BALANCE YOUR BOUNDARIES

1. BALANCE YOURBOUNDARIES by Dr. Jody Janati It’s Your “Response – Ability”

2. What is the best vitamin for a “Drama Free” Communicator? Answer: “B1”

3. Boundaries are Healthy Knowing how to set boundaries with others is essential to the collaborative process. It allows people who work together to stay on the “grow.” Setting healthy boundaries with others communicates you are accountable for yourself, you are committed to self-respect, you will protect your integrity, and you are able to enjoy balanced relationships with others.

4. PART 1 EXPLORE YOUR THINKING

5. EXPLORE THE ISSUE Name of Person: ______________ Offer some general stressful thoughts you have about this person

6. OFFER SOME ADVICE Name of Person: ______________ Offer some general advice for this person

7. AVOID RESISTANCE BASED COMMUNICATION Ineffective boundary setting is based on resistant messages and include controlling statements, which include a fixed judgment that is only masking a deeper need or request.   “You ought to” “You have to” “You should/shouldn’t”“Don’t do that” “You are not” “You must” “You need to” “S/he is xyz”

8. PART 2 ESTABLISH A CLEAR AND BALANCED ISSUE STATEMENT

9. ISSUE OPTION 1 – TURN A COMPLAINT INTO A REQUEST • Turn your “Complaints” [what you don’t want] into “Requests” [what you want]. • Example: “S/he is unprofessional,” turns into the request of, “I would like him/her to refrain from all personal calls during work hours.” Your Turn:

10. ISSUE OPTION 2 – TURN AN OPINION INTO A FACT • Turn your “opinions” [subjective] into “facts” [objective]. • Examples: Opinion Fact____ ___ S/he is rude S/he interrupts me a lot S/he’s a racist S/he tells a lot of ethnic jokes S/he doesn’t care S/he forgot my birthday Your Turn:

11. ISSUE OPTION 3 – NEUTRALIZE YOUR LANGUAGE Debatable Issue Neutral Issue [noun] He is too loud The loud volume You communicate poorly The poor communication We always argue These frequent arguments We failed with this project The recent failure I donated to the charity The charity donation She plans to resign The planned resignation I can’t believe she smokes The smoking surprised me I failed in my marriage The failure of my marriage He cheated on me The cheating hurt me She is rude to her staff The rude behavior Your Turn:

12. PART 3 COMMUNICATE YOUR BALANCED BOUNDARY

13. COMMUNICATION OPTION 1: State the Issue + an Awareness Statement Example • State the Issue [neutralized]: “The frequent use of sarcasm doesn’t work for me.” • Awareness Statement: “I thought I should bring it up now that we’re working so closely together.” Your Turn • State the Issue [neutralized]: • Awareness Statement:

14. COMMUNICATION OPTION 2: State the Issue + Your Intention Example • State the Issue [neutralized]: “Regular tardiness has become a problem for our team.” • Intention Statement: “I want us all to be equally accountable and respectful of one another’s time and this is why I wanted to address it at the beginning of the meeting.” Your Turn • State the Issue [neutralized]: • Intention Statement [reason why you brought it up]:

15. COMMUNICATION OPTION 3: State the Issue + Feeling/Need Example • State the Issue [neutralized]: “I have a problem with the way dad is belittled and put down every time his name comes up in conversation.” • Statement of Feeling/Need: “I feel uncomfortable when you speak poorly of dad and I need to know we can have a conversation that doesn’t disrespect him.” Your Turn • State the Issue [neutralized]: • Statement of Feeling/Need:

16. COMMUNICATION OPTION 4: State the Issue + Note Observable Behavior Example • State the Issue [neutralized]: “The lack of help on this project has become a problem.” • Note Observable Behavior: “We have not been given any new content and there wasn’t a status report given at the group meeting.” Your Turn • State the Issue [neutralized]: • Note Observable Behavior:

17. COMMUNICATION OPTION 5: State the Issue + Consequence Example • State the Issue [neutralized]: “The constant talking during our meetings has become an issue.” • Consequence of Behavior Statement: “When there is a lot of extra noise in the room, I have to repeat myself and several people have mentioned they are unable to hear me.” Your Turn • State the Issue [neutralized]: • Consequence of Behavior Statement:

18. Mix It Up for More Possibilities Issue [neutralized] + I felt [feeling] _____ when you said/did [observable behavior] _____ and I [need] _____. I thought it was important for you to know this [awareness]. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything [intention]. My [need] for _____ makes me [feel] _____ and this is why it is difficult for me to work with you when you [observable behavior] ______. “You said/did [observable behavior] and it made me [feel] _____; I had to leave the room [consequence of the behavior] because I am unable to handle it when you do that. When you [observable behavior] _____ I felt [feeling] _____ and I needed [need] to know [awareness]_____

19. PART 4 ENFORCE YOUR BALANCED BOUNDARY

20. The Language of an Interest Based Statement Creates Little to No Resistance Effective boundary setting is based on an INTEREST statement and is not attached to a specific outcome or response; nor is it concerned with controlling another’s actions. It simply transfers responsibility [the choice] onto the recipient to decide for him/herself.

21. SOLUTIONS BASED LANGUAGE “Let’s see if we can…” “Perhaps we could…” “Might we be able to…” “Can you agree to…” “I’d like it if we could…” “Would you be willing…”   “Are you able to…” “Maybe we could…” “The solution I want is…” “Is it possible for us to…” “Suppose we do this” “Have you considered” “Would you rather x or y?”“The outcome I would like” “What will it take?” “I want us to…” “What do you think we should do?” “It might be in our best interest to…”   “I would like to offer a suggestion…” “What would help the situation?”  “One option we might want to consider is…”  “How do you want to be treated?”

22. COLLABORATIVE TONE Problem [-] Solution [+] Have to Choose to Defensive Collaborative Control Balance Need Feeling Demand Request Resistance No Resistance Force Face Fight Unite Debate Dialogue Destructive Constructive Repel Attract Superiority Equality React Respond Hero Humble Self-Centered Higher Purpose Control Empower Negative Positive Deny Consider Attack Concede Emotional Not Emotional

23. EXAMPLE: Issue + Request to Solve + Consequence Issue[neutralized]: “The constant swearing has become an issue and I would like everyone to feel comfortable in the group…” Request to Solve:“… and request you stop the incessant swearing in the team meetings; will you comply?” Consequence 1: “If you continue to swear, I’m going to bring up my dislike for the language and ask that the group discuss their feelings about it.” Consequence 2 : “If your swearing continues, then I’ll have to leave the room or ask you to leave the room [depending on your position].”

24. EXAMPLE: Issue + Request to Solve + Consequence Issue [neutralized]: “This report has become an issue and I want to complete this paperwork for you on time…” Request to Solve: “…are you willing to help me with the details?” Consequence 1: “If you are unable to send some additional information to me this afternoon, then I will work on other tasks and put yours aside, incomplete.” Consequence 2: “If you don’t provide me with all of the information by the end of the day, then I won’t be able to complete your report on time.”

25. BALANCE YOUR BOUNDARIES Your Turn: Issue [neutralized]: Request to Solve: Consequence 1: Consequence 2:  

26. PART 5 BALANCE YOUR THINKING

27. It is what it “IS” Issue Solution

28. REVIEW YOUR THOUGHTS “When I think the thought “_______________,” my thoughts and behavior towards this person become “_____________________.”

29. POINTS TO PONDER The way you think about things occurs in language. “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time” ~ B. Katie Detangle your thoughts = freedom More certain thoughts = More certain pain “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change” ~ W. Dyer

30. Thank You!  You are “Response – Able!”  Thank You!  May You Find Your “Conversation Peace!” Dr. Jody Janati 651.210.2246 | norri125@umn.edu www.communicationinnovation.vpweb.com