A little list of things to avoid.

1. A little list of things to avoid. Or...things that will annoy your examiner. And me.

2. Formality problems.

3. Being too informal The examiner isn’t your friend. They don’t want to be your friend. They have enough friends. Well, maybe they don’t. But your essay isn’t the time to converse with them.

4. “Shocking” “The story” (use plot or narrative) “THREE” “sort of” “Let’s take a look at” “For starters”

5. Don’t take it too far though... Over-formality is just as bad.

6. This is impenetrable nonsense. • If one examines subtextual objectivism, one is faced with a choice: either accept neotextual capitalist theory or conclude that the goal of the poet is social comment. Lacan uses the term ‘capitalist conceptualism’ to denote not discourse, but neodiscourse. However, the characteristic theme of Brophy’s[1] analysis of neotextual capitalist theory is a self-referential whole. • The primary theme of the works of Spelling is the fatal flaw, and subsequent collapse, of pretextualnarrativity. The premise of dialectic theory states that consciousness is unattainable, given that subtextual objectivism is valid. Thus, in Models, Inc., Spelling reiterates the postcultural paradigm of narrative; inMelrose Place, however, he analyses neotextual capitalist theory.

7. Writing in the past tense. Write about the literature in the present tense, active voice.

8. Some examples. Nails down a blackboard Grinning examiner • Shakespeare made Macbeth increasingly evil • The setting is made to look creepy. • Mrs Tilscher can be seen as... • Duror was disgusted by Calum’s deformity • Shakespeare makes Macbeth increasingly evil. • Shakespeare makes the setting creepy • Duffy presents Mrs Tilscher as.... • Calum’s deformity disgusts Duror.

9. Putting yourself into the essay This is a cold-headed examination of an academic topic. You should analyse, not opine. If it’s important enough to say, it doesn't need your personality attached to it. If your point needs your personality to make it relevant, then it’s not a good point. The only place for any personality is the conclusion, when, if you’ve done a brilliant job, you can put two sentences in which demonstrate a personal connection with the text. But be prepared for me to take a red pen through it.

10. “In my opinion...” “I found (blah) important because...” “I’d like to discuss...” “I feel that...” “I think that...” “I liked...” It’s not a lower school book report.

11. Getting the basics wrong. Nothing says ‘fail’ as eloquently basic errors.

12. Author names. William Shakespeare. Robin Jenkins Carol Ann Duffy Norman MacCaig Can’t spell the first name? Can’t remember it? Use their surname alone, without Mr/Mrs/Ms.

13. Character names. Duror Calum Macbeth, not MacBeth

14. Genre confusion. Macbeth = Drama Carol Ann Duffy’s work = Poetry The Cone Gatherers = Prose. If you’re confused, use ‘the text.’ But the examiner will know you’re confused, and so will I.

15. Flattering the author. We all know Shakespeare was clever. You don’t need to tell us this. Tell us what they do, instead.

16. COMMA SPLICES There are literally no words which adequately convey how annoying these are.

17. Maybe some pictures will help.

19. Or, to put it differently...