Bulloch Recovery Resources presents

1. Bulloch Recovery Resources presents Crossroads of Parenting and Divorce

2. What is a Divorce? Let’s imagine these two rings represent a married couple. Now let’s say that this couple has no children and they get divorced or separated. The Two rings can move far apart and never touch one another.

3. Divorcing with Children Now let’s imagine a married couple with a child/children getting divorced. The three rings may still be connected in some fashion, but may overlap to a greater or lesser degree depending on their arrangement, or they may not overlap at all. What happens to the child/children if the two parent rings are not connected?

4. “Tug of War” This is called the “tug of war” position. Did any of you play tug of war when you were young? You got one end of the rope, somebody else got the other end, and you both pulled as hard as you could. What might happen to a child who is pulled in two different directions?

5. “Tug of War” continued… So, if the child is to be kept form being caught in the middle, the parents must have a continued relationship with one another. Divorced or separated parents must develop a new way of interacting with each other during and after the divorce. This program will assist you in developing a new parental relationship while protecting your child from harm. All children whose parents separate are negatively impacted to some degree. It is important to recognize what we consider to be normal responses.

6. Greatest Influences Factors that have an impact on a child of divorce include: • Age • Gender • Temperament • Parental Access (Amount of time the child spends with each parent) • Parental Relationships (Parents Conflict) Which do you think may have the greatest influence on how well the child adjusts to the divorce?

7. Age and Gender Age- a child’s age at the time of the divorce does indeed influence his or her reaction. Infants and toddlers generally due best because they have less of a history with the family as a unit. However, children under five years of age need predictability and stability, which are often interrupted during a separation. Gender- in general , boys have more difficulties than girls, both socially and academically, in the first few years following the divorce. However, girls often have more problems later on, particularly during adolescence.

8. Temperament and Parental Access Temperament- Children who have had difficulty adjusting to changes through out their lives (for example, changes with schedules, with new people, new foods, etc.) generally have more trouble adjusting to divorce than children with resilient tempers who take things in stride. Parental Access- Like most divorcing parents, you may be concerned about the amount of time your child spends with each of you. The good news is the amount of time is not as significant as you might think.

9. Parental Relationship The greatest influence on a child will be: • Parental Relationships- The number one factor in a child’s adjustment will be the parents’ ability to cooperate and get along. That is why it’s best to avoid court. The judge and lawyers do not know your child as well as you two do, and litigating will only make your parental relationship more conflicted. • Even parents who mediate and cooperate will have a certain amount of conflict during and immediately after a divorce. However, some parents continue having conflicts, sometimes of high intensity, for an extended time after the divorce. • Research shows that high-intensity conflict or prolonged conflict are detrimental to a child. Most damaging of all is when the parental conflict is both high intensity and prolonged.

10. The Good and the Bad News YOU HAVE THE POWER to influence your child’s adjustment to the divorce and to minimize damage to your child just by working on developing a cooperative relationship with the other parent. YOU ARE THE KEY to your child’s success. Even if you want to develop a cooperative relationship, it can be difficult. The truth is, even if your intentions are good, you may still be behaving in a way that is emotionally abusive to you child.

11. What is divorce abuse? You may be wondering what is divorce abuse? • Let us define emotional abuse in a child/parent relationship: “an act or omission by the parent…that has caused, or could cause, serious behavioral, cognitive, or emotional disorders for the child.” • Divorce Abuse is defined: “as a specific type of emotional abuse inflicted upon children by their parents during an after the divorce process.” • IT CAN BE PREVENTED!!!!!

12. The 5 Steps to prevent Divorce Abuse Step 1 Keep your CHILD/CHILDREN out of the Middle.

13. Ways Children get caught in the middle: • Open Conflict By hearing Open Conflict and by making negative comments about the other parent. 2. Negative Talk When one parent criticizes the other it causes the child to choose sides. It makes it harder for the child to feel like it is OK to love both parents.

14. If you notice where the two circles overlap it is darker that is showing what part is damaged. • Think about some of the things that you have said about the other parent in front of your child. • This is an example of divorce abuse, and it can cause emotional damage to your child. It is important to understand that children are not “emotionally separated” from their parents.

15. Ways Children get caught in the middle continued… 3. Family Members’ “Support” Family members-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws may talk negatively about one of the child’s parents as a way of supporting their adult relative through the divorce. Even though their intentions may be good, these family members can inadvertently cause emotional stress for your child. Let them know what you learned today and you will not tolerate it.

16. Ways Children get caught in the middle continued… 4. The Silent Treatment As parents you may feel that you are shielding your child from conflict, but what you fail to realize is the power of non-verbal communication. Remember: Actions Speak Louder than Words.

17. Ways Children get caught in the middle continued… 5. Using your Child as a messenger Whenever you put your child in the position of having to choose between loyalty to you and loyalty to his/her other parent, you are damaging your child’s self-esteem. We call this a loyalty bind, which can cause emotional abuse to your child.

18. Ways Children get caught in the middle continued… 6. Putting Your Child in a Loyalty Bind The child, feeling torn between his options, experiences intense suffering and confusion. This becomes a no win situation, forcing the child to choose between the two parents.

19. Ways Children get caught in the middle continued… 7. Burdening you Child Children can be a willing listener, it seems natural to share your emotional concerns with them. STOP. Call a friend , join a support group, etc. KEEP YOUR CHILD OUT OF IT! One of the most painful emotional burdens you can place on you child is to play the. victim.

20. Ways Children get caught in the middle continued… 7. The Child Focused Way Does it help the parent/child relationship when the child doesn’t have to take responsibility for the parent’s feelings? Be sure to share the best of your emotional experiences with your children, but never burden them with your emotional needs. Your child may not seem like he/she is not hurting; he/she may appear to “have it all together.” But it’s just as likely he/she looks invulnerable but feels crushed inside.

21. Ways Children get caught in the middle continued… 8. Interrogating Your Child When your child first returns from spending time with the other parent, it’s natural to ask him/her about the visit, but it’s easy to cross the line between interest and interrogation. Mistrust is created and can cause problems throughout the child’s life, but it can be avoided. Ask yourself, “Am I inquiring because I want to find out about my former spouse’s personal life? Am I trying to collect information to use against them?” The best rule of thumb is to allow your child talk to you rather than ask a lot of questions.

22. The 5 Steps to prevent Divorce Abuse Step 2 Allow your Child/Children to Love Both Parents

23. Allowing Love for Both Parents Allow your child to love you and the other parent-your former spouse. • So, here is the bottom line: Whenever you criticize, ignore, or say negative things about the other parent… whenever you put your child in the middle or expose your child negatively to the other parent… and whenever you try to keep your child from thinking positively about the other parent, you’re choosing to damage your child. • It can be hard work keeping a parent involved in a child’s life. You may have even wondered if your child would be better off with just one parent. • Why might you think it would be preferable to parent your child on your own?

24. Allowing Love for Both Parents Parenting alone would save stress. The catch is, you'd also be choosing to deprive your child of a parent. This would hurt your child, and it would make things harder for you, as well. If your child’s other parent is able to be there for your child, it is necessary to include him or her in your child’s life. So now that we’ve gotten that straight, let’s work on letting the other parent into your child’s life and allowing your child to love both of you. First we will focus on learning to value both parents.

25. 1. Value the Other Parent • Both you and your child’s other parent having something special to offer to your child. • Your child will feel safer, more loved, and more supported if you and your co-parent work together.

26. 2. Avoid Negative Assumptions about the Other Parent Tips to Avoid Making Negative Assumptions: • Become aware of your own thinking • Give the benefit of the doubt • Compartmentalize your feelings • Express your anger constructively

27. 3. Respect Your Child’s Need for the Other Parent Compliment the other parent when your child can overhear. Let your child know you’re pleased when he/she enjoys time with his other parent. Allow your child to contact the other parent by telephone each day. Scheduling daily will help. Greet the other parent when he or she calls. Using a pleasant tone of voice and stay positive. Find positive or neutral ways to mention the other parent.

28. 4. Show Acceptance of the Other Parent When you demonstrate to your former spouse, with your actions and words, that you accept him or her, your child will certainly benefit. Make an effort to act respectful, especially in the presence of you child. Remember, you do not need to feel respectful in order to act respectful. In other words fake it to you make it.

29. 5. Show Acceptance for Two Homes Remember, regardless of how little time your child spends at the other parent’s home , you need to demonstrate you support your child having two homes. How do you do that? Choose your words carefully, try not to say, “when you visit your dad…” It sets you up to make it seem like his home is not a home or is just a place to visit.

30. The 5 Steps to prevent Divorce Abuse Step 3 Work on your own Recovery

31. 1. Give yourself permission to grieve. Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, recovery is difficult because of the loss involved. What are some of the losses that adults mourn during a divorce? It’s not only the adults who grieve; children mourn their losses just as deeply. What are some losses children mourn? Try to minimize the number of changes, both positive and negative, that your child will experience during and after the divorce.

32. The Stages of Grief Shock Denial Guilt Anger Bargaining/Depression Hope Acceptance

33. 2. Let Go of the Past If you do not let go and instead hold onto the pain, you and your child’s other parent remain in a state of conflict. Why do you think people have a hard time letting go? What are some signs you are holding on to your pain and the past? The ability to forgive can help some people let go of the pain. It does not mean you condone their behavior or that your pain is not real. An apology or reconciliation is not necessary to validate your feelings or being able to forgive.

34. What does Forgiveness mean? You’ve mad a decision to move on You’ve chosen to heal rather than to stay hurt. You’re more concerned with helping yourself than hurting others. It is your decision.

35. 3. Disengaging form Your Former Partner. • Disengage is what we use to describe letting go of the marital relationship. • What does the following quote mean to you? • “ Bitterness binds you to each other as tightly as your love once did” Do you think this harms the child? In what ways? What is bitter engagement and how does this harm the child?

36. Remaining Engaged: Focus on Getting Even, Winning, Control, and Playing the Victim A person who “plays the victim” gets control by manipulating others. Getting attention often takes precedence over paying attention to the needs of a child and puts a burden upon them. The choice is to disengage. This is an important crossroad in your divorce journey. You begin focusing on moving forward.

37. 4. Value your Positive Memories. Some people mistakenly believe they have to give up everything from the past, including positive memories, in order to focus on the future. Or they think that the divorce renders all happy memories from the past null and void. Both are misconceptions. You don’t need to throw away your pleasant memories in order to move forward. Those wonderful times did happen. You can still treasure them.

38. 5. Manage Your Anger It would be hard to not find someone who has not experienced divorce-related anger. Yet some people get caught up in it while others use it to energize them to move forward. Problems arise when you use that anger towards revenge. A major key to recovery is to stop looking at the co-parent and look at yourself.

39. The 5 Steps to prevent Divorce Abuse Step 4 Develop New Communication Skills

40. 1.Creating New Expectations around Communication Agree on a method of communication Frequency of Communication Responsibility for Communication Have a back-up plan It is important for you both to understand that your mutual purpose is to make decisions that benefit your child. What might you communicate about that would be off limits?

41. 2. Communication Techniques There are three parts of communication: • Tone of Voice • Body Language • Words If your goal is to be respectful you must apply a respectful attitude with all three parts of communication.

42. Words to Avoid Words that criticizes, blames, or accuses. Words that advise, command, or demand. Words that interrogate. Words that interpret motivation. “Always” and “Never” “You” Statements

43. 3. Reactions to Attack There are three typical Reactions to Attack: • Defend • Counterattack • Withdraw You may wonder what you can do instead of defending, counterattacking, or withdrawing. It may be as easy as agreeing to disagree.

44. 4. “I” Statements Use an “I” Statement when you want to voice a concern to someone-in this case, your former spouse- about something he or she is doing that negatively affects you and your child. “I” Statements helps the communication process in four ways: • It honestly describes how you feel about a situation. • It quickly relates your feelings and thoughts about a situation to how it may affect you and your child. • It is less likely to invite defensiveness or counterattacks. • It enables you to “get to the point” with a brief and clear request

45. “I” Statements Continued… An “I” Statement has 3 distinct parts (Handout): • A statement of feeling: “I feel ____________” • A description of the problem: “….when ____________” • A specific request: “What I’d like is _________”

46. 5. Use Reflective Listening This enables you take control of a potentially contentious situation and keep it from escalating into a conflict. Reflect back or mirror what you heard he or she is trying to tell you without adding or leaving anything out. “So, you’re feeling _________________ when _____________________. What you’d really like is _________________________________. Is that right?”

47. 6. Learning to Negotiate Sometimes “I” statements and reflective listening are not enough. In such a case, negotiation skills can help the two of you find a solution. Before negotiation can begin, the co- parent who has become aware of the problem should contact the other parent and set up an appointment for negotiating a solution (possibly in a public place).

48. The 7 Step of Negotiation, The 7 steps to Negotiation: • Name the Problem • Give Opinions; Reflect Options • Brainstorm Solutions • Choose a Solution • Review • Take Action • Re- Evaluate

49. The 5 Steps to prevent Divorce Abuse Step 5 Create a New Relationship as Co-Parents

50. Co-Parenting The new relationship you are developing with your former spouse will require more than just different communication patterns. The rules and expectations will be different than when you were together. Why does there need to be a continued relationship at all? This new relationship will focus on you children. We call it Co-Parenting.