FAMILIES

1. FAMILIES How To Manage Problem Behavior Brandy A Coffee Marks, M.Ed., D.R.S. Biblical Counselor & Ordained Minister www.brandyancoffee.net

2. FAMILY ATMOSPHERE

3. Atmosphere of Family The atmosphere of your family home contributes highly to behavior problems in children. So, let’s take a look first at parental behaviors that can create problem behaviors in children. Remember, try to be honest with yourself even if what you see is painful and you disagree. Don’t blame yourself or others for the problems, instead, use the information to create change.

4. Atmosphere of Family • What is the general atmosphere in your family? • Discouraged where there are lots of problems and family members feel angry or anxious • Encouraged where there are pleasant behaviors and family members feel happy or hopeful

5. Beliefs when Discouraged • PARENT CHILD • Over protect relies on others more than they rely on their own self • Over indulge behaves irresponsible; seems that they do not care for others • Rejecting feels you don’t care about them; may behave uncaring toward you • Controlling engages in power struggles; may become overly independent

6. Beliefs when Discouraged • PARENT CHILD • Permissive doesn’t seem to care about others • Too rigid feels discouraged about their own ability to succeed • Pitying feels sorry for themselves; and become pitying toward others • Discipline feels lack of trust toward others; Inconsistent and believes life is unfair

7. Beliefs when Discouraged • PARENT CHILD • Discouraged becomes cynical about life and people and very pessimistic • Deny feelings learns to cover up their feelings or deny their anger & frustrations • Competition tends to be anxious, tries to be the “best worst”; and is afraid to try unless success is guaranteed

8. Beliefs when Encouraged • PARENTCHILD • Independent self-reliant and interacts with others • Respectful has behavior that is responsible • Acceptance develops positive self-worth • Equality appreciates their self and others

9. Beliefs when Encouraged • PARENT CHILD • Is Fair has a sense of justice for everyone • Realistic sets realistic goals; believes in self • Confidence believes in their ability to succeed • Discipline trusts self and others; sees life as fair Consistent

10. Beliefs when Encouraged • PARENT CHILD • Encouraged optimistic about life and can see the possibilities/potential • Feelings Expresses and is not afraid of their own or the feelings of others • Cooperation has varied social interests. Shares in give and take, new experiences and accepts consequences of choices

11. PROBLEM SOLVING STRATEGIES This section is used mainly for when you’re having a family meeting to resolve family issues, not individual. Dealing with individual issues will be discussed later.

12. Problem Solve • ASK YOURSELF . . . • What was the situation? • What did I do in response? • What changed in situation/person? • What could I do different next time? • What did I learn from the experience?

13. The situation • What, where, when and who was present? • What: family meeting • Where: we were at home • When: Wednesday after dinner • Who: all four of us were present: myself, my wife, both daughters

14. Specific event • We were discussing how to handle the meeting when it turned into an argument • Mary wanted to talk about her friends • Aliesha wanted to talk about her school • My wife looked angry; never said anything • I wanted it to be fun; it turned into a battle.

15. To React or To Respond • A reaction is emotional and often unreasonable. • A response is usually thoughtful and reasonable. • Reaction: I blew up and yelled at the kids and sent them to their rooms. • Response: I listened to what each one said, and decided if we took things in order we would have time to hear everyone.

16. What changed? • I noticed a change in • Reaction: Nothing changed; both kids went to their room and my wife and I argued about whose fault it was. • Response: We had a discussion. Nothing was settled, but we each felt like we had been heard and that felt great.

17. What could be done? • Next time I could • Reaction: I could listen to each person so they each have a say in the situation. • Response: I could resolve at least one problem and not leave it hanging.

18. What did I learn? • I learned • Reaction: I learned that an emotional reaction to an argument settles nothing • Response: I learned that taking time to listen and respond calmly could make a big difference

19. Understanding Now you understand the difference between reacting and responding to a situation. Understanding the “why” of difficult behavior often motivates us to change our ways.

20. Attention Behavior Clown around; minor mischief; wear unique clothing; forget their responsibilities (homework, other) You Feel or React by . . . Annoyed and remind or coax them to “go and do it.” Instead . . . Don’t give attention for poor behavior; later, give a hug when not acting out or ask, “What is it you need?” This way they don’t learn to act out to get attention.

21. Power and Control Behavior Aggressive, defy, disobey, hostile, stubborn, resistant You Feel or React by . . . Get angry; feel provoked. Fight “fire with fire”; give in Instead . . . Do not give attention by fighting or giving in to them. Give choices and remain calm and reasonable.

22. Revenge Behavior Hurtful, rude, destructive, they stare hurtfully at you You Feel or React by . . . Deeply hurt by their behavior; may retaliate to get even Instead . . . Don’t take it personal; don’t retaliation; set firm limits; and give them reasonable choices

23. Inadequacy Behavior Quits easily, avoid trying, truant, drop out of school, use drugs to escape feelings of inadequacy You Feel or React by . . . Despair, feel hopeless. Agree that they are hopeless Instead . . . Give and let them make choices; show confidence in their ability to make responsible choices

24. Problem Prevention IMPORTANT: Once the difficult behavior has been dealt with, return to the first ‘Instead’ and give the person the needed attention – love -- 2-3 Xs a day when they are not acting out! Give them a smile or a hug and say something nice “You look like you’re enjoying yourself” – etc. One or all of these types of response can help to prevent future behavior problems.

25. DEALING WITH DISCIPLINE

26. Problem Prevention • We all need attention. Attention = Love • Give people/ children needed time and attention: a few minutes, 3 or 4 Xs a day. • Space it throughout the day • Before and right after school/work • Afternoon/evening resolve issues • and at bedtime; prayer and praise • Week-ends have time together with ALL of you as a family.

27. PROBLEM SESSION • THE FOLLOWING are suggestions for managing problems when they come up. • One for one plan • one person at a time • one problem at a time • one step at a time until resolved

28. Parent-Child Plan • Discussion and Goal Setting • Discuss to understand expectations • Planned practice of behavior, if needed • Self-monitor and taking responsibility • Daily discussion for praise and prayer • Time management; buddy system for children

29. THE PLAN Remember . . . • Keep it super simple • Handle one person at a time • and one problem at a time and • Never complain or explain yourself (you do not need to apologize or placate). • Instead . . .

30. 1. BE PREPARED • Know what you want to discuss, then stick with what you decide on. • Don't let them change the focus on you • Stick with the topic under discussion and be firm about what you have to say • Speak with authority (confidence), not anger or arrogance (selfish pride)

31. 2. THE PROBLEM • State your view on the problem • Describe their behavior only “I saw or heard you … when I was..." • Describe how you felt at the time “When I see/hear .… it seems like ….“ • Never start out with “You always … etc.” • They may deny or try to confuse the issue by blaming you for the problem

32. 3. LISTEN • Listen to what they have to say • Do not interrupt until they are finished • Don't say one word to defend yourself if they accuse you of whatever • Be honest and fair, but don't excuse their behavior, or what you may have done • Paraphrase to clarify for understanding (repeat in your own words what you heard)

33. 4. CIRCUMSTANCES Consider unusual situations without using it to excuse their behavior • there may have been a change in events that were beyond their control • they didn't have had enough information or skills to do the task • they may have had personal problems that created excess stress

34. 5. ALTERNATIVES • Look for a solution for both of you • Ask them to help you find a solution • Honestly consider their ideas • Paraphrase what they have to say for greater clarity and understanding • Ask them to paraphrase what they hear so they know they understand you

35. 6. AGREEMENT • Strive to agree on a solution • Put it in writing and both of you sign it • You may have to negotiate some things to reach a mutual agreement • However, never compromise your values! • Be sure it's something you both agree on

36. 7. A PLAN • Once you reach an agreement • Design a plan of action • How will it get done? • Who will do what? • What will happen if either of you don't do your part (the consequences)?

37. 8. VISUALIZE • Be sure both of you know the outcome when the task is accomplished. Ask: “What is the plan?” “What will you do?” “How will you do it?” Apples and strawberries may both be red, but they are also very different fruits.

38. 9. FOLLOW UP • Follow up and • Be sure everything is done as agreed. • This simply makes good sense and • it builds trust as well. • They will know you care enough to give the situation your valuable time and energy

39. 10. CONSEQUENCES • Discuss penalty if task is not done. • Decide ahead and write it down, then • Be sure you follow through here as well. • With adults, ideally, this is not an issue, depending on the person. • But in abuse situations the penalty for not following through might be police action

40. NEXT Let’s look at a plan designed for change

41. BEHAVIOR PLAN • 1. Describe problem and/or behavior. • Clothes lay about _______. Attitude/behavior is ______ • 2. Be specific about problem (what, when, where) • Daily ________ needs reminding to pick up clothes, etc.. • 3. Describe acceptable behavior you agree on • Clothes are picked up daily before _________________ • 4. Consequences for behavior that goes unchanged • (Child) No friends over, and loses ______ for __ hrs/days

42. WRITTEN AGREEMENT • Date ________ Name _________________________ • 1. I will increase positive behavior by ________________. • 2. I will appropriately ask for needed help by__________. • 3. I will manage conflict by ______ instead of ________. • 4. I won't disturb others, or do anything designed to get negative attention for myself. • Signed _________________/_________________

43. OTHER Goals for Improvement • Talk with the person and write one goal per line • Use the behavior improvement plan for a child • Have the child work on the goals one at a time • You can use this for your own personal goals! • When we try to take on too much at once, often we feel overwhelmed, fail and stop trying. • So, take things slow and give yourself a break.

44. RATING SCALE 1 = needs help 2 = some progress 3 = improved 4 = much improved 5 = well done Child / Parent Morning 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5 Afternoon 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5 Evening 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5 1. Goal 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5 2. Goal 1 2 3 4 5 / 1 2 3 4 5 Discuss daily. Share conflicts with counselor

45. STRATEGIES LIST • CONSEQUENCES the PARENTS GIVE • HOW FAMILY MEMBERS CAN HELP • AND • HOW CHILDREN CAN PLAY A PART

46. STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS Consequences given by the parents: Verbal reprimand Time Outs Financial Restitution Behavior Plan Child Writes Plan Restrict Privileges Unpleasant Work Home Confinement

47. Family Members Response • Discussion • Practice Behavior • Weekly Conference • Support Person • Teach Social Skills • Skill Training • Positive Self-talk • Interact with those • in Authority • Goal Setting • Write a Contract • Daily Debrief /w child • Tutor (school tasks) • Have Healthy Friends • Relax & visualization • Video for self-image • Encourage Parents • who need it too

48. Manage Difficult Behavior Years ago, I worked for a mental health facility that dealt with violent youth offenders. These boys were taught needed behavior change through consistent care employed on a daily basis. The following methods were used successfully with these young men to modify their behavior.

49. CONSEQUENCES Natural & Logical SituationConsequence • 1. Late going to bed Tired next morning • 2. Radio not turned Loss of radio 24 hrs • 3. Swear, aggressive Request redirect self or lose privileges • 4. Negative Activity Lose activity for 24 hr • 5. Not do their chores No friends over or visitors; not go outside until done

50. Give them a Choice • "You can turn down the radio right now, or lose it for the next 24 hours." • "You can stop watching that show now or lose the television for the next 24 hours." • "You can do chores or stay inside without your friends until the chores are done." • “You can go outside with your friends after the kitchen (or other chores) are done.