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Do’s and Don’ts for Arguing A ppropriately

Ethics of Arguing. Do’s and Don’ts for Arguing A ppropriately. There’s a lot of anger out there. Road rage Little League and Ayso fights Hell’s Kitchen, Real Housewives Zinedine Sedane Christian Bale Mel Gibson. Arguing needn’t be combative

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Do’s and Don’ts for Arguing A ppropriately

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  1. Ethics of Arguing Do’s and Don’ts for Arguing Appropriately

  2. There’s a lot of anger out there • Road rage • Little League and Ayso fights • Hell’s Kitchen, Real Housewives • Zinedine Sedane • Christian Bale • Mel Gibson • Arguing needn’t be combative • Arguing is an asset, not a liability, in a relationship

  3. Don’t avoid arguing • Avoiding an argument won’t make an issue go away • Arguing gets issues out into the open • Arguing lets people know where they stand in the relationship • Couples who report high relationship satisfaction also report that they argue frequently over specific issues

  4. Keep arguments manageable • deal with one issue at a time • bring up an issues in the “here and now.” • “I’m upset about what you just said” • “I want to talk to you about this as soon as we’re home.” • don’t engage in “sandbagging” • Don’t save up issues and dump them on the other person suddenly

  5. It’s okay to get angry • It is okay to be angry at someone, but anger must be managed • “own” your anger • Take responsibility for your feelings • use “I” statements • don’t blame the other person for your emotions • Wrong: “You make me so mad!” • Wrong: “Are you trying to make me mad?” • Right: “I’m really angry at you right now” • if you are too upset to be rational, then wait until you cool off

  6. Use active listening skills • Avoid mental counter-arguing • listen instead of mentally rehearsing your objections • Acknowledge when another person makes a good point • “I agree with you on that point. I hadn’t thought of it that way.” • “I think you are right about that.”

  7. More about listening skills • Use paraphrasing to demonstrate you understand the other person’s point of view • Paraphrasing summarizes your opponent’s position • “if I understand you correctly…” • “What I hear you saying is…” • Use perception checking to make sure you understand the other person’s point of view • Paraphrasing clarifies your opponent’s position • “Are you saying that…?” • “So you’re upset because…?”

  8. Focus on issues, not personalities • focus on the specific issue. • what is the locus of the disagreement? • emphasize points of agreement, not just disagreement • avoid engaging in verbal aggression • personal attacks, put-downs, insults • avoid threats, ultimatums • avoid passive-aggressive behavior • getting back at the other person in a round about way

  9. Disrupt and Deflect Attacks Ernie: “What’s it like, being stupid 24/7?” Zola: “Rather than focusing on my shortcomings, let’s concentrate on getting this project finished.” Ernie: “Your teeth are brighter than you are.” Zola: “Ernie, insulting me isn’t going to help solve this problem.” Ernie: “I’ll be nicer, when you get smarter.” Zola: “I’ll try my best. Now, shall we tackle this project?”

  10. The ideal balance

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