Distorted Beliefs about Belonging, Significance & Contributing:

1. Distorted Beliefs about Belonging, Significance & Contributing: The Child’s Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior By Suzanne Lee DNP PMHCNS-BC Christine Mannella MA MPH LMFT

2. Definition Cor Parenting Model Is based on a melding together of principles and structure from Children the Challenge and Adlerian Principles, the interpersonal approach from The Nurtured Heart, and Neurolinguistic Processing (NLP) in combination with our own experiences and reflected learning

3. Children the Challenge Rudolph Dreikurs , MD, with Vicki Soltz, RN Positive Parenting Jane Nelsen, Ed.D The Nurtured Heart Howard Glasser Books to help you

4. Learning Objectives: • Participant will identify the Child’s Mistaken Goals • Participant will be able to cite parental interventions to address each mistaken goal • Participant will be able to identify the parental feelings that are generated with each of the Child’s mistaken goals • Participants will observe and have option to participate in virtual role play exercises with opportunities to practice new behaviors • Participant will learn and be able to recite important structures and limits around the initiation of behavior changes • Participant with have opportunity in observe and option to role play new communication styles that incorporate “I” messages, reflective listening, and other effective skills

5. Universal Need • To Belong!!! • Six Human Needs (Tony Robbins NLP) that Foster Belonging • Certainty • Variety • Significance • Connection/Love • Growth • Contribution

6. The Ultimate Goal of our parenting efforts is to foster in our children an ability to behave in accordance with the Needs of the Situation, no matter the situation

7. Six Basic Needs and Tensions to Achieve Them

8. Three Basic Parenting Styles Permissive/Avoidant Authoritarian/Autocratic Mindful/Democratic

9. Goals of Misbehavior The Child, in seeking to fulfill belonging needs but operating with faulty sense of belonging, is likely to engage in these mistaken goals. (The younger the child, the more pure and uncomplicated these mistaken goals are and the more identifiable). Remember, All behavior is Purposeful! Undue Attention Passion for Power Revenge or Retaliation Withdrawal/Giving Up

10. All Behavior is Purposeful • most of us do not understand the purposes of our behaviors; children especially do not understand the purpose • All of us have an essential, huge need to BELONG! • The goal of parenting ought to be to help our children to develop a sense of belonging through social interest or contribution to the greater good; this promotes happiness • Children get waylaid from such a goal when they develop mistaken or distorted beliefs about their belonging • Parents’ automatic reactions to the child’s misbehaviors typically re-enforce this mistaken belief of the child’s • Parents can oftentimes identify the child’s mistaken beliefs about belonging by noticing their own emotional response to the child’s behaviors • With this knowledge, the parent/s can disrupt this distorted belief and guide the child to develop a constructive belief about belonging

11. Goals of Misbehavior The Child, in seeking to fulfill belonging needs but operating with faulty sense of belonging, is likely to engage in these mistaken goals. (The younger the child, the more pure and uncomplicated these mistaken goals are and the more identifiable). Remember, All behavior is Purposeful! Undue Attention Passion for Power Revenge or Retaliation Withdrawal/Giving Up

12. Undue Attention Mistaken Belief: I matter most, and maybe ONLY when you are paying attention to me! Child demands attention when it is not appropriate and fairly constantly

13. Parent feels ANNOYED and IRRITATED Parent usually reinforces Child’s Mistaken Goal by energizing the negative behavior thereby convincing the child that the behavior WORKS! The parent tends to react by reminding and coaxing HE GETS ATTENTION!!!

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15. Parent/Teacher Alternative Behaviors For Undue Attention Ignore Give positive attention at other times Avoid undue service Say only once, then ACT Make special time Set up routines Take time for training Use Natural & Logical Consequences Encourage Re-Direct Use Family Meetings

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17. Power Hungry Mistaken Belief: I matter if I can get my way! Parent reinforces this mistaken goal by fighting, giving in, thinking, “You can’t get away with this!” Child demands to WIN or Persevere Over Parent

18. Parent feels ANGRY and DETERMINED Parent usually reinforces Child’s Mistaken Goal by energizing the power hungry child thereby convincing the child that the Power WORKS to Defeat the Parent! SHE GETS more convinced that Power Works!!!

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20. Parent/Teacher Alternative Behaviors For Power Hungry Child Don’t fight and don’t give in Withdraw from conflict Ask for help Do the unexpected Be firm and KIND ACT, don’t talk Develop mutual respect Give limited choices Set reasonable and few limits Encourage Redirect to positive power Use family meetings/class meetings

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22. Seeking Revenge Mistaken Belief: I matter if I can hurt others as I have been hurt; I can’t be liked or loved. Parent reinforces this mistaken goal by retaliating, getting even, thinking, “How could you do this to me?” The child gets more convinced that he/she truly is unlovable

23. Parent feels HURT and Disbelieving Parent usually reinforces Child’s Mistaken Goal of the Child’s belief in his/her un-lovability by retaliating and getting revenge convincing the child that an ability to hurt others is how he/she belongs! SHE GETS more convinced that Revenge Works!!!

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25. Parent/Teacher Alternative Behaviors For Revengeful Child Avoid feeling hurt Avoid punishment and retaliation Build trust Deal with hurt feelings Use reflective listening Share your feelings Make amends Show regard and caring Act, don’t talk Encourage strengths Use family/class meetings

26. Giving Up or Withdrawing/Avoiding Mistaken Belief: I belong by convincing others to give up on me as I have given up on myself Parent reinforces this goal by retreating from the child, giving up on the child’s ability to change, doing for the child, over-helping

27. Parent feels Despair and Hopelessness Parent usually reinforces Child’s Mistaken Goal of their worthlessness by parent giving up, or over-helping or lowered expectations SHE GETS more convinced that inadequacy is her way to belong!!!

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29. Parent/Teacher Alternative Behaviors For Failure or Inadequate Child Stop all criticism Encourage positive attempts, no matter how small Focus on strengths/assets Don’t pity or give up! Show faith Offer chances for success Teach skills/show how Take small steps Step back Encourage, encourage, encourage Use family/class meetings

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31. The Antidote to these Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior is… Encouragement!

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33. Methods of Encouragement Help the child to feel significant Catch the child doing well and acting appropriately Act as often as you can rather than TALK Allow your child to experience failures Share your own errors, failures, disappointments Avoid doing FOR the child; allow the child to do for him/her self

34. Methods of Encouragement 7. Avoid mindless messaging or verbal reacting 8. Put things in perspective 9. Avoid over protection 10. Avoid focusing on mistakes 11. Never humiliate 12. Separate the deed from the doer Avoid comparing

35. Methods of Encouragement, continued… Avoid using guilt to motivate the child Avoid using worry or own anxiety as a means to control the child Avoid criticizing the child Say what you mean and mean what you say Be sincere Get close, smile often and touch Offer your belief in your child to make better choices in the future Ask for help from your child

36. Six Basic Needs Met in the Healthy Family System

37. Relationship Building Through Individual Quality time & Regular Family Meetings

38. Progress Not Perfection And The Courage to be Imperfect!

39. The End!