Raising Authentically Successful Children: Resilience in Action

1. Raising Authentically Successful Children: Resilience in Action Ken Ginsburg MD, MS Ed The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia

2. What should childhood look like?

3. And . . . who is childhood for???

5. How do we define success?

6. Do we have to make a choice between success and happiness?

7. Resilience • The Ability To Overcome Adversity • The Capacity to Bounce Back

8. Resilience is a Mindset

9. Resilience is Uneven

10. Resilience • is • NOT • Invulnerability

11. Resilienceis NOTa character trait. • It is affected by supports and circumstances!!!

12. The Bottom Line • Young People will be more resilient if the important adults in their lives believe in them unconditionally and hold them to high expectations • Young People live up or down to the expectations we set for them

13. The 7 C’s of Resilience • Confidence • Competence • Connection • Character • Contribution • Coping • Control

14. The importance of Connection can not be overstated. . . • Family • School • Community • . . . and sometimes, the health clinician

15. Connection 101:

16. Why does it feel like our connection is challenged during adolescence?

17. Listening

18. Connection 101 (cont’d):Perfectionism Prevention

19. What is perfectionism? • And . . . why isn’t it a good thing?

20. Self LoathingFear of the B+Fear of the “D” WordNo Out-of-the-Box ThoughtThe death of creativityResents Constructive Feedback

21. The Lies You Don’t Want to Buy Into • The SAT’s will pave the way . . . • You have to be good at everything . . . • Just put it off . . .

22. “Just try your best” • Victims of a toxic society • What do we praise . . . or notice? • Desire to spare us • Fear of becoming the target of anger

23. Learning to Build a High Achiever • Letting young people make their own mistakes • Praising the process of trying, rather than just the results • And not over-praising . . .this is not self esteem!

24. Not all perfectionists are perfect

25. Competence and Confidence

26. Finding Competence . . . . . . Building Confidence X X X

27. Learning Not to Undermine Competence • Talking in a way young people understand • Recognizing the cognitive development of adolescence • No more lectures!!!!!!

28. Building Competence • Social Skills

29. Control

30. The World Happens to MeorI control my Destiny

31. How Much Control?

32. Effective Monitoring

33. Discipline Cycle Parent makes command Ongoing positive attention prevents entering the cycle Critical point Parent repeats command Routine Interaction no yes Nagging relationship Child agrees? Child agrees? Child agrees? yes no Parent threatens Cycle repeats 3 to 7 times Cycle repeats 1 to 3 times Hostile relationship yes no no no Parent at crisis point Parent gives up Diminished parental supervision Punishment that is worse than the crime Adapted from Barkley RA. Hyperactive Children: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment. New York, NY: Guilford Press; 1981.

34. Contract • 1. I want a curfew of 10 pm on weeknights and 11:30 on weekends • We need to know where you are, whom you’re with, and what you’ll be doing • We need to know where you are going, who you will be with, when you will be home • You need to finish all of your homework before you go out • You need to get enough sleep • You need to be able to wake up in time for school • You need to keep up your grades • You must always follow the check in rule • We have to agree on a code word • 2.I want to be able to drive the car when mom doesn’t need it • You can’t drive any friends for 6 months • You must Always wear a seat belt • You will never use a cell phone or text while driving • We need to sign a Students Against Destructive Decisions Contract for life • Mom _X_____ Dad _X_____ Bill_X_____ Contract 1.I want a curfew of 10 pm on weeknights and 11:30 on weekends 2.I want to be able to drive the car when mom doesn’t need it

35. Resilience • Is about learning to cope, in a positive way with life’s inevitable stressors • We might do our greatest good by raising youth with a wide repertoire of positive coping strategies

36. Discomfort Relief Relief Positive Coping Strategies You Feel Awful!!! You Feel Awful!!! You Feel Awful!!! Stress Discomfort Discomfort Negative Coping Strategies

37. Discomfort Relief Relief Positive Coping Strategies You Feel Awful!!! You Feel Awful!!! You Feel Awful!!! Stress Discomfort Discomfort Negative Coping Strategies

38. Coping • Engagement vs. Disengagement • Emotion Focused vs. Problem Focused

39. A Stress Management Plan for Teens • (It Might Just Work for you) • Shhhhh . . . It is a Great Way to Build a College Resume

40. Stress Management : Tackling The Problem • Making the problem manageable • Active Avoidance • Let Some things go

41. SerenityPrayer • Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference

42. Stress Management : Taking Care of My Body • Exercise • Fear • Anger

43. Stress Management : Taking Care of My Body • Relaxation • Nutrition

44. Stress Management : Taking Care of My Body • 7) Sleep • Stimulation • Cool Down Exercise Shower • Release emotion

45. Stress Management : Managing Emotions • Instant Vacations • Releasing Emotions

46. The Worst thing is not to be stressed . . . it is to be NUMB

47. Stress Management Plan : Making the World Better • Contributing to the world

48. When Resilience Reaches Its Limits • Physical symptoms • Fatigue • Disinterest • Dropping grades • Sad mood • Irritability/anger • Substance use

49. When Your Tolerance Reaches Its Limits • Falling Back In Love • Catching Your Kid Being Good • Holding to the Highest Expectation • Honoring Your Spouse/Partner

50. The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Child