Chapter 12 Self Deception

1. Chapter 12Self Deception Robert Holmes This material may be used without fee or charge, providing relevant acknowledgement is made about authorship. No replication, printing or use in training Institutions without prior written permission.

2. Self Deception • The issue of self deception is very difficult. • People do not know they are suffering from it because they can not see it. • How many of us know we are deceived? • However, everyone else around you can see it.

3. Self Deception • We view the world in a certain way, that shifts values and blame away • We believe we are better than we really are, and others are worse than they really are. • Bill Hybels says, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions”

4. Self Deception • Your whole world is speaking back to you. • If you want to know your internal reality – get married. • If you still can’t tell, have kids • If you’re still clueless, start your own business! • Let’s think about an ordinary situation…

5. Self Betrayal • Consider a husband and a wife lying in bed with the baby crying. • Each one gives good reason why they should not get up. • They also consider good reason why the other should get up. • This results in a distorted view or paradigm through which we see

6. Group Deception • Anthropologists call it “demonising” others and “angelising” ourselves. • It justifies our treatment of them as something less than human. • Self deception leads to group deception • This is how Hitler was able to justify destroying the Jews, by making them less than human

7. Dysfunctionality • The result is that we live in a dysfunctional world. • Consider the comment of a leader I met recently. She said, “It’s dysfunctional, but hey, at least it’s MY dysfunctional!” • In other words, “I know it does not work, but at least I own it!”

8. Dysfunctionality • Everyone around you knows it’s not working, but they cannot help you. • Not until you let them in, you let them see. • Who would want to be blind?

9. Secondary Gains • We deceive ourselves, because there is a payoff. • Why do abused women stay with their husbands? • Why do adult children fail to confront their alcoholic mother? • Why does a sick person not get up for prayer, or to see a doctor?

10. Secondary Gains • Dr Phil McGraw calls it the “secondary payoff”. • You’re wiling to put up with the initial abuse, because of the secondary gain. • Money, power, sex, finances, pride, prestige… what’s the pay off for staying deceived?

11. Self Deception • Palliative care nurse Collette and her dad EXAMPLE

12. The way out • We need to see people as they really are • Do you see people, or objects? How would you know? • Do you know people’s names? • Is there a response inside you which says “I need x from this person…”

13. Getting out of the box • The first key is to acknowledge the fact that we are deceived. • The second key is to see people as they really are • The third key is to find out what your secondary gain is • The fourth key is to ask those around you to help you

14. Resources • Leadership and Self Deception, The Arbinger Institute • Hybels, Bill. “Who you are When No One is Looking” • McGraw, Phil, Dr. “Getting Real”, Audio Series.

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