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The “Magic” of Intimacy

The “Magic” of Intimacy. Linda L. Zimmerman, M.A., LCPC Professor of Student Development Oakton Community College, 2007. Why Discuss Intimacy?. Everywhere we look relationships are portrayed: Commercials Television Books movies Music Art Print ads. Belonging. We have innate needs:

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The “Magic” of Intimacy

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  1. The “Magic” of Intimacy Linda L. Zimmerman, M.A., LCPC Professor of Student Development Oakton Community College, 2007

  2. Why Discuss Intimacy? Everywhere we look relationships are portrayed: • Commercials • Television • Books • movies • Music • Art • Print ads

  3. Belonging We have innate needs: • To belong • To connect

  4. Our History Our life history contains important lessons on relationships with: • Parents • Siblings • Grandparents • Friends • Classmates • Teachers • Coaches • Neighbors • Relatives

  5. Our History To a certain extent, everyone we meet or have known is a relationship teacher. • Some are good teachers • Some are not good teachers • Sometimes, we do not want to learn the lessons

  6. Myths and Fantasy • We often rely upon myth and fantasy for what we believe a good relationship should be. • We love to be in love. • We love to think about romance and being intimately connected.

  7. The Truth Often we believe that good relationships are our inalienable right! This type of thinking gets us into emotional trouble.

  8. The Truth Good relationships require: • Hard work • Dedication to growth • Risk taking • Commitment • Trust • Respect • Communication

  9. What Can We Do? • How can we develop a lifetime of strong connections? • How can we avoid common problems of relationships? • How can we develop love? • What is love?

  10. Robert Sternberg’s Love Triangles Robert Sternberg, Yale University

  11. Intimacy Sternberg Love Triangle Passion Com-mitment Robert SternbergLove Triangles* Three primary aspects of a love relationship: • Intimacy • Passion • commitment

  12. Robert SternbergLove Triangles Intimacy • Liking • True friendship • Includes qualities of: • “Bondedness” • Warmth • Closeness • Endurance Intimacy

  13. Robert SternbergLove Triangles Passion • Physical arousal • Attraction • Desire • Sexual interest • May appear and disappear suddenly Passion

  14. Robert SternbergLove Triangles Commitment • Shared life • Built over time • Reliability • Willingness to endure difficulties and hardships Commitment

  15. John Lee Love Attitudes Survey

  16. John Lee’s Love Attitudes Survey • Looks at an individual’s ideas and expectations about love • Is a result of extensive research Preferences can differ: • Among various gender and cultural groups • Within an individual over a lifetime

  17. John Lee’s Love Attitudes Survey EROS – primary • Erotic love • Based on physical attraction • Strong passion toward love object • Instant chemistry • Preoccupation with thoughts of the other

  18. John Lee’s Love Attitudes Survey LUDUS – primary • Game-playing love • Manipulation • Conquest • Control of emotions • Excitement from skillfully playing the game

  19. John Lee’s Love Attitudes Survey STORGE – primary • Stable • Deep • Long-term • Mutual respect • Sex and strong emotions are not the main value

  20. John Lee’s Love Attitudes Survey PRAGMA – secondary • Combines storge and ludus • Practical • Objective evaluation • Logical • Long term advantages weighed • Friendship and commitment

  21. John Lee’s Love Attitudes Survey MANIA- secondary • Combines passion (Eros) and game-playing (Ludus) • Insecure • Little self-control • Obsessive • Possessive • Jealous • Doubtful

  22. John Lee’s Love Attitudes Survey • AGAPE - secondary • Combines Eros and Storge • Deep, abiding love • Passionate • Unconditional • Selfless • Reciprocity is not the motivation

  23. What About Physical Attractiveness? Here’s where it all begins – especially for men.

  24. Physical Attractiveness • Do you assume that “what is beautiful is good?” • Most of us make that assumption. • Physically attractive people • get hired more easily • earn higher salaries • less likely to be convicted of certain crimes * Hamermesh & Biddle, 1994 *Downs & Lyons, 1991

  25. What is Physical Attractiveness? Facial Features Women: big eyes, full lips, small chin and nose, well-defined cheekbones, narrow cheeks, broad smile, clear skin, white teeth. Men: strong jaws and broad foreheads, clear skin, strong, white teeth. (biological/evolutionary approach and sociocultural influence)

  26. What is Physical Attractiveness? Symmetry – • well-matched, balanced face on both sides. • influences a person’s degree of attractiveness • Face • Body Bartholome & Jansen, 2004, Rhodes, Roberts & Simmons, 1999 (biological/evolutionary approach and sociocultural influence)

  27. We all seem to find them attractive. Why?

  28. What is Physical Attractiveness? Waist-Hip Ratio (WHR) Refers to proportions women • size of waist compared to hips • Ideal is 0.7 • Waist is 70% of size of hips • Cross culturally accepted. Men • Waist is 90% of size of hips (biological/evolutionary approach and sociocultural influence)

  29. How Can we Explain the Idea of Physical Attractiveness Being the Same in Virtually All Cultures? • People with “beautiful” WHRs are are healthier • Less heart disease • Less diabetes • Women with an 0.7 WHR are more fertile (biological/evolutionary approach and sociocultural influence)

  30. How Can we Explain the Idea of Physical Attractiveness Being the Same in Virtually All Cultures? 2. Clear skin and eyes indicate good health 3. Women’s preferred facial features represent youth and vitality 4. Men’s preferred facial features represent strength and power • Interestingly, women are most attracted to the symmetrical man when they are fertile biological/evolutionary approach and sociocultural influence

  31. Attractiveness and Cultural Norms • When cultures have an abundance of food, what type of body do you think is preferred? The explanations appearing on previous slides represent the biological/ evolutionary approach and sociocultural influence.

  32. Matching in Physical Attractiveness Social exchange theory – the idea that we want the best for what we can offer • We tend to look for someone whom we believe is equal to or better in quality to ourselves.

  33. What Qualities do you Value? • Desire for home and children • Dependable character • Pleasing disposition • Mutual attraction/love • Education/intelligence • Sociability • Ambition/industriousness • Emotional stability/maturity • Refinement, neatness • Good looks • Good health

  34. How Do Men Rank Qualities in Women? Men’s top 10 rankings:* • Mutual attraction – love • Dependable character • Emotional stability/maturity • Pleasing disposition • Good health • Education/intelligence • Sociability • Desire for home and children • Refinement neatness • Good looks

  35. How Do Women Rank Qualities in Men? Women’s top ten rankings:* • Mutual attraction/love • Dependable character • Emotional stability/maturity • Pleasing disposition • Education/intelligence • Sociability • Good health • Desire for home and children • Ambition/industriousness • Refinement, neatness *Buss Cross, 1999

  36. Men’s top 5 rankings:* Mutual attraction – love Dependable character Emotional stability/maturity Pleasing disposition Good health Education/intelligence Sociability Desire for home and children Refinement neatness Good looks Women’s top 5 rankings:* Mutual attraction/love Dependable character Emotional stability/maturity Pleasing disposition Education/intelligence Sociability Good health Desire for home and children Ambition/industriousness Refinement, neatness Physical Attractiveness *Buss Cross, 1999

  37. Attractiveness in Long-Term Relationships In long term relationships the following are the most important characteristics: • Emotional stability • An agreeable personality • Trustworthiness However, physical attractiveness is still ranked as important – especially for men

  38. Similarity in Attitudes & Beliefs *We are more likely to be interested in those who share our: • beliefs • viewpoints • Values • Demographics It affirms us. *Duck 1972

  39. Personality Similarity Happy people are attracted to happy people. Pleasantness and dominance of one’s own life highly correlate with marital satisfaction (when both partners have these qualities). However, are people as similar as they think they are when dating? Blum & Mehrabian, 1999

  40. Online Dating • Used by almost half of the single adult population • Greater control over self-presentation (looks) • Greater control over pace of relationship • Used most by people in their 40s • Experts recommend limiting online relationships to one month.

  41. John Gottman University of Wisconsin

  42. You found him/her, what next? John Gottman • professor of psychology • University of Wisconsin • Studied marriages for 20 years • Scientific research on long-term happiness

  43. Seven Principles of Making YourMarriage (Relationship) Work • Create and nurture intimacy in the relationship. Know each other. Learn all about each other’s • Likes • Dislikes • Wishes • Hopes • Dreams

  44. Seven Principles of Making YourMarriage (Relationship) Work 2. Focus on the positive in your partner. • good qualities • good feelings for each other • good times you have shared with each other

  45. Seven Principles of Making YourMarriage (Relationship) Work 3. Interact frequently. Share information about your: • day • thoughts • experiences. Romance and/or friendship is fueled by interacting in numerous little ways.

  46. Seven Principles of Making YourMarriage (Relationship) Work 4. “Let your partner influence you.” • share power, it • attempts to dominate and control destroy • mutual respect and power sharing are crucial

  47. Seven Principles of Making YourMarriage (Relationship) Work 5. “Solve your solvable problems.” • Communicate respectfully • Use “I” statements, • Criticize behavior without criticizing your partner, • Take a break when you’re getting too upset, and compromise.

  48. Gottman’s Four HorsemenThe Death of a Relationship • Criticism – criticize the behavior, not the person • Contempt = sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling • Defensiveness –avoid responsibility, deflect to the partner • Stonewalling – withdrawal (more common in men than women)

  49. Seven Principles of Making YourMarriage (Relationship) Work 6. “Overcome gridlock.” • understand your partner’s underlying feelings which are preventing resolution of the conflict.

  50. Seven Principles of Making YourMarriage (Relationship) Work 7. “Create shared meaning.” • Values • Attitudes • Interests • traditions

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