Overcoming Perfectionism as a GATE Student

1. Overcoming Perfectionism as a GATE Student Presented by Mr. Steven Kahl GATE Coordinator Mountain View HS

2. AGENDA What is perfectionism? How is perfectionism different from setting high standards and goals? What contributes to the belief that one should be perfect? What is harmful about perfectionism? How is perfectionism linked to giftedness? What thoughts and feelings are associated with perfectionism? What strategies work best for combating perfectionism? How can each of us develop a better mindset about making mistakes? How is overcoming perfectionism related to emotional health? How can a perfectionist get ongoing support?

3. What Is Perfectionism? Setting unreasonable, impossible goals Being chronically dissatisfied with even excellent work Never enjoying the present because of worry about the future Avoiding taking risks because of the fear of failure Suffering from the �Imposter Syndrome� Being highly self critical and preoccupied with expectations of self and others Being critical of others

4. Other Signs of Perfectionism Being highly competitive Comparing self to others constantly Experiencing stress and anxiety Fearing making mistakes and of revealing weaknesses & imperfections Procrastinating because of the need to do something perfectly Spending time and energy doing something over and over until it is �perfect� Being prone to depression and relationship problems

5. What Leads to Perfectionism? Adults may have offered too much praise for your accomplishments and too little praise for your efforts. Teachers may have made your excellent work public, or they may have expected excellence from you on everything. You may have come to believe that your worth lies only in your accomplishments. By being labeled �gifted� and/or �talented,� you may have felt compelled to continue proving how smart you are, leading to frustration and the avoidance of risk related to learning. People in your family may not be permitted to make mistakes.

6. Harmful Beliefs for Gifted Students I�m only valued for what I can produce. If I�m smart, then everything should come easily to me. People won�t like me as much if I�m not excellent at everything.

7. The Harm of Perfectionism worsening anxiety or fear procrastination alienation of friends avoiding growth in favor of what one already knows avoiding challenges sensitivity to criticism may not tolerate ambiguity seeing situations as all good or all bad inability to imagine unconditional love compulsive planning

8. Questions About Your Mistakes On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being �no problem,� how do you usually feel about your mistakes? How much time do you spend around others who point out other people�s mistakes? What happens when you make a mistake at home? What happens when you make a mistake around your friends? What is a healthy attitude about mistakes, in your opinion?

9. Strategies for Combating Perfectionism Be average (messy, late, incomplete, imperfect) for a day. Get involved in un-graded activities, focusing on process, not product. Take a risk or alter a routine or proceed without a plan. Give yourself permission to make at least three mistakes a day. Smile at them. Stop using the words SHOULD and HAVE TO. Explore the reasons for your perfectionism and tell yourself it�s okay to be less than perfect.

10. If you think you can�t DO it, say� �I know I can TRY it.�

11. Instead of saying you shouldn�t do something if you can�t do it well� Say �I can do this without being committed to high performance.�

12. Instead of thinking that whatever you do should be PERFECT� Set for yourself only the goal of being FINISHED.

13. If what you attempted to do didn�t work� Applaud your persistence and courage anyway.

14. If you feel overwhelmed by a goal� Break it down into a series of small, more easily obtainable goals.

15. If you�re not happy with a grade on a project� Acknowledge for yourself what you learned from it and what you enjoyed about it and what you might try differently next time.

16. If you make a mistake, or several of them� Remind yourself that mistakes are indicators of the frontier of your new knowledge.

17. Dr. Carol Dweck�s MIND SET Do you have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset?

18. Identifying Faulty Cognitions The three basic irrational beliefs that some adolescents hold: I must perform well all the time. Everyone must treat me well all the time. Conditions must be favorable all the time.

19. Adolescents� Distorted Cognitions/Automatic Thoughts: Perceptions about what events occur (The teacher doesn�t like me, so she asks me lots of questions to put me on the spot.) Attributions about why events occur (I�m not doing as well as I could because the teacher grades too hard.) Expectancies of predictions (I�ll never get an A.) Assumptions about the world and correlations among events (Adults don�t listen to kids.) Beliefs about what �should� be. (I should be allowed to drop math if I don�t like it.)

20. To determine whether or not a cognition is faulty How valid is the perception or attribute as a representation of an objective reality? How reasonable is it as a standard or as an explanation for events?

21. William Glasser�s Choice Theory All behavior is made up of four components: acting, feeling, thinking, and physiology. All behavior is chosen, and the only person whose behavior we can control is our own. Do not allow a student to to say someone else �made� her do something or react somehow. Have a student use verbs to describe feelings, rather than adjectives. (�I am choosing to be angry.�)

22. Ellis�s Rational Emotive Behavioral Model (ABCDE) A is the activating event, experience, or adversity. (I received a C in English.) B is the student�s belief. (�I am no good. I am a failure. C is the consequence--a feeling or behavior. (�Now everyone thinks I�m useless. I�ll never be able to do English.�) D is the dispute that challenges dysfunctional beliefs. (�Where is the evidence of the above?) E stands for effective new strategies. (�Most likely, if I keep trying, I�ll succeed at this.�)

23. Automatic Thoughts to Correct Depression: hopelessness, worthlessness, helplessness (�I�ll never amount to anything and there�s nothing I can do to change things.�) Anxiety: danger and vulnerability (�I�ll fail for sure and people will think I�m an idiot.�) Anger: being treated unfairly, unreasonable obstacles, deliberate provocation (�That teacher is trying to get me. This is so unfair.�)

24. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 1 Arbitrary Inference: no evidence supports the conclusion �Luck gets you into college, not good grades.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Accumulate hard evidence to test the conclusion.

25. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 2 Overgeneralization: general conclusion is drawn from a single event; jumping to conclusions �My teachers all think I�m lazy.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Examine how much evidence supports or opposes the conclusion; have student provide alternative conclusions.

26. Automatic Thoughts and Corrective Strategies 3 Catastrophizing: overreaction; gross exaggeration of an event, with focus on the worst case scenario �I know I�ll fail the test so I�m not going to bother studying.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: In terms of percentages, look at the odds of the worst case scenario happening; look at past successes.

27. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 4 Minimization: gross underestimation of an event; tendency to downplay a cause when other reasons are present �My poor work habits are no big deal because the teacher doesn�t check my work.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: List short-term and long-term consequences; how does this impact on you, regardless of your teacher?

28. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 5 Dichotomous Thinking: interpreting events in absolutes, with no tolerance for uncertainty; good or bad, right or wrong; unreasonable expectations �I�m a complete failure.� �If I can�t do it perfectly, I�m not even going to try.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Think in percentages; acknowledge that this is all-or-nothing thinking; seek middle ground or �grey� areas.

29. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 6 Fallacy of Fairness: believing that what one wants is the only thing that is fair �I should be able to do whatever I want in school.� Fairness is usually a disguise for personal preferences. Make specific, concrete suggestions; be willing to compromise.

30. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 7 �Should� Fallacies: holding inflexible rules and expectations; reality is inconsistent with our expectations for how it should be. �I have to get a 100% on every test.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Compare the �shoulds, oughts, and musts� to your wants; recognize that the world will not always be consistent with your existing schema.

31. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 8 Mind Reading: without their saying so, one believes one knows exactly what people are thinking, especially with regard to oneself. �People know I should have succeeded and now they think I�ll never be able to do anything.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Examine the evidence; list specific people who think this and why; how did they show it?

32. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 9 Stereotyping: superficial belief about an entire group without recognizing individual differences �All my teachers expect me to be perfect.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Seek exceptions: discuss particulars rather than the group

33. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 10 Selective Perception: details are taken out of context; ignoring the whole picture to focus only on things of interest �I don�t need to be good at English because I�m good at computers.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Instead of focusing on the problem, shift to a plan to improve the situation.

34. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 11 Loss of Perspective: salient features are ignored; mental filtering �I can�t do this math so I�ll never get into a good college.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Instead of focusing on the problem, shift to a plan to improve the situation.

35. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 12 Personalization: unsupported perception that an event reflects upon oneself �Teachers in this school hate losers, so I�ll never do well here.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Examine the validity; seek evidence.

36. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 13 Emotional Reasoning: perceiving affective data as fact �I�m stupid if I don�t know an answer.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Point out the difference between �objective� fact and personal emotion/feelings.

37. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 14 Internal Control Fallacy: belief that one is responsible for others� problems �If I don�t do well in school, my parents will never be happy.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Choice Theory--You are only responsible for yourself.

38. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 15 External Control Fallacy: blaming others for one�s own problem �It�s not my fault I don�t do well.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Choice Theory--No one else can �make� you do or feel anything.

39. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 16 Fallacy of Change: believing that another person must be pressured to change so that one can be happy �If I could get my math teacher to lay off me, everything would be okay.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: Choice Theory--Your happiness depends on changes made in yourself, not on getting others to change.

40. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 17 Ad Hominem Fallacy: attacking a person rather than dealing with an issue �My teacher is out to get me.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: ABCDE method

41. Automatic Thoughts and Correction Strategies 18 Resistance to Change: decisions are inflexible; refusal to change a behavior even if it is causing problems �There�s no use trying anything.� CORRECTION STRATEGY: ABCDE method

42. Readings and Sources Alvino, James. Parents Guide to Raising a Gifted Child. New York, NY: Ballantine, 1996. Damon, William. The Moral Child: Nurturing Children�s Natural Moral Growth. New York, NY: The Free Press, 1988. Reuben, Steven Carr. Children of Character, A Parent�s Guide. Santa Monica, CA: National Book Network, 1997. Smutney, Joan Franklin, Walker, Sally Yahnke, and Meckstroth, Elizabeth A. Teaching Young Gifted Children in the Regular Classroom. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing, 1997. Webb, James T., Meckstroth, Elizabeth A. and Tolan, Stephanie S. Guiding the Gifted Child: A Practical Source for Parents and Teachers. Gifted Psychology Press, 1989.