Understanding Marriage: Need-Love vs. Gift-Love and Their Impact on Society

1. You Marriage Early Marriage Alternatives Consequences Patrick F. Fagan, Ph.D. Georgetown University April 2013

5. For many: Marriage is not in their future Charts from “Knot Now”, by Hymowitz, Carroll, Wilcox and Kaye, 2013

6. WHY GET MARRIED?But First: Which Marriage? • There is a marriage to fear: Need-Love Marriage • There is a marriage to trust: Gift-Love Marriage • The Difference between the two

7. Beautiful Insanity • Romance • Falling in Love • Blindness • Clear Lens • Woman (or man) promises what only God can deliver • St Augustine

8. Need Love • Falling in Love • Blindness • = Need Love • The greater the deficit the greater the Need Love • >> The greater the disappointment • The greater the disillusionment • Aside on priests and religious (young vs older)

9. Broken family background • Unmet needs • Time with child in first two years

10. Importance of marriage :Why it makes a difference

13. Source Antovics, K. & Town, R. Am Econ Review V 94, (2004) pp 317-321 $127 140 Marriage Premium in Male Income $100 120 100 80 Comparative Income % $27 60 + = 40 20 0 Average Unmarried Male Premium Average Married Male

15. Of All Black Children (100%): % in Poverty or Not by Married or Unmarried Parents MARRIED NOT-MARRIED 40 35 30 25 20 IN POVERTY 15 10 5 0 Married Not in Poverty Married In Poverty Not Married Not in Poverty Not Married In Poverty NOT IN POVERTY Source: Bureau of the Census, Current Population Survey, 1998

16. Same Parents If Married Unmarried Parents 3.17 Million Children 3.93 Million Children Out ofPoverty InPoverty Children in Poverty 0.75 Million Children Source R Rector (Heritage Fdn) : Analysis of CPS 2001

18. Retreat from Marriage: Black Men (25-54)by Education Level

19. Retreat from Marriage:Black Men (25-54)Unemployment DifferentialsMarriage (pink) andnon-Marriage (blue)

20. GPA English/Math by Family Structure Source: Adolescent Health Survey, Wave I. Adolescents grade 7-12. 2.90 2.9 2.80 2.70 2.6 Average GPA Enligsh/Math Combined 2.6 2.6 2.60 2.5 2.5 2.50 2.40 2.30 INTACT STEP COHABIT (BOTH COHABIT (ONE DIVORCED NEVER MARRIED NATURAL) NATURAL)

21. GPA Score Combined English/ Math Source Ad Health Survey Waves 1+2 1995 2.9 2.9 2.8 2.85 2.8 2.7 2.75 2.7 Combined English-Math Score 2.6 2.65 2.6 2.55 2.5 2.45 Weekly Weekly<Monthly Monthly<Yearly Never Frequency of Religious Attendance

22. GPA

23. Family Structure: Comparative Rates Of Youth Incarceration 4 3.7 3.5 3 2.71 2.5 2.07 2 Comparative Rates of Incarceration 1.5 1 1 0.5 0 Raised in Intact Married Parent Raised in Mother-Only Family Raised in a Mother and Raised in a Stepmother Family Family Stepfather Family Source: C. Harper and S. McLanahan, “Father Absence and Youth Incarceration,” ASA Annual Meeting, San Francisco, August 1998. Data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth.

24. Relative Rates of Physical Abuse by Family Structure Source NIS-4, 2010 12 10.3 10 8 6 5.2 4.3 3.6 4 3.1 2 1.0 0 Step Cohabiting Step Married Always Intact Single Parent Not living with Intact Cohabiting Family Family Married Family Family either parent Family

25. Relative Rates of Sexual Abuse by Family Structure Source NIS-4, 2010 25 19.8 20 15 10.6 8.6 10 5 4.8 5 1 0 Single Parent Step Cohabiting Always Intact Intact Cohabiting Not living with Step Married Family Family Married Family Family either parent Family

26. U.S: Partner / Spouse Violence Against Mothers Over 20 With Children under 12 Source DOJ Nat Crime Victimization Survey 1999 35 33 30 25 20 15 Rate Per 1,000 15 10 6 4 5 0 Married Widowed Married+Div+Sep Never Married Combined

27. U.S: Partner / Spouse Violence Against Mothers Over 20 With Children under 12 Source DOJ Nat Crime Victimization Survey 1999 35 33 30 25 20 15 Rate Per 1,000 15 10 6 4 5 0 Married Widowed Married+Div+Sep Never Married Combined

28. Putting it off til successful • Individual vs Couple • Entwined vs Free Standing • Looking • Seeking / Dating • Courtship / Friendship • Marriage • Beginning

29. Young Marrieds • Beginning • Fist year • First child • First Blush • Fading Rose • Blossoming Thorns • Deep Friendship / Companion / Unity • Goal

30. For 16-23 year olds: What to do in matters sexual • Friendship • Chastity • Good times

31. How NOW affects marriage down the road • Sexuality (deeply us) Freud, JPII • Dissipation of energy / resources • Friendship capacity • To give • Research on giving “Who Really Cares” Arthur Brooks • Unhappy ? Find someone in real need

32. THE INDIVIDUAL AND PORNOGRAPHY • Pornography is addictive, and neuroscientists are beginning to map the biological substrate of this addiction. • Desensitized to their type of pornography • Higher tolerance for abnormal sexuality, including rape, sexual aggression, and sexual promiscuity. • Produces stronger notions of women as commodities or as "sex objects." • Greater sexual permissiveness, out-of-wedlock births and STDs. • Child-sex offenders are more likely to view pornography regularly or to be involved in its distribution.

33. Porn-culture epidemic THE FAMILY AND PORNOGRAPHY • Married men feel less satisfied and less emotionally attached to their wives. Wives notice and are deeply upset by the difference. • Pornography use is a pathway to infidelity and divorce. • Among couples affected by one spouse's addiction, two-thirds experience a loss of interest in sexual intercourse. • Both spouses perceive pornography viewing as tantamount to infidelity. • Pornography viewing leads to a loss of interest in good family relations.

34. Number of Non-Marital Sexual Partners Versus Percent in a Stable Marriage Source NSFG 1995

35. Age of First Intercourse Versus Number of Sexual Partners Source: NSFG 1995

37. The More Sexual Partners the More Likely to Abort Source NSFG 1995 60 52 50 43 39 40 34 31 Percent who have abortions later 30 25 19 18 20 12 8 10 0 0 1 2 3 4 5 6-10 11-15 16-20 21+ NUMBER OF NON MARITAL SEXUAL PARTNERS IN LIFETIME

38. Non-Marital Sexual Partners and Out-of-Wedlock Births Source: CDC, National Center for Health Statistics, National Survey of Family Growth, 1995 60% 55.21% 49.99% 49.89% 49.45% 47.55% 50% 44.02% 42.66% 40.02% 40% 32.89% Percent of Sexually Active Women Aged 15-44 with Children 30% 20% 16.29% 10% 1.71% 0% Virgin at Had Pre- 1 2 3 4 5 6-10. 11-15. 16-20 21+ Time of Marital Sex First with First Marriage Husband Number of Lifetime Voluntary Non-Marital Sexual Partners

39. Non-Marital Sexual Partners And Single Motherhood Source: CDC, National Center for Health Statistics, National Survey of Family Growth, 1995 60% 56.98% 53.07% 50.30% 48.13% 50% 47.03% 44.16% 38.81% 40% 36.48% 30.21% Percent of Sexually Active women Aged 15-44 with Children 30% 20% 10% 7.09% 0% 0 1 2 3 4 5 6-10. 11-15. 16-20 21+ Number of Lifetime Non-Marital Sexual Partners

40. Annual Rejection Ratio: For Every 100 Children Born Sources: CDC/ NCHS report series 100.0 90.0 80.0 70.0 60.0 Divorce 50.0 40.0 30.0 20.0 10.0 OWB 0.0 1950 1955 1960 1965 1970 1975 1980 1985 1990 1995 1998 2000

41. Charts from “Knot Now”, by Hymowitz, Carroll, Wilcox and Kaye, 2013

42. Charts from “Knot Now”, by Hymowitz, Carroll, Wilcox and Kaye, 2013

44. Other Religious and non Religious Groups: Natural Law,Transcendentals, Religion.

45. The Five Basic Institutions Five Basic Tasks Government Market School Church Family Instrumental Relational

46. Fundamental Capacities Force / Benevolence Work Intelligence Reflection Sexuality

47. Fundamental Tasks Of the Individual Gov Market School Church Family

48. Fundamental Tasks Of the Couple Gov Gov Market Market School School Church Church Family Family

49. Fundamental Tasks Of the Family Gov Market School Church Family Gov Gov Market Market School School Church Church Family Family

50. Fundamental Tasks Of Society Gov Market School Church Family Family Gov Market School Gov Church Market Family School Couple Church Family Gov Market School Church Family