Memory Snapshot Essay Self Assessment

1. Memory Snapshot Essay Self Assessment YOU’LL NEED A HIGHLIGHTER AND A RED PEN ALONG WITH YOUR ESSAY. YOUR WORK ON THIS SELF ASSESSMENT WILL BE PART OF YOUR ROUGH DRAFT GRADE. • California State Content Standard: Writing 2.1 Write biographical or autobiographical narratives or short stories: • Segerstrom ESLR: Reflective Communicators

2. The Revision Process • What to work on at this point: • The big picture issues. • Does my story hold together, or do I need to change major elements? • Is my intro attention-grabbing? • Does my conclusion tie it all together? • Are my characters believable and realistic? • What to work on later (during editing) • Finding the exact best words (look for them here, but don’t get hung up) • Revising for sentence variety.

3. Check the Hook • Highlight the hook (engaging opening). • Does it compel the reader’s attention? • Or does it start with any of the following worn out phrases? • Once upon a time ... • When I was ten I experienced … • Have you ever witnessed a crime? • Make a note to return to this for revision.

4. Hook Improvements Spice up your hook (engaging opening) with: • An anecdote • A famous quote • A startling fact • A vivid description • A generalization

5. Some Samples: • My dog is a lot like me when he is sad. One time he even moped around the house for days, just wandering through rooms aimlessly. I felt like this when my grandmother died. • Anecdote - A short story that illustrates a point with a transition into your thesis • A Swedish proverb says, “Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half the sorrow.” Experiencing the joy of my first boyfriend and the sorrow of our breakup with my best friend, Sarah, by my side was a great comfort. • A famous quote - A famous quote with a transition into your thesis

6. Some Samples: In California, the current unemployment rate is 9.5%. That may seem small, but when one’s mother and father are part of that 9.5%, the statistic can become overwhelming. Startling Fact - A startling fact with transition into your thesis Changing schools in the middle of the school year can be unnerving, but it can also be an opportunity to reinvent yourself and take on new challenges. Seeing the change in a positive way was the key to my success when I transferred to Segerstrom High School last year. Generalization- A generalization about the topic with a transition into your thesis

7. Thesis:Background Information and Hint at Significance In a Narrative Essay (yes, this is a narrative essay), the thesis should tell the topic of the story (narrative) you are writing and the reason you are writing the narrative or the overall message you are sending to your reader. Examples: Caring for my puppy the first month I had himshowed me that I was not ready for that big of a responsibility. Mourning my grandfather’s death with my family brought us closer together and gave us opportunities to care for each other in ways we never experienced before that point. Put [brackets] around the engaging opening and background information. Underline the hint about the significance of the experience.

8. Checking Your Scenes • Everything that happens should be in a specific place and time. Is the order of events clear? • Number the events in chronological order. • In the right margin, label the rising action, climax, falling action, resolution, external conflict, internal conflict. • Are there any scenes that seem necessary logically that are missing? • Make a note to add them. • Check your pacing/emphasis. Did you spend too much time describing a minor setting? Do you need to add detail, gestures, description?

9. Add Dialogue • When characters talk to each other, it’s always more interesting to hear their words rather than a summary. • Look for places where characters interact, and add at least 4 instances of dialogue. • For example: • Pedro’s dad told him that his mother had died while giving birth to him. • Revised: • “Your mother died for you,” Pedro’s dad spat out while staring at the window.

10. Add Thoughtshots Use italicized font whenever you are revealing your inner thoughts and feelings (interior monologue) throughout your Memory Snapshot Essay. Highlight sentences that contain thoughts or feelings. Add at least 4 examples of thoughtshots. For example: Coach Carter yelled, “Jose, either get your head in the game or go home!” “Yes, Coach,” I replied. What a jerk! Doesn’t he know how hard I’m trying?

11. Add Gestures and Reactions to Create a “You are There” Feeling in the Reader Telling • Gestures are a great way to SHOW rather than TELL how characters are feeling: • Poor: Gustav was embarrassed at her accusation. • Revised: Hearing her accusation, Gustav flushed pink. • Revised: Upon hearing her accusation, Gustav buried his face in his hands. • Revised: • “You stole my superhero tights. Didn’t you?” Megawoman shouted. • “I, well, no, couldn’t have. You see…” Gustav trailed off, staring at the ground. Reaction Gesture Dialogue Gesture

12. Examine Your Conclusion • Don’t begin with Finally, In conclusion, or Thus. These are overused, andout-of-place in a narrative. • Your conclusion (paragraph) should: • Revisit your hook • Transition to revisiting your thesis- this should show how the revisited hook and restated thesis are related. • Restate your thesis with more insight (explain the meaning of the experience). What universal theme is illustrated?

13. Checking for Transitions • Transitions are words, phrases, or sentences that lead the reader from one idea to another. • For this essay, we will concentrate on transitions in time and sequence. • Time transitional words: • after, afterward, at last, before, currently, during, earlier, immediately, later, meanwhile, now, recently, simultaneously, subsequently, then • Sequence transitional words: • first, second, third etc,. next, then, finally • You must use at least 2 transitional words per body paragraph. • Box all of your transition words • however, also, because of this, after, before, in addition, then, likewise, similarly, on the other hand, meanwhile,

14. Checking for Sentence Variety • Draw two lines at the end of every sentence. // Like this. // • Are most of your sentences three to four lines long? Or are they three to four words long? • Is there variety in your sentence structures? • If not, put a note in the margins to “Break into multiple sentences” or “Combine sentences.”

15. Image Grammar Your Memory Snapshot Essay should incorporate the use of at least three examples of Image Grammar Painting with participles, painting with absolutes, painting with appositives, painting with adjectives shifted out of order, painting with action verbs. Draw a wavy line under each example of Image Grammar. Check to make sure commas are used to separate the Image Grammar brushstrokes from the rest of the sentence. Make sure you do not underline or italicize the brushstrokes.

16. Checking for RIP Words • Scan your essay for boring, dead words. Circle these: • Different, really, very, get, amazing, incredible, nice, big, little, small, said • You will need to replace these words. Suggestions: • different: can be replaced by unique, startling, surprising, remarkable, curious • big: enormous, immense, vast, bulky, massive

17. Checking Adverbs • Adverbs are words that modify verbs, adjectives, or other adverbs. • Put a box around all adverbs. (Look for –ly words: quickly, happily, sadly) • Try to replace the adverbs with stronger verbs and more powerful adjectives. • Example: • Boring: I walked happily home. • Better: I skipped home.

18. Check Sentence Openings • Circle any sentence that begins with “There is/are/were” • Make a note in the margins to rephrase these. Often these can simply be cut. • Example: • Weak: There are several people that influenced me during high school. • Better: Several people influenced me during high school. • Scan to see if you have a series of sentences that begin with the same words, • For example “He,” “She” or “I.”

19. Check for Contractions • Cross out all contractions, for example: • I’m • there’s • we’re • he’d • Spell out all of these words • This helps establish an appropriate tone • One exception: contractions in dialogue