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Parents

Parents. Why a father can’t be more like a mother --- and why he shouldn’t be. Presentation. JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D. Professor, Santa Clara University Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos Father of a daughter and a son “Semi-Retired soccer and little league coach. The Research.

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Parents

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  1. Parents Why a father can’t be more like a mother --- and why he shouldn’t be Presentation

  2. JERROLD LEE SHAPIRO, Ph.D. Professor, Santa Clara University Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Los Altos Father of a daughter and a son “Semi-Retired soccer and little league coach

  3. The Research Origins Scope 3 Variables

  4. Fatherhood • Quantity of time with children • Don’t ever be a “Mister Mom” • Know your own father

  5. QUANTITY OF TIME • Quality time grew out of the notion of quantity of time with children • Advantages of unstructured, “hanging-out” time with children

  6. ESCHEW BEING A SUBSTITUTE MOTHER • If a child already has a perfectly good mother, there is no need for a less qualified person to be a mother substitute. • “Mister Mom” is insulting to women and demeaning to men • What the child needs is an equally good father

  7. KNOW THY FATHER • Who was your own father? • What was his life like as a boy, a teen, a new dad? • What impact did your birth have on him? • What is the legacy you carry from your father? • What you don’t know about your own fathering, you will be destined to repeat or ignore?

  8. Mothersand Fathers are DIFFERENT

  9. What Differences do You Experience? What Differences do you see in others?

  10. FATHERS PARENT FROM THE OUTSIDE -- IN MOTHERS PARENT FROM THE INSIDE -- OUT

  11. How do moms do that?

  12. Mother’s unbreakable emotional umbilical cord

  13. When a woman picks up an infant she rolls the baby into her breasts Providing comfort, warmth and security When a man picks up a baby he hold the baby up, facing him or the world providing a sense of freedom and a shared world HOLDING

  14. Child directs the play Dad directs the play PLAYmom dad builds child’s imagination, creativity and self esteem builds a sense of teamwork, fitting into the larger world

  15. Adjusted moment by moment to reflect child’s feelings and current state stresses importance of feelings and temporary changes in situations. Allows for flexible limits Determined by rules Stresses importance of rules, social demands and sets firm limits supporting security DISCIPLINEMom Dad

  16. Sine Qua Non A safer bet than the Rams in the Super Bowl

  17. IAMMALEThereforeI DONOTMULTI-TASK

  18. The “why” is both genetic and environmental The Corpus Callosum dads have no invisible emotional umbilical cord Serial problem solving based on the life and death implications of hunting and war

  19. Time limited Bottom line first One subject at a time Shoulder to shoulder Clear expectations Primarily informational Relationship based Story first Many subjects interwoven Face-to-face Open expectations Primarily relational Gender & Communicationmen women

  20. For most menValentines Day Is experienced as National Damage Control Day

  21. TWO KEY QUESTIONS • What’s the topic? • Do you want me to listen and reflect what I am hearing or do you want me to fix a problem?

  22. IMPACT OF POOR FATHERING • FEARS OF ABANDONMENT • SEARCH FOR A ROLE MODEL • LACK OF A POSITIVE MODEL FOR MALE INTIMACY • LOWER SELF ESTEEM

  23. SONS WITHOUT FATHERS • OVER-DEPENDENCE OR DISTANT/ FEARFUL OF INTIMACY • Look to women to define intimacy • Withdrawal or aggression • Gang membership

  24. DAUGHTERS WITHOUT FATHERS • No experience of male intimacy • less experience of external psychological limits • Expectations of female-like intimacy with men • Adult relationships with men who leave • less competitive

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