Dealing with Those Difficult Situations

1. Dealing with Those Difficult Situations Participant Centered Care For WIC Carol Bass, IBCLC, RLC

2. What if I don’t know what to say? Caregivers often have similar reactions and fears when working with parents suffering a loss: Fear of causing additional pain or distress Feelings of guilt that they couldn’t help more Feeling overwhelmed…not knowing what to do first

3. What if I don’t know what to say? Caregivers often have similar reactions and fears when working with parents suffering a loss: Feelings of sadness and inadequacy Desire to say the right or perfect thing

4. What if I don’t know what to say? Sometimes our own fear that we won’t say or do the right thing gets in our way of providing the best service. We say or do nothing at all, or say too much…

5. What if I don’t know what to say? “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m so sorry you are going through this” Is a great place to start…and is much better than saying nothing at all

6. What if I don’t know what to say? “How are you doing?” “I don’t know what to say?” are ok too! Fewer words ,coming from the heart, may mean more than lots of words spoken with less meaning

7. Some things to remember… Individuals grieve in different ways (don’t judge) There is no right or wrong way to grieve There is no right timetable for grieving Individuals react to similar situations in very different ways Be genuine

8. Some Dos • Use Participant Centered Counseling Skills…. open ended questions: How, What, Can • Use reflective listening….Allow for some silence • Allow them to share as much or as little as they want about the situation

9. Some Dos • Do allow your genuine concern and caring to show • If you say something insensitive, acknowledge it and apologize • Do speak in a normal voice, in a warm and relaxed manner • Use open body language, make eye contact if appropriate to culture

10. Some Dos • Ask about their support system • Refer to available resources • Let them know you care • Gently redirect if necessary

11. Some Don’ts.. Give specific advice, particularly medical or legal (inadequate care, things they could have done to prevent) Don’t ask one question after another Don’t give false reassurances Don’t try to find something positive about the loss Don’t dominate the conversation

12. Some Don’ts.. Avoid trying to fix things or give direction on what he/she should do Avoid “Why questions” Avoid clichés such as… “I know how you feel” “You are still young, you can have more children” “At least you have other children” “It was God’s will, She needed another angel in heaven”

13. Some additional thoughts… WIC can be an important support service for these families….now and in the future. Improved nutrition Physical activity encouragement Screening for substance abuse, depression Referral for additional services

14. You can make a difference…… Just do it…

15. What Do you Say What do you say when a baby dies and someone says… “At least you didn’t bring it home.” What do you say when a baby is stillborn and someone says… “At least it never lived.” What do you say when a mother of three says… “Think of all the time you’ll have.” What do you say when so many say… “You can always have another…” “At least you never knew it”... “You have your whole life ahead of you”… “You have an angel in heaven”… What do you say when someone says…nothing? What do you say when someone says… “I’m sorry.” You say, with grateful tears and warm embrace, “Thank You” Kathie Mayo

16. Questions ???