How to Talk With Adults

1. How to Talk With Adults What to say when you don’t know how to say it.

2. Some teens may find themselves disagreeing with, or clashing with their parents or other adult. Others keep their opinions suppressed because they don't want to upset a parent or other authority figure. All of these changes can feel confusing. So how can you make sure your voice is not only heard but listened to?

3. Keep the Lines of Communication Open • The best tool you can use in communicating with parents — or any adult — is to keep talking to them. Strong relationships depend on keeping the lines of communication open (think of your close friends and how much you talk). Try to talk about everyday stuff with your parents as a way of building a connection. That doesn't mean telling them everything. In fact, turn the focus onto them for a change: Ask about their day — just as they do with you.

4. "Disagree without disrespect." • Adults are only human, and can feel offended when their views are challenged. They can take a disagreement personally. So what can you do to get your points across in a way that doesn't turn ugly? Remember this motto: "Disagree without disrespect."

5. Using respectful language and behavior in your everyday interactions • Resist the temptation to use sarcasm, yell, or put down adults and you'll have a much better chance of getting what you want.

6. Nonverbal actions reinforce respectful language and show that you mean what you say. • If you're helpful and considerate toward adults in your everyday actions, it demonstrates respect and helps establish a foundation for those times when you may disagree. Acting respectfully demonstrates maturity. Adults are more likely to think of you as grown up — and, as a result, more willing to listen to your point of view — when they see you acting maturely.

7. How to Disagree With Adults • Of course, some adults are better than others at communicating. Adults can help by listening to and respecting a teen's point of view, even if it opposes their own. If they just don't seem to be on the same track as you, try these tips for disagreeing constructively:

8. Don't make it personal. • If you get upset, try to remember you're mad at the idea or concept your parent or another adult is raising, not the person. • Avoid putting down your parents' ideas and beliefs. Instead of saying "That's a stupid idea," try "I don't agree, and here's why."

9. Use "I" statements: • to communicate how you feel, what you think, and what you want or need. Using "you" statements can sound argumentative. For example, telling your mom or dad, "You always remind me about my chores on Wednesdays when you know I have a lot of homework" has a very different tone from "I'm feeling pressured because I have a lot of homework tonight. Can I do those chores tomorrow?"

10. Listen to the other point of view. • Doing so makes it more likely that a parent or adult will listen to yours.

11. Raising Difficult Issues • Someone in your group has been arrested for shoplifting. Your best friend tried to commit suicide: There are times when you'll need help from an adult — if you are having trouble dealing with a difficult experience. • Raising sensitive topics can be difficult. Teens who have built good communication habits with adults will have an easier time talking to them about the tough issues.

12. Here are some strategies for approaching your parents (or any adult) with a difficult issue:

13. Plan what you want to say ahead of time. • Thinking the issue over beforehand or writing notes will help you manage the conversation. • Write down the three most important things you want your parents to know • You may also want to think about how your parents might react and plan the most effective response.

14. Let them know directly that there's something you'd like to discuss. • To be sure you have their full attention, be direct in your language. Say, "There's something important I want to talk to you about" Of course, if the issue you have is an emergency, you'll need to address your concern quickly. Prepare them for the conversation by telling them you need their attention on something that's urgent.

15. Pick a good time to talk. • Try to approach them at a time when you know they'll be less busy and more able to focus on you. You may even want to ask if they could set aside an hour or so to talk at a particular time so that you know you have their undivided attention. • Write it down. Some people find it easier to put their ideas into a letter. Let the other person read it and then have your discussion.

16. Communication Tips for the Classroom • As soon as you start getting confused, alert your teacher. ASK LOTS OF QUESTIONS--OR AT LEAST AS MANY AS IT TAKES FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND A CONCEPT FULLY!!

17. Chances are if you have a question, somebody else has the same one! • Don’t think that you’re bothering a teacher or slowing down a class by asking a question: you’re in school to learn. As a student, THAT IS YOUR JOB!! Teachers are in school to communicate important information in ways that you can understand: IT’S THEIR JOB!! So if anybody asks, you’re just doing your job! Duh.

18. Communication Tips for the Classroom • Ask teachers if you can stay after school for some extra help, too. You can even think of getting a tutor. Being organized is the easiest way to stay on top of schoolwork.

19. Opening the Lines of Communication • If you want to be treated like an adult, then you have to act like one. People will ignore you if you throw tantrums. Don’t be accusatory--no matter how wrong you may know they are. This means addressing problems in the following format (which is great for negotiating with adults or addressing any problem or confrontational situation):

20. Negotiation Format • "I feel (insert emotion here) when/that you (insert action here) because (your reasons). Please (insert what you want to happen here)." Example: "I feel upset that you gave me a B+ on this paper because I worked very hard on it and think I deserve an A.Would you please reconsider this grade or at least tell me what I can change next time to get an A?"

21. Responsible Communication • Tell your teachers ahead of schedule if you know you’re going to be absent. Also, ask if you can stay after class to catch up on what you have missed.

22. Remember: Approach you parents/teacher/counselor at a time when you think they are open to listening to you. • Don’t ask them when they are rushing out the door. Say “Ms./Mr.. Jones), I have something really important to discuss with you." You won’t be able to get everything you want, but you’ll feel better knowing that you tried your very best. And just like the Lotto “Hey--you never know." unless you try, that is. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Good Luck!

23. “The End”