woman, W6).

14. Abuse of Older Adults

15. Financial stresses and abuse • If he wants $20, he will show two fingers and I have to put that money on the table. He will walk away silently with that money if I give it to him right away. If I don’t give him the money, he will fight with me and insult me…I try not to say anything in order to avoid confrontation. My son thinks that I am shy to argue back with him. He will throw things at me. Whatever he finds around the house, he will start throwing at me. Because of him, I am always troubled and I have no peace of mind. When I wake up everyday, I am always afraid of what will happen today with him (Tamil female, P1).

16. Criticism of daughters-in-law. • She [daughter in law] always degrades/ insults me and our family. In Canada, he [the son] won’t tell anything against her, because he afraid of her to call the police when she get angry. Here generally the females are calling the police if they get angry, therefore, males are kept quiet in order to maintain their respect. But in Sri Lanka it is different story, if we (women) talk one thing, we get hits by husband (Tamil female, E3).

17. Extended Family Violence

18. Family reunification • The uncle that abused me lives here. He arranged for my marriage here. Every time he sees me now, I realize that he is feeling guilty. Since my family and I moved to my mom’s village when I was around eight I was free from his torture. He does not like to interact with us much now and so I grasp that he is remorseful for his past behavior towards me. He does not look at my face when he speaks to me. I have informed my husband about him and my husband also recognizes that my uncle is remorseful and prefers to maintain space between us now (Tamil, C3).

19. Dowries and Financial Obligations • When I come to Canada the visa was delaying due to not paid the visa fee. He purposely not paid it. After that I paid out of dowry money about one lack Sri Lankan rupees. Also the first and last month rent here paid from dowry money (Tamil woman, W2) • The people that arranged our marriage had recommended me because I had four brothers and that he could expect large amounts of inheritance in dowry payments. Hence, he married with such expectations and still expects my family to financially provide for him. (Tamil woman, W6) • When I married, my wife’s family promised to give about $15,000 in payment. I did not marry for the money but it was part of the marriage proposal...I spent a lot of money for my sister’s wedding in 1992. Even then we underwent problems regarding dowry payments. My wife’s family had promised to cover some of my sister’s wedding cost but they did not provide enough money yet. (Tamil man, O1)

20. Men’s responsibility over women • Whereas my brother thinks that I have to be controlled by him even now since my husband is not around with me…[]…His way of dominating me by saying that I should not be staying late at anyone’s place and that I should get back on time etc. is kind of annoying to me. He says I am his responsibility now till my husband arrived…(Tamil woman, S1). • In our culture, most women expect that men are responsible for them. In the absence of my parents, I was expected to be responsible…My parents also wrote that since I arrived in Canada first and as the only man of the family, I should be responsible for the family. Hence most of my own desires are often not met (Tamil man, O1).

21. Differences in perceptions between victims/survivors of abuse, and service providers

22. Assigned Causes:

23. Assigned Barriers

24. Interventions Needed

25. Thank you! Questions?