Helping Children and Families Deal with Grief and Loss

Helping Children and Families Deal with Grief and Loss Bob Brinker Parent and Community Education Specialist

Expectations and Questions

Group Rules • Share your wisdom • Ask questions • Take care of yourself • Cheat • Have fun • Agree to disagree • Honor people’s stories • What we talk about stays here

Rules for Grief Program • Each loss is unique • We don’t compare losses and pain • We do not need fixed • We listen to one and another’s stories with dignity and respect

Three Commitments Total Honesty (telling your emotional truth) Absolute Confidentiality Uniqueness and Individuality

HearingOur Stories • Hearts have been broken • Experienced great pain • Many losses have been overlooked • Each loss is unique: “I don’t know how you feel.”

Grief “conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end to a familiar pattern if behavior”

Losses • Loss of pet • Death of a grandparent • Moving • Loss of economic security • Finishing/beginning school • Health issues • Divorce/separation • Loss of self-esteem • Removal from home • Abuse/neglect issues • Incarceration

Intangible Losses • Loss of safety • Loss of control • Loss of self-esteem

Recovering from grief is a series of small and correct action steps

Caregiver Function for Grieving Children • Provide honest and open relationships with children • Provide a safe and secure place where children can mourn • Be role models of healthy mourning

Stupid ThingsWe say toGrievers

Loss Euphemisms Regarding Death • Went to sleep • Gone away • Meet his maker • Pushing up daisies • Expired • Bought the farm • Dead as a door nail • Answered the calling • Jesus needed him • Eternal rest • Went to be with those who went before them

6 Myths of Grieving • Don’t feel bad • Replace the loss • Grieve alone • Be strong • Keep busy • Time heals all wounds

These six myths take us away from the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual process of grieving.

Incomplete grief is undelivered emotional communications which might include • Apologies • Forgiveness • Undelivered emotional communication

Short Term Energy Relieving Behaviors ‘S

STERB’s • Food • Drugs • Sex • Anger • Acting out • Fantasy • Isolation • Exercise • Workaholism • Shopping

The Problems with STERB’s • They appear to work • They are short-term • They do not remove the cork jamming the tea kettle

“Completion is the action of discovering and communicating directly or indirectly, the undelivered emotions which attach to any relationship that changes.”

When children and adults complete the process of grieving they • Deal with both the negative and positive aspects of the relationship • Hold on to sadness but end the pain • Remember the loved one the way he or she knew them in life • Express what needs to be said so it is no longer trapped inside • Say goodbye to the physical relationship while holding on to the emotional and spiritual relationship

“Grief Recovery is rediscovering what it is that is your nature to be so that you need not be in conflict with it anymore.”

Bob Brinker Parent and Community Education Specialist brinkerb@fswp.org

Helping Children and Families Deal with Grief and Loss