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Day Cummings, LCSW RN Circle of Daughters, Inc. 716-507-6281

Day Cummings, LCSW RN Circle of Daughters, Inc. 716-507-6281. WHEN VIOLENT DEATH OCCURS: HELPING OUR CHILDREN. Five Fears of Death. Dying process After death – judgment Leaving others behind Particular kind of death Fear of death itself – loss of mastery, loss of control Dolka 2002.

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Day Cummings, LCSW RN Circle of Daughters, Inc. 716-507-6281

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  1. Day Cummings, LCSW RN Circle of Daughters, Inc. 716-507-6281 WHEN VIOLENT DEATH OCCURS: HELPING OUR CHILDREN

  2. Five Fears of Death Dying process After death – judgment Leaving others behind Particular kind of death Fear of death itself – loss of mastery, loss of control Dolka 2002

  3. HOW WE GRIEVE • A normal response to loss. • 18 – 24 months to stabilize. • Each person is an individual. • Physical and emotional component. • Worst time is NOT the wake / funeral. • Most people cry everyday for about a year.

  4. COGNITIVE STRESS THEORY KIDS and ADULTS WHO CARE FOR THEM!!!! One’s response to loss parallels one’s response to other stressful life events. (Stroebe & Schut, 2001)‏

  5. TASKS OF MOURNINGWorden & Silverman(1996)‏ • To accept the reality of the loss. (To 2 years) • To experience the pain or emotional aspects of the loss. (1 month to 2 years) • To adjust to an environment where the person is missing. • (2 to 5 years) • To relocate the person within one’s life and find ways to memorialize.

  6. PHOENIX MODELJozefowski, 1999)‏ • Impact • Chaos • Adaptation • Equilibrium • Transformation

  7. “Death doesn’t end a relationship, it simply forges a new type of relationship – one based not on a physical presence, but one on memory, spirit, and love.”

  8. Interventions • Time • Talking Remembrance • Telling the story • Journal • Memory garden • Pictures • Scrapbooking • Talking to the person who died.

  9. Things Not to Say & Do • To be told not to think about it. • Take over an unappealing casserole!!! • Telling them / assuming they are strong & will get through this. • Tell them he or she is in a better place. • Tell them it is God’s will. • Forget about them after the funeral. • Tell them to call you if they need anything.

  10. Children’s WisdomWhat is Death? When the body stops working. The END. Beginning of a new life, but I don’t know much about it. When the real you leaves the body. I wonder where YOU GO? It is a change in life.

  11. When Will You Die? I don’t know. Never Not for a long time, I hope. I won’t die if I am good. In about a million years. When death comes to get me.

  12. What Happens to People? They go to Heaven. They go to be with the angels, but I don’t know how to fly. I don’t know, but it must be ok because it is with God. Nothing. They rot in the ground until they go to Heaven, which I hope isn’t a long time.

  13. Where is the Person Who Died? Sleeping Hiding Gone away He passed away so I don’t know where he is. With God somewhere.

  14. Can Dead People Come Back? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Maybe. I hope so (but not at night). No but we can keep the memories and pictures. I wish they could.

  15. What Makes People Die? God Germs A gun. A BAD man. Bullets. Cars Old age Eating an apple and not chewing it good. Swimming alone. Wishes (I wished my brother was dead and he was).

  16. How Can You Help Someone Who Is Sad? BE THERE. Hug them and give them cookies. I don’t think you can help anybody hurt. They have to do it alone. Don’t forget them. Talk about the dead person. Remember them. Pray with them, but don’t tell them it’s God’s fault. I just cry with them.

  17. Hallmarks with Children Pre-school Unaffected ? Reversible – magical thinking Regression 5 to 8 year olds Punishment Unaffected ? Reversible – magical thinking

  18. 9 to 12 year olds Facade Understand the finality Question the process Teens Facade Where do I fit? Friends, TV, social media

  19. Wakes, Funerals, Burial, Cremation Wake - sad party. Casket – treasure chest. Funeral – sad parade. Burial – treasure chest goes in the ground. Cremation – the body melts like an ice cream cone. Looks like kitty liter.

  20. VIOLENT DEATH

  21. Disenfranchised GriefGrief we don’t recognize. Complicated GriefWhen the normal mourning process leads to chronic or ongoing mourning. Violent death – human intent or negligence. No positive or redeeming resolution.

  22. DISENFRANCHIZED GRIEF • Homicide • Suicide • Ex-spouse • Disease specific • Pet loss • Infertility • Adoption • Abortion • Perinatal/neonatal • Prisoners • Elderly • Children • Friend grief • Partner • Dev. Delayed • Lover

  23. Sudden Traumatic Loss Grief is intensified Prolonged No preparation No good-bye Unfinished business Heightened vulnerability Increased anxiety Lingering disorganization

  24. Complicated Grief in Children & Adults • Intrusive memories • Avoidance of reminders • Fear of death – own, family • Fear of being alone • Increase arousal - senses • Somatic symptoms—doctor • Symptoms that mimic the deceased. • Depressed affect, change in behavior, other psychiatric. • Self-injury, suicidal behavior.

  25. Violent Death 1 in 3 have had a loved one die in a violent manner. Leading cause of death 15 – 24 yo: Accidents 51.8 % Homicide 21.3 % Suicide 16.3 % Non-white adolescent males

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