“Do you have any children?” “No. (Laughs) I’m sure of that.”

“Do you have any children?” “No. (Laughs) I’m sure of that.” Identity work from older childless people Dr Jill Reynolds BPS Social Psychology Conference Cambridge, September 2011

Research questions • How do childless older people make sense of their relationships, social networks, absorbing interests and their social and emotional needs? • Are patterns of sense-making of experience distinctive in gendered ways?

Qualitative data from existing datasets • 80 interviews men and women over 65 years (UKDA 5237, Bowling, A. Adding Quality to Quantity: Quality of Life in Older Age, 2000-2002) of whom 14 had no children (9F:5M) • 85 interviews men over 65 years (UKDA 6011 Arber, S. and Davidson, K., Older Men: their Social Worlds and Healthy Lifestyles, 1999-2002of whom 15 had no children

Identifying a self-narrative: my assumptions • an individual's account of the relationship among several self relevant events across time. In developing a self-narrative we establish coherent connections among life events. (Gergen, K.J. 1994: 187) • Not one single story waiting to be brought out. • Narratives shaped to the purpose of that telling. • Discontinuities, multiple pathways rather than developmental stages • Canonical narratives (Bruner,1991) culturally available plots (Mishler, 1999) • Talk rhetorical within the larger argumentative context of the culture (Billig, 1987)

Narratives of grandparenting • Most respondents who were parents produced some self-narrative in describing life events. • Often these focused on children or grandchildren, perhaps talking about frequency of visits or of caring help they received. • In the all male dataset, most bring up children or grandchildren themselves without waiting to be asked. • Co-construction of excellence of having children nearby. • Many parents mention children or grandchildren in response to what makes them most happy, while nearly half refer to family on ‘the good things that give life quality’.

Patterns in narratives of non-parents – women • Most happy – seeing someone, friend, brother, feeling well, being alive, little things • Widows show some accounting in response to whether they have children • Two widows talk of neighbours’ children as family and one of dog as ‘my baby’ • Those women who do not talk of marriage are likely to talk of being happy with own company

Variable accounts of no children 050 f R: Yes, it’s the only home I’ve had, married home, (I: Mm.) Lived with my mum for a little while, (I:Mm-hm.) You know, cause things were hard just after the war, you know, you couldn’t get anywhere, and, um, families had priority for council property, you see, we didn’t have any children, didn’t want any.(I: Mm.)But sadly we never did have any children because we were getting settled and then he was killed, you see. (I: Mm.) So missed out on a family. I: OK – and if we talk about your quality of life now,

Grandparenting neighbours’ children 021 f R: (laughs) But I do – I’ll tell you one thing I love in life, and that is – I love cats and dogs – I love cats and dogs, and I love children. (I: Mm.) I think the children – I love – my neighbours next door, they’ve got lots of grandchildren and I share ’em. (I: Oh!) Yeah, it’s lovely. I shared all their children, and, and the son – that little girl sitting on my lap there is (I: Uh-huh.) Is their little girl A, and she’s a lovely little girl, she comes in every weekend to see me. (I: Mm.) Lovely little girl.

Happy with own company 028 f I: You've spoken about how you'd like someone to come and see you (mmhmm) A social worker, is there anything else which would make the quality of your life better? R: No, I don't think so, I quite happy how I am. I: Okay. (short pause) Is there anything which would make the quality of your life worse? R: (short pause) Well, I suppose loneliness makes it worse, doesn't it, really? Although I don't mind my own company.

Patterns in narratives of non-grandparents – men • Family question meets some accounting from widowers, or protestations of being a bachelor • One married man talks of being ‘grandma and grandad’ to neighbours’ children • Less self-narrative, questions often met with factual, abstract answers • Co-construction of male identity as desirable • New living together relationship of 18 months (70+) • Bachelors often say happy with own company • Happiness in terms of relationships – friends’ successes, marriage

Accounting for no children 025 m I: Uh-huh. OK - and have you got any children? R: No children, none at all - been married for 52 years. I: OK, that's fine - I won't ask you too many questions. R: No, go on, you fire away, I'll be alright. I: (laughs) OK. Um - what, what do you think of when you hear the words quality of life?

Accounting for singleness 045 m I: OK – what would make the quality of your life better? R: (pause) Well of course I’m a single chap and I’m too old for it, for getting married sort of now to make it better, you see, but I’ve got, cause I’ve got friends, lady friends and that. (Mm-hm.) So I can’t, I can’t go much further – I can’t really expect to (laughs) well at 83, or 84 now. (Mm-hm.) (pause) Yeah, I suppose being a, being a traveller I missed a lot in my life, but I couldn’t help it because I, I mean I started off at B, wasn’t the work, so it made me go to L for work, and that started my travelling you know, and I got to like travelling around (laughs). I: So – what did you miss because of your travelling? R: Well of course home life, yeah, missed the home life, had to come away from that.

Neighbours’ kids 025 m (1) R:(pause) Well I'm not too sure I understand - life quality to me is the simple things of life we've got. (Mm.) I've got me own things to do, watercolours, painting. (Uh-huh.) The kids live all the way round here, (laughs) we've got a load of them (clock starts to chime). No, but up until now I've got no problems, we've got our own little caravan in K, we go down to there, we've got a car, we get out and about. (Mm.) But I can't think of anything else that - you know, it's simple enough but it's happy enough. (Yeah, yeah.) It's my way of life. (Yeah) Er we've had no beefs about it, er as I say we've got good neighbours around here, very good neighbours we have a lot of fun with them. We're the grandma and granddad round here. (laughs) Er –

Neighbours’ kids (2) I: OK - and (pause) has your life changed a lot since you retired? R: Oh, yes - work a lot harder since we retired. Er (pause).[...]Well decorating is the small part of it, but we've all just got a very big garden out the back, that has to be looked after, though I'm not allowed to do much in. er - and I've got my own hobbies, watercolours. (pause) And this time of the year, cause we've got quite a lot to do for - not got to do, we've got - there is quite a lot to do for the children, we make them Christmas cards, things like that. (Mm.) They've got used to it now and expect it. Er - there seems to get one more every year. So this time of the year - well, I say this time of the year, I didn't, I started doing these way back in August, so...

Identity work as desirable still Interviewer: Have you ever been engaged. Subject: No. Interviewer: Or ever wanted to marry. Subject: No. I have been chased twice but that is all. [LAUGHS] Interviewer: Why didn't you leap what was wrong. Subject: One was over religious and the other one was married. Interviewer: Was that recently. Subject: And I was very interested in her. [LAUGHS] Interviewer: And you would never think of marrying. Subject: Not now no, it is too late, I value my freedom as it were

New relationships – 29 Interviewer: Is this your first stable relationship? Subject: Yes, it is, amazingly enough, at my age! Interviewer: May I ask how you met her, the lady? Subject: Yes. We met quite by chance. We were on holiday in Jersey and it was a quite amazing meeting. It was a SAGA singles holiday and she'd been widowed and it was her first holiday for some years and she went rather reluctantly on holiday. She was persuaded to go by her daughter and never regretted it! (Laughter) So, I think that's reasonably unique at this sort of age. Interviewer: Yes, it's very gratifying. Subject: Very gratifying, yes.

Attitude concerning children – 29 Naturally, if I'd had children, I'd have wanted a larger house, yes. Interviewer: The fact that you didn't have children, is that something which doesn't concerns you? Subject: I would have liked to, yes, looking back on it. I suppose that's my main regret that I didn't have anyone to follow me, but there you are. Interviewer: Your partner has children? Subject: She has a daughter. Interviewer And do you feel that she's part of your family? Subject: Yes. We haven't know one another all that long, but we get on very well, and there is a closeness which is building up.

Happiness as relationships Interviewer: What especially makes you happy now? Subject: Well the family has got it all together really you know all the families are doing well that’s always nice Interviewer: When you say families that’s Subject: From hers and mine are reasonably together and we have lost my sister which of course is that group’s mother but the B***** side is all right Interviewer: Nephews and nieces you’re Subject: Yes they are all reasonably near and they contact me so they are another

Conclusions • Research exploring ‘quality’ or ‘social worlds’ appears likely to draw on talk of close relationships, and having children close by is often constructed as advantage • Accounting for ‘no children’ is evident in these data from both men and women, but more likely to occur when the participant has been married • ‘Family’ is a resource that can be drawn on flexibly by all participants: it doesn’t just mean own children or grandchildren, identity work draws on close relationships. • There is some evidence of gendered presumptions regarding the social capital (relationships) of men. • There is a gap in literature on ageing regarding the experiences and strategies of those without children

Jill ReynoldsFaculty of Health & Social CareThe Open UniversityWalton HallMilton KeynesMK7 6AA www.open.ac.uk j.c.reynolds@open.ac.uk

“Do you have any children?” “No. (Laughs) I’m sure of that.”