Issues in supporting direct contact

1. Issues in supporting direct contact Prof Beth Neil Research in Practice Change project

2. The ‘Supporting Direct Contact’ Study (Neil et al, 2011) Aim: To explore the experience of complex direct contact after adoption and associated support services Interview sample: • Birth relatives (N=39: 19 birthmothers; 2 birthfathers; 9 grandparents; 7 adult siblings; 2 ‘others’ ) • Adoptive parents (N=55: 51 mothers; 4 fathers) • Almost all cases were of children adopted from care (mean age at placement 3.7 years; at time of study 9.2 years)

3. Defining ‘complex’ contact in the study • Face-to-face meetings between child and birth family member/s • Agency involvement in managing the contact • ‘Most difficult’ contact scenario for each family

4. What is complex about direct contact?

5. Personal meetings in impersonal circumstances

6. Most contact meetings were: • Infrequent and short with no exchange of identifying details • Held in ‘official’ or public places • Attended by a professional worker • Adults rarely meet outside of contact Maybe if I went to their house it might be different. I’d probably get to know them better. But I only see them once a year…we won’t be close

7. What do workers do in contact meetings? • A benign presence • Inspection and correction • Helping meetings to start and end on time • Making contact comfortable physically and psychologically • Building relationships and helping interactions

8. I wasn’t sure [about the worker being there] initially…whether they’d be completely hawk-eyed over the whole meeting….but it turned out OK…she was very, very nice – she was just there to make sure the boys were ok. She helped me relate to the boys It feels restricted. You’ve got eyes on you all the time and you feel you can’t be normal

9. Highly charged emotions

10. Children’s reactions to contact We told him that morning that he would see [his brother] and he was so excited…. He ran into his brother’s arms and they hit it off right away. He goes through anger and he goes through excitement all in one and they can come out very aggressively Like going to the dentist

11. Adoptive parent reports of children’s feelings • Excitement – “she’s like a miniature volcano” • Sadness when meetings end – “he hates goodbyes” • Difficult memories stirred up – “it’s like opening up a wound” • Behaviour afterwards – “there was very big fallout”: • Withdrawal • Becoming clingy • Anger and difficult/defiant behaviour

12. Key practice challenge

13. Adoptive parents’ emotions • Worrying about the child • Feeling sad for birth relative • Feeling angry with birth relative • A reminder of the child’s connection to another family I get a little bit anxious about it, I don’t know why… it’s probably the fact that it is reiterating that I’m not his birth mum.

14. Birth relatives’ feelings • Excitement and joy at seeing child • Anxiety about how the meeting will go • Sadness both at leaving child and feeling the relationship diminishing • Feelings about the child having another family

15. Birth relatives’ emotions The contact is so we don’t lose touch but I feel as if I am losing them more and more to the adoptive parents The first contact we had, it was like trying to swallow a big bullet to say ‘your mummy and your daddy’. But now it is how I think of them even inside my head. The only thing that’s bad… about contact with any of them is the leaving… the end. It’s just leaving them and going off

16. Strangers and relatives: negotiating relationships

17. Relationships between adults • Not knowing each other but being intimately connected • Managing feelings about the ‘other’ family • Differences in lifestyle • Developing trust and mutual acceptance

18. Relationships between children and their birth relatives • Siblings: differences in age, placement, history • Not having up to date knowledge of the child and fear of overstepping boundaries (birth relative perspective) • Lack of ability to relate appropriately to child (adoptive parent perspective)

19. She has got quite a rapport with him…she does come down to his level, she’ll get down on the ground and play a game and he will enjoy that. Sometimes mum and dad overpower her and want to pick her up and want to touch her and she backs off, because she doesn’t always remember who they are. The children were running about and doing different things and you felt as if the [adoptive] family was the family and you were the outsiders. (birth grandmother)

20. Control and power issues

21. Risk, boundaries and confidentiality About one third of adoptive parents were concerned about risks or boundaries: • Disclosing confidential information • Psychological and physical harm • Some birth relatives felt they were perceived as a risk rather than a resource

22. Who is in control? Getting the right balance You are frightened to death of breaking the rules Agency in control We wanted it to be taken out of our hands Adopters in control I know my child and what works for her

23. The influence of the agency She doesn’t handle [birth mum] as well as she should…it needs to be more gentle I feel that birth mum has too much say in contact…if she doesn’t get her way somebody suffers It’s like a prison visit – you can’t do this, you can’t do that… Its really good to understand what the boundaries are so you don’t over step those boundaries.

24. Control issues – what works? • When adoptive parents feel in control • And where birth relatives respect adoptive parents right to be in control • And where adoptive parents are willing to share some aspects of control with birth family • And where the agency supports adoptive parents if they need this

25. In what ways did agencies support contact? • Coordination and administration • Relationship building • Protecting or promoting interests • Reviewing and planning • Emotional/ therapeutic support

26. What support did people receive?

27. Administrated contact • Charlene, age 11, sees her birth mum for 2.5 hours once a year. Meetings held at contact centre – adopters are present. Agency phones adopters and birth mum to arrange the date. Agency books and pays for the room. Cheapest option, suitable when: • Risks are low and manageable by adopters • Adopters and birth relatives can manage their own, and child's feelings – or have other support systems to help manage these • Satisfaction with support not high: could this be stepping stone to self managed contact?

28. Facilitated contact • Tyson, age 21, meets his 4 year old adopted brother Noah twice a year at the park. The support worker liaises with the adoptive parents about date and venue. The support worker prepares Tyson, e.g. by talking through his questions for the adopters and helping chose a present for Noah. He takes Tyson to the contact. Second cheapest option, suitable when: • Risks on the day are low, but contact is emotionally complex for one or more parties. Satisfaction with this model was high.

29. Supervised and facilitated contact • Derren, age 12, and his two younger siblings meet their birth mum once a year at a contact centre. The adoptive parents and the worker are at the contact. The worker arranges the date, rings the adopters the next day to get feedback and visits them three months later to review. Most expensive model, suitable when: • Risks are high or adopter/birth relative resources are low • And/or one or more parties need support during the meeting • In some cases could be a step on way to unsupervised meetings • Satisfaction with support moderately high.

30. Supervised contact Davey, age 7, sees his birth mother once a year for an hour at a family centre. His adoptive mum goes with him and a worker is there ‘in the background’. The worker provides transport for birth mum. Apart from a phone call to fix the date, adopters have no contact with the worker. • Similar costs to ‘supervised and facilitated’, but families were far less satisfied with support • Although some people valued a worker ‘in the background, just in case’ we queried whether this type of contact was ever suitable

31. Letterbox contact: complexities • Writing to someone you’ve never met (or barely know) • What to call each other? (what to call child – if name changes); what to include/exclude? • Limited potential to discuss ‘why did the adoption happen’? • Typed or handwritten? ‘Proper’ photos or computer printed photos? • Feelings about having a third party read letter “that’s what they do with prisoners” • Notification when letter is ‘wrong’ but lack of help to do it ‘right’ • Letters crossing over; long time gaps

32. Levels of information exchange • Communication between adopters and birth family • Communication between adopters and child • Communication between child and birth family • Communication between agency and all other parties

33. 3 Adoptive family to birth family contact through letters 2 1

34. Initial meetings helped letterbox to succeed, but… • When should meetings be held? • Which relatives should be invited? • What are the aims, and do these differ case by case? • If and how should we get reluctant adoptive parents and birth relatives to come to a meeting? • How do we prepare and support people before, during and after meetings? • What is the role of the professional during the meeting?

35. Implications for practice • Contact support services need to address the individual needs of all parties • Contact support services should consider a systemic perspective focusing on relationships • Consider the dynamic nature of contact • Awareness of attitudes, values and assumptions • Thinking about how the structure of contact impacts on the experience

36. Further details of this study www.adoptionresearchinitative.org.uk www.uea.ac.uk/swk/research e.neil@uea.ac.uk Neil, E., Cossar, J., Jones, C., Lorgelly, P. and Young (2011) “Supporting direct contact after adoption” London: BAAF.