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The Power of Parents

The Power of Parents. Presented by:. Diana Browning Wright Diagnostic Center, Southern California. Diagnostic Centers California Department of Education. Diagnostic Center, South 4339 State University Drive Los Angeles, CA 90032 (323) 222-8090 www.dcs-cde.ca.gov. Who am I?.

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The Power of Parents

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  1. The Power of Parents Presented by: Diana Browning Wright Diagnostic Center, Southern California

  2. Diagnostic CentersCalifornia Department of Education • Diagnostic Center, South • 4339 State University Drive • Los Angeles, CA 90032 • (323) 222-8090 • www.dcs-cde.ca.gov

  3. Who am I?

  4. P E N T

  5. And who are you?

  6. Agenda for this Evening • Review reinforcement and punishment principles---How to get your child to do what you want using positive techniques • Informal conversation on topics of your choice

  7. Parents Are Powerful Why? • We are the most significant socializing agents in our child’s early environment • We teach how to “behave” and “misbehave” • Our appropriate responses teach • Our inappropriate responses teach as well! But not what we had in mind!

  8. Grounding Principle • NO technique will work if we don’t genuinely loveour child AND our child absolutely believes that we do. • Parents must show they love their child or no techiques will work!

  9. “I like you just the way you are!” The Rogers Boys “Unconditional positive regard” Carl Fred and

  10. Are you a dog person? Some of our children are like eager puppies

  11. Or are you a cat person? Some of our children are like cats!

  12. Children who behave like cats in school and at family gatherings….

  13. Your current teen with attitude…

  14. was once….. And still needs your loving support

  15. Let’s go over some simple facts about behavior. We don’t need a complicated instruction manual

  16. Behavior • Is Learned… He didn’t inherit it from another family member

  17. Behavior • When it is reinforced… It tends to occur more often • Physical touch, praise, privileges, attention from desired persons, self-satisfaction

  18. Behavior • When it is ignored… It tends to occur less often if no reinforcement is received—if nothing is received or removed by this behavior • But beware of all sources of reinforcement!

  19. Store Behavior Example • If you give Billy undivided attention for screaming in the store, or worse yet, a toy…he will scream regularly in stores • If you give Billy no reinforcement, it will occur less often

  20. Behavior • Is regulated by its consequences… • It will occur frequently if a person gets something desired, or gets rid of something undesired after the behavior is used

  21. Using Positives with Our Children • Be sincere. Watch your: • Body • Tone of voice • Eye contact Not this!

  22. Children Learn What We Demonstrate Not this!

  23. Using Positives with Our Children • Be specific • Describe exactly the behavior you liked This is Carl and Fred!

  24. Using Positives with Our Children • Get excited! • Don’t save all your emotion for when you are mad about a behavior This is Carl and Fred!

  25. Using Positives with Our Children • Praise abundantly • There is no maximum if you are sincere! This is Carl and Fred!

  26. Praise That Impacts Behavior • Touch your child if s/he likes it • Get eye contact on child level, not looking down • Use your relaxed voice • Smile, lean forward • State what you like in short, specific, clear language appropriate to the child’s age • E.g. “Good listening!”; “It feels good to be listened to”; “Thanks for Listening” Praise as soon after the behavior as you can

  27. Praise That Flops • Non-specific • Too superficial • Too flip, no eye contact • Not linked to what was done • “You are all so great” • “Good boy” • “Great work” • “You are terrific” Carl and Fred Know Better!

  28. Using Positives with Our Children • Once is not enough • New behaviors especially take time • Don’t get discouraged! • Remember the power of the unexpected powerful reinforcer • Intermittent reinforcement creates lasting change This is Carl and Fred!

  29. My Mother’s Strategy • An example of the power of “Intermittent Reinforcement” This is Carl and Fred!

  30. Advanced Strategy • Step by Step, Inch by Inch • Don’t wait for the whole behavior • Break it down! • Mike, good looking at me • Now put on your shirt. • You picked it up. Good listening! • Now over your head. Both arms in the holes • It’s over your shoulders. Good! • Now pull down. Great! You have it on! This is Carl and Fred!

  31. Mixed Messages • Praise, but take it away with • your tone of voice, • a negative word thrown in, • going on too long, • adding expectations, • discounting an achievement • or dragging the past or the future into the praise This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  32. Poor Parenting • “Expects good behavior” • Doesn’t provide praise and celebrate • Waits until they’re misbehaving and punishes harshly • At other times, ignores the same behavior that was harshly punished before This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  33. Mixed Messages • Praise, but take it away with • your tone of voice, • a negative word thrown in, • going on too long, • adding expectations, • discounting an achievement • or dragging the past or the future into the praise This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  34. Drag into the Past • Good work! You are FINALLY done! This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  35. Discount andDrag into the Past • “I KNEW you could do it if you applied yourself! This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  36. Too Long • I’m so proud of you. Daddy loves it when you use the potty on your own. Daddy is soooo happy. Thank you for going and listening to Mommy and Daddy and obeying Daddy…… This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  37. Dragging into the future and adding another expectation • I am pleased you passed your test today at school. Do you think you can do better tomorrow and get all your work done too? This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  38. Adding Expectations • You made your bed nicely, but look at the floor and in your closet! This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  39. Discounting andReminding of the Past • Thank you for doing the dishes. Now that wasn’t so bad was it? They weren’t that hard to do! This isn’t Carl and Fred!

  40. Summary • Genuine Praise is a Powerful Tool • Praise correctly used is the best way to teach our children what we want them to know and do This is the message of Carl and Fred!

  41. Problems in Using Punishment • Punishment tends to be more connected to the emotions of adults than to the behavior of children • If we punish when we are mad, the child sees the frightening display and focuses on the adult, not on his/her behavior

  42. Problems in Using Punishment • Punishment may be teaching a child to rely on external controls of behavior rather than on one’s own value system • Punishment ALWAYS has two side effects: FLIGHT and FIGHT • Punishment strains relationships

  43. Problems in Using Punishment • Punishment often doesn’t provide enough information about desirable alternatives

  44. Problems in Using Punishment • Punishment tends to be more connected to the emotions of adults than to the behavior of children • If we punish when we are mad, the child sees the frightening display and focuses on the adult, not on his/her behavior

  45. Problems in Using Punishment • Punishment often generates aggressive reactions • Beware the “kick the dog” phenomena; the punished inflicts punishment on younger, weaker available targets

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