AVA Church Advocacy Training

1. AVA Church Advocacy Training TRIENNIAL 2016 AVA TRAINING Advocacy for Victims of Abuse  Covchurch.org/abuse

2. Breaking the Silence, Telling the Truth

3. What is Domestic Violence (DV)? • DV is a ______ of ________ and _______ behaviors adults or adolescents use against their intimate partners.And… it’s against the law! pattern assaultive coercive

4. What are Those Abusive Behaviors? Physical • ________________ • ________________ • ________________ • ________________ Sexual Psychological Spiritual

5. What is the Cause of Domestic Violence? • It’s about ________ and ________ • It’s not about ______, ________ or ________ • It’s generational—___________________ power control anger drugs alcohol a learned behavior

6. What do These Abusive Behaviors Look Like? Emotional abuse is: • Withholding ____________________ • Extreme _______________________ • _________ • Controlling a person’s every ________ • Threats and ____________________ • Destruction of ___________________ • Harming to _____________________ affection jealousy Insults move intimidation property pets

7. What do These Abusive Behaviors Look Like? Sexual abuse is: • Any unwanted sexual ________ or ______. • Any unwelcome sexual _________, from _______ to ____________. • ______ sexual intercourse between two people who know each other. advance contact comments kissing intercourse Forced

8. What do These Abusive Behaviors Look Like? Economic abuse is: • Keeping control over the ____________ of household income. • Denying financial ____________. expenditures access

9. What do These Abusive Behaviors Look Like? Physical abuse is: • Shoving • Slapping • Pulling • Grabbing • Punching • Hitting • Biting • Spitting

10. What do These Abusive Behaviors Look Like? Spiritual abuse is: • Use of scripture to __________ or ______. • Use of scripture to ________. manipulate control oppress

11. What are Some of the Myths About Domestic Violence? spouse • Be a better ________. • It happens in ________ and/or ______________ families. • It’s a ___________ as head of the family. • Battering is a _________ matter. • They must ________ or they would leave. poor under-educated man’s right private like it

12. The Truth About Domestic Violence • Nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the U.S. • 10+ million women and men are abused each year and approximately 4,000 women die. • 3.3 to 10 million children are exposed to domestic violence every year. • 30 to 60% of children exposed to domestic violence are also physically and/or sexually abused themselves.

13. The Truth About Domestic Violence 25% • _____ of the children exposed to domestic violence get involved in domestic violence • 60% male teens in prison for murder or assault are in for violence against their mother’s perpetrator.

14. What Does a Battered Person Look Like? They may: • Have difficulty focusing on their own needs. • Be passive, manipulative. • Feel shame, guilt, inadequate. • Feel angry, bitter, defensive. • Be depressed, suicidal....BUT MAYBE NONE OF THESE.

15. What Does a Batterer Look Like? They may: • Be strong • Be very masculine • Be a blue collar worker • Be mean, angry...BUT MAYBE NONE OF THESE.

16. What Happens in the Relationship? • Physical abuse usually doesn‘t just happen—its planned and calculated. It may take three weeks or three years before there is a physical explosion.“The Power and Control Wheel”:The victim is coerced, intimidated, threatened with words, gestures, and weapons.

18. The Cycle of Violence • Honeymoon • Tension • Explosion • Honeymoon

19. Why Does the Victim Stay? advocacy • Lack of ________ • Batterer is ________, ________, __________, ________ • They believe the ________ • Children’s best interest is to ___________ _________________ • Pressure from ________ and ________ • Denial and ________ • Fear of losing ________________ • Financial ________________ • Shame wealthy powerful influential famous threats keep the family together culture religion guilt child custody despair

20. What Social and Cultural Learning Encourages Women to Stay? Women are: • __________ • Preserve family ______________ • Wife should be financially __________ on husband • A woman’s place is in the __________ • A woman’s identity is dependent on ____________________ • Man viewed as is the ______________ • Women are _________ beings Rescuers at all cost dependent home marital status head of family sacrificial

21. What Social and Cultural Learning Encourages Men to Stay? Men are: • Strong and can take it • Assume things will get better if I’m patient and pay attention to her needs • See themselves as good as other men • Afraid they may lose home, children and assets • If I just work hard at the relationship it will get better

22. What Environmental Roadblocks Might a Victim Encounter? • Negative response of neighbors • Weak criminal justice or law enforcement system • Lack of support from church • The reality of the spouse’s threats • Pressure or expectations of immediate family, to stay in a marriage forever

23. How Can You Encourage or Affirm a Battered Person? First: • Do assure them of __________ and desire for their _______. • Do _________ them. • Don’t ________ their victimization. • Don’t ________ their danger. • Don’t ________ them. • Don’t hold them to your __________. • Don’t recommend ________________. • Don’t tell them to ______, or ___________. God’s love safety believe deny minimize judge standards marital counseling leave what to do

24. How Can You Encourage or Affirm a Battered Person? Tell them: • They are not the ________ of the violence. • They deserve ________with ________. • They can regain ________ of their life and they are ________ the change. • The abuse has ________ the marriage _____________. cause love respect control worth broken covenant

25. How Can You Encourage or Affirm a Battered Person? How to help them: • Protect their ______________. • Accept their ___________. • Encourage them to think about and plan for their ________. • ___________ for them. • Provide __________. • ________ with and for them. confidentiality choices safety Advocate resources Pray

26. What Should I do if I Believe I am a Victim of Domestic Violence First: • Trust and believe in yourself. • Contact a counselor at a domestic violence agency. • Contact a pastor/spiritual leader and a friend you can trust. • Develop a safety plan.

27. What Should I do if I Believe I am a Victim of Domestic Violence Second: • Realize and accept that you are not ready to help others, yet. Your first and foremost responsibility is to care for yourself. God’s wants to take care of you too!

28. What Should I do if I Believe I am a Victim of Domestic Violence Third: • See your facilitator during the next break

29. Teenagers and Domestic Violence

30. One in Three Girls… Will be in a controlling, abusive dating relationship before she graduates from high school One in Six Boys…. Are abused before age 18

31. What You Need to Know About Teens and Dating Violence • Youths ages 14-24 are most at risk for domestic violence • Over 40% of male and female high school students said they have been victims of dating violence at least once.

32. More Facts… • 50-80% of teens have reported knowing others who were involved in violent relationships. • 15% of teen reported being victims of severe dating violence (i.e., hit, kicked, thrown down, or attacked with a weapon in the last year). • 8% of 8th and 9th-grade students have reported being victims of sexual violence when dating.

33. What do Some Teens Learn About Relationships? • Relationships are to be governed by power and control • Violence and threats of violence are acceptable relational skills • Violence has a place in an intimate relationship • People can hurt one another and neither apologize nor take responsibility for their actions • To live with a deep sense of guilt and shame

34. Death Early sexual activity Promiscuity HIV/AIDS Substance abuse Gang violence Homelessness Prostitution Criminal activities What are Some of the Greatest Risks for Teenagers Living with Domestic Violence

35. Child Witness to Violence ProjectA Few Conclusions • Violence in the home is worse than in the community • Children are influenced by domestic violence more than by television and street violence • Children are more intensely affected, and the consequences last longer from domestic violence than from community violence

36. Why do I Need to Know This? • We have kids in your congregation who are exposed to domestic violence • We have teens in your youth group who are involved in dating violence • We have the ability to help bring an end to domestic violence

37. Aggressiveness, disruptiveness Anti-social, isolation, anxiety Clinginess or neediness Self-destructive patterns Changes in diet Depression, suicidal, anger Change in peer group Early sexual activity Failure to thrive School truancy Drop in grades Low self-esteem Substance abuse Early maturing Recognize the Signs

38. Respond • What teenagers need from us • To be seen • To be heard • To be believed • To be safe • To be protected • To be loved • To be supported • To be cared for and nurtured

39. What Teens Need to Know About Their Situation • To know that the violence is not their fault • To know there is hope • To know God is present • God sees; God loves; God cares • God is acting on their behalf

40. What Teens Need to Believe • They bear a unique image of God • They have immeasurable worth and value because of God’s image • They have incredible power through their ability to make responsible choices • They have the authority to refuse anything and anybody that would negate, deny, or disrespect their unique image of God • The have the courage to stand against oppression, domination, pain, and suffering

41. What Value Does a Teenager Need to Have Healthy Relationships • Self love • Mutual respect • Shared power • Equality and equity • Peace, justice, and liberation for all

42. Child Sexual Abuse

43. Pertinent Facts • 1 in 4 women is sexually abused by the age of _____ • 1 in 6 men is sexually abused by the age of _______ • Abuse crosses all _______ and __________ • There continues to be _________ by the culture 18 18 culture racial lines denial

44. How can a Child be Violated? • Child Sexual Abuse: A physical violation of a child’s body through any sort of sexual contact or a psychological violation of a child’s personal space through verbal or visual sexual behavior.

45. How can a Child be Violated? • Incest: Sexual relations between persons who are so closely related that their marriage is illegal or forbidden by custom. The statutory crime of sexual relations with such a near relative. • Molest: To accost and harass sexually.

46. Myths and Facts • Myth: Children lie about sexual abuse. • Fact: Children rarely lie about abuse, but will often recant due to family pressures and fear.

47. Myths and Facts • Myth: Non-offending parents in incestuous families know the incest is going on and often cause or condone it. • Fact: Only about 50% know about the abuse. Of those who knew, 50% took action, 20% took action later, and 30% took no action.

48. Myths and Facts • Myth: It is better not to talk about sexual abuse—the child will forget. • Fact: Stopping the abuse requires breaking the silence. Healing requires talking about the abuse in a non–intrusive manner.

49. The Trauma (Tamar & Joseph) choice • No _________________ • Place/relationships should have been ___________ • Words and feelings were __________________ • Voices were ______________________________ • Were _________ and _____ • Were left __________________________ safe meaningless silenced blamed humiliated desolate

50. The Wounded Child dangerous • Adults are ______________________ • Adults do not _____________ her/him • Understanding of God is ___________ protect shattered